Today on Today: Tom Cruise Takes On Matt Lauer’s Thetans : Gawker

Gawker transcribed the Tom Cruise interview with Matt Lauer today. I really don’t like Matt Lauer, but this interview made me like him just a little bit, and I hate Tom Cruise for making that happen. The only thing worse is if it would have been Katie Couric doing the interview, but more likely she would have giggled, dimpled and went “Oh, Tom.”

I even had to listen to this crap as part of my job. Really must get off the morning news shift before I turn this blog into a Celeblog.

What I’m waiting for is Brooke Shields’ slapdown.

Please, dear God, cure me of my interest in this Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes fake romance that just perplexes me so much that I’ve become a little obsessive. Thank you, Amen.

Part of the transcript from Gawker:

Tom: [with patented ferocity] Do you know what Adderall is? Do you know Ritalin? Do you know now that Ritalin is a street drug? [Ed: Oh, har har. We’re on Ritalin right now.]
Matt: I understand the abuse of all these things —
T: [interrupting] Yeah but you don’t understand the history of these drugs. And if you do, you know that it masks the problem. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance!
M: But —
T: No, Matt, I know these things —
M: No —
T: Listen —
[This continues for a few moments and we stop listening.]
M: So, depression — is it all gobbledy gook?

T: No, Matt, I’m not saying that. That’s an alteration of what I’m saying. These drugs are dangerous, mind-altering chemicals. There are ways of handling these problems so that we don’t end up in a Brave New World.
M: You want [other people] to do well, but you want them to do well on a road that you approve of.
T: No —
M: [interrupting] But if anti-depressants worked for Brooke Shields, isn’t that okay?
T: I disagree with it.
M: But aren’t there examples where it works?
T: You don’t even know what Ritalin is! If you read the papers on how they came up with the drug, the dosage… You should be more responsible in knowing what it is. I am responsible. I know these things.

He needs to fire his sister as his handler and get his old handler back who knew how to hide the “real Tom.”

Cranky Cruise irritated with Scientology questions, which is weird, considering he’s been yapping about it for the last couple of months. I’d think he’d welcome questions, but maybe just not questions that talk about that psycho alien part of Scientology.

Cruise was then asked about a link between the War of the Worlds storyline, which involves aliens lying dormant on earth before rising out of the ground and attacking the planet.
“I was wondering what resonance that had with you as a Scientologist?” a journalist asked.
A confused Cruise responded: “In what way?”
“Well,” the journalist continued. “In that some of Scientology deals with aliens on this planet.”
Cruise, used to defending Scientology, was not happy.
“That’s not true. What?” Cruise said. “What paper are you from?”
When the embarrassed journalist responded he was from a paper in Boston, Cruise asked: “Is that a good paper?
Cruise continued: “It has no resonance whatsoever.
“There’s absolutely no relation to that whatsoever.”
A short time later Cruise singled out the journalist again.
“If you are interested in Scientology you should read Evolution of a Science,” Cruise said.
“I don’t know if you’ve ever read that. That will give you a greater understanding of what Scientology is.”

Maybe the questions should be more like the ones in the “SEC WHOLE TRACK” questionnaire used in auditing sessions

• Have you driven anyone insane?
• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
• Is anybody looking for you?
• Have you ever set a poor example?
• Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
• Are you in hiding?
• Have you systematically set up mysteries?
• Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
• Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
• Have you ever gone crazy?
• Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
• Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?
• Have you ever smothered a baby?
• Do you deserve to have any friends?
• Have you ever castrated anyone?
• Do you deserve to be enslaved?
• Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?
• Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?
• Have you ever zapped anyone?
• Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so,
did you spread it?

I’ve been quiet for a while, but now I’ve just got a build-up of people in the news that piss me off.

Dick Durbin’s apology — contrite, but sounds still like “Judge, I’m sorry my wife felt hurt when I hit her and called her names, but I really wasn’t intending to leave a bruise or hurt her feelings.” An apology becomes an apology when you say you’re sorry for the behavior or the words you said. Apologizing for how someone else felt because of your words is a therapy session.

I had to listen to Katie Couric interview that idiot runaway bride earlier today. She’s still an asshole, but at least she did apologize for her actions. Dick, take notes.

Michael Shiavo — complete prick.
Now I need to revise and extend my last wishes list for my husband so he doesn’t put something on my tombstone like “I was a great husband — ask anyone,” confusing my poor children into wondering if I was gay or perhaps transgendered.

Lindsay Lohan — definitely too skinny, needs meatloaf and mashed taties STAT.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes – I think tom Cruise is so not attractive, and that he believes he’s some ninja thetan and there’s an alien Xenu dude out to brainwash us is, well, weird. But Katie? Well, she seems a nice girl from a nice family, and the missing 16 days is, well, weird too. I’m not buying this couple at all.

But I am buying that Jake Guylenhaal is nice to look at. See?