Every now and then I have these, um, “scenarios” that run in my head. No, it’s not my imaginary friends again or the Lancer boys, but I just think through how a series of conversations must go, which gives me no end of amusement and hilarity most of the time. You all also need a break from the Tom Fords. My last comment on them. Some I liked, some I loved, some I hated, some I went meh on, but the one thing I truly enjoyed about all of them… no generic fruity florals. Each was different, had its own style and concept, even though I think Tom “borrowed” some ideas from other great perfumes.
With that said, indulge me while I play-act out one of my favorites head-scenes.
Setting: Voracia Tatas has become the new “It” girl in Hollywood — she made one mildly successful and horribly scripted, directed and acted movie; dresses in the latest designer fashions given to her for free; has starved her body to within an inch of her life; has one of those oversized bobble heads most models/actors have; has a similarly oversized, ample, plasticky bosom; and has only exposed her vajayjay once accidentally when getting into her Lexus after a night of drunken debauchery and too many visits to the bathroom at Les Deux. Movie offers are thin now because she really can’t act, but she’s still at all the best parties and nightclubs 8 days of the week and has been seen leaving nightclubs with the hottest B-list studs — all of which is documented every week in People, Us, Life & Style, OK, etc.
DicK Nosmell, VP of New Products and Marketing for Perfumes ‘r Us has to come up with 100 new perfumes launches every year since the 50 they launched in the last six months ago stop selling after people smell them — new ones must take their place. He is an avid follower of Voracia Tatas and has identified her as the next pseudo-celebrity they should sign to launch a fragrance. He’s had his girl call Voracia’s agent, Fifteen Persente, and they have scheduled a meeting to discuss terms, what each wants and hopefully to seal the deal. The following takes place in DicK’s office.
DicK: So, listen, this is what we have in mind. Voracia, you are a fashion icon, are at all the best clubs, have all the best studs at your beck and call, and we believe that you are the next J.Lo/Britney/Paris/Hohan. You are It, and there are millions of teenagers and young women that want to smell like you — in three words… you are hot, Hot, HOT!!!
Voracia: (preens) Oh, koolz! I wear Infant perfume — I can just sell that?
Fifteen: No, Voracia. They want to make a perfume with your name on it.
Voracia: (squeals and claps hands) That is sooooo awesome, I have always and ever wanted my name on a bottle of Infant. I rulz!
DicK: No, no, we need to make a brand new perfume – not Infant – to put your name on, although…. no, no, we have to make a new perfume. What we need to do is capture your essence in a bottle, and we’ll all be rich!
Voracia: (tries to knit over-botoxed brows together and purse lips that have been puffed to 3x their normal size… only succeeds in looking more vacant and… yeah, sick) My essence? Does this involve bodily fluids? My doctor said I need to avoid that sort of contact for the next ten — no – (counts on fingers) – eight days.
DicK: Not literally, Voracia. We just need to capture the sense of who you are — glamorous, beautiful, hot… it! — and put it in a bottle. We’ll hire a perfumer from Irrational Fruity Florals, who is an expert, and he’ll sit down with you and let you smell some notes, find out what you like, and you will wind up creating something that fits you perfectly.
(Voracia stares off vacantly at a spider in the corner)
Fifteen: How much? We want an upfront fee and residuals on sales.
DicK: Absolutely. We’d rather not pay as much upfront because most of the money will be made years from now as the perfume becomes a highly sought after classic. The sales of this masterpiece of perfumery should provide for Voracia’s grandchildren’s future. (Dick smiles slyly as he turns his head)
Fifteen: (puts on best “killer” face on as he realizes the game) No, that’s not how it’s going to work. We want most of it up front and smaller residuals. That’s the deal, take it or leave it.
DicK: (looking confident, he knows he has won). Okay, leave it. We have 50 other celebrities that are lined up wanting their own perfume. The deal is the deal, no negotiating. (slides paper across the table) That’s the up front and the residuals.
Fifteen and Voracia look at the paper, whisper furiously back and forth for ten seconds, until Voracia loses interest and resumes staring into space. Fifteen looks at her, shakes head and surrenders…
Fifteen: Okay, fine, we’ll take it. When do we start?
DicK: I’ll have my girl set up a meeting with a perfume from Irrational Fruity Florals next week. You’ll be hearing from me.
Stay tuned for Act II, where Voracia, Fifteen and DicK meet with Nawt Agin, the perfumer from Irrational Fruity Florals that has been selected for this “prestigous” project.
You get to be DicK and pick your celebrity to make a perfume with. Which celebrity, dead or alive, would you most like to smell a perfume they helped create, and which celebrity would you least like to smell a perfume they helped create? Bonus points for saying what it would smell like.
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