Cue the Fireworks

Dear Friends

May I take this opportunity to send you my commiserations. You threw the tea in the harbour (please note the CORRECT spelling) and ended up with Lipton’s; you fought for freedom on your streets and pavements, and ended up with sidewalks; you pronounce ‘vase’ and ‘herb’ ridiculously. Still, you wanted independence and by gosh, you got it. It’s a shame for you – you’re missing out on so much – lumpy mashed potato and gravy, boiled vegetables, infinite variety in canine, incisor and molar arrangements, the royal family, rain. Poor things.

Happy Fourth of July (please pay attention to the correct arrangement of date before month – it’s not hard to remember).

Yours lovingly

L

p.s. An American Independence perfume? Why, top notes of watery tea (can you really smell it?)and gunpowder; heart notes of coffee, caramel and creamer; basenotes of Jack Daniels, corn syrup, fried onions. Kisses.
 

Dear Bitter Former Brit Oppressor:

Your ancestors should have made a break for it when they had the chance.  We have a country where we are all kings of our castle, and you still have kings and queens in castles.  We are a nation full of Corn on the Cob,  champion steers, McMansions, White Lightning, Monster Truck Shows, the Cult of Celebrity instead of the Cult of Royalty, county fairs, hunks from Iowa and Nebraska with muscles, tans and great teeth.  Yes, we have no class or culture, but according to the Frogs, who did eventually show up to help us out in running away from home, neither do you Brits.  Even your soccer players are defecting, but we’d be happy to send Becks and Posh back.

Flawed and Egotistical as we are, everything that is great about us originated from our home country, except bad spelling, which we’re still working on cleaning up — enouGH sAId (spelling logic is not an English strong suit, apparently). 

‘Tis a shame we had to come to hostile action to get an amicable divorce and property settlement, but since we are at the day when that literary masterpiece from Mr. Jefferson was signed, we should all remember those who died on both sides, fighting for what they believed.   But we love you anyway because we all get along much better now that mum and dad aren’t fighting and live in separate houses.

xoxo  – P

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.”