Imagine a Pretentious Perfume

“Top notes of gardenia, Italian bergamot, and narcisse mingle with the heart notes of tuberose, ylang ylang and jasmine on a redolent base of orange blossom and musk, approaching the fragrance of the deity. Our Beyond Forever perfume vessel is rendered in 10K gold overlay formed in the image of the goddess Hathor. She rests in black velvet, lying deep within her sanctuary, concealed behind the inscribed temple doors.”

Mother of God, that’s a lot to unpack and translate into English. Basically, it’s a nice little scent that goes on pretty heavy on the sweet in the narcisse and gardenia, not getting much bergamot, which it could have benefited from, and if there’s musk in this, it’s left the building or is just hiding in the basement from the Narcisse and Gardenia, hoping it will stop hogging the rest of the house. I tried this yesterday, and it just disappeared on me mid-day, and trying it again this morning is not helping. It distinctly reminds me of something, maybe Chloe or Chloe Narcisse? I’m not sure a deity would have worn this, but the packaging is pretty, and it wins, hands down, the Pretentious Scent of the Year Award — not for the description, which would easily qualify it, though I’ve seen some pretty stiff competition (hello, Abinoams, you are lovely, but your descriptions, gag!).

No, it wins because of how it Came To Be. The scent collection came from Dr. Janet Piedilato as a part of “relaxation and individuation therapies.” Huh? Is that the Find the Inner Goddess in a Perfume Therapy? Hokay, but it could be a Short Trip to Crazytown if you keep riding that “I am a Goddess In My Own Mind” train. They were blended to bring individual peace and balance. The imagery on the packaging was intended to “deepen the experience and to awaken the individual to hidden wisdom and healing.” With 10K gold on the bottle, I think it more likely to awaken my visions of bankruptcy if I actually loved this, and that does not strike me as wise or healing. Reading through the descriptions and background on the Immaginal site is funny at first, then just exhausting in how seriously it takes itself.

Please, I have so little patience for this stuff, it just makes me nuts. Enlightenment in a Damn Bottle does not exist, and I get so weary of anyone trying to sell a scent based on emotional promises of some inner nirvana that it can create if you but shell out the dough and apply liberally. If someone really wants to go that route, then make a kick-ass perfume so I’ll point and laugh at the description while swooning over the juice. My inner peace is usually found in places like the one in the picture, being in awe of how small and insignificant we are in a great, big, beautiful world, but how precious each of us are, despite our insignificance.

It’s perfume, not The Guided Path to Heightened Humanity. ::::heavy sigh:::::