Setting: Irrational Fruity Florals, prestige perfumers´ conference room. Nawt Agin has been summoned to the regular Monday assignments meeting with the other perfumers. There´s a lot of shuffling and gossiping around the table as they get ready to start.
Head Perfumer Sniffee: Quiet, quiet.
*still more shuffling and whispering, as if Sniffee had not spoken*
HP Sniffee: Hey! You! Molecule Humps, quiiiiiiiiet!!!!!!!!!!! We´ve got a couple of new perfumes to get assigned, and I´ve got another meeting with Tom (perfumers all gasp and start whispering) in five minutes! so we need to get out of here. First up, Freddy wants to do something called Italian Mama, the companion perfume to French Lover, something meant to evoke meat sauces, bread and pasta…. Let´s see….. Ivanda Nunose, that one is all yours.
*groans from other perfumers as Ivanda preens and gloats*
Sniffee: Next up is the latest celebutard perfume. This, of course, will be a groundbreaking scent with notes of….. um, fruit…. and….. ready for it? (all pefumers are slumped down in their chairs trying to hide) floral. The celebrity is the hugely talented coke whore, Voracia Tata. And the lucky perfumer to create the frooty floral masterpiece for Ms. Tatas is…. (he looks at each perfumer in the room, hesitates, looks at another, looks back, stretching out the agony) Nawt Again! Congratulations!
Nawt Agin: No, please, I beg — no, I’m pleading, I’ll be your lackey, I’ll make scents for your grandmother, your sister, your children and grandchildren and dog, if only you give this to someone else. Give it to the new guy!
Sniffee: You are the new guy. You haven’t done a celebutard scent yet, it’s your turn, and you have ameeting with her, her agent and DicK Nosmell this afternoon. Okay, that’s it for this week, go shake something good up, and see ya next week.
(Nawt scurries past the laughter of his colleagues, back to his office, head hung down, feet shuffling, sits down in his chair and sighs) What am I going to do? I’d sooner be back in detergent scenting than do this! Maybe I can talk them into something creative and unusual. Yeah, that’s it, I’ll use my charm and knowledge and sell them on a really great perfume!
*it is now 3 p.m., time for the meeting with DicK, Nawt, Fifteen and Voracia. Nawt is already in the conference room, with several vials of interesting notes and combinations in front of him, when the secretary brings in DicK, Fifteen and Voracia. After some preliminary greetings, including Voracia popping a Xanax and walking into a closet, they all sit down*
Nawt: I’ve got some great ideas for your perfume, Voracia. It will be groundbreaking, something that’s never been done before. I intend to blend a salty musk with tuberose–
*Voracia looks confused and then closes her eyes*
DicK: No, no, stop that, we do this every time, but let’s go through it again… slowly. Studies show that people like happy perfumes, not sweaty crap, except those perfume freaks on the internet. We want something happy and bubbly. Fruit is happy and bubbly, make sure it has fruit in it.
Voracia: Yes, I like fruit, especially bananas! Can it have bananas?
Nawt: Okay, something fruity, a lime-based perfume with some vetiver to give it depth, or horses are happy, how about a nice leather something that —
DicK: No, not vetiver, not leather, not now, not ever. This should be very feminine, like the lovely Voracia, and sultry without being slutty, unlike the lovely Voracia. Throw in some flowers.
Nawt: Fruit? and Florals?
DicK: Now you’re diggin’ where there’s taters.
Fifteen: So how much can we expect to make here, DicK? I want something that flies off the shelf and puts green in Voracia and my’s pocket.
Nawt: Well, I have to caution you, there are a lot of frooty florals out there already, that market is saturated, so I really don’t think —
DicK: Who cares?!?! it’s not about the perfume, it’s about the style, the experience. We want to sell this to women who want to BE Voracia, out at Les Deux at night and The Ivy for lunch, mingling with stars, shopping on Robertson. Nobody cares what it smells like. That’s like the 10th thing on a list of ten things that the consumer cares about when it comes to perfume. Come on, Nawt, didn’t anyone ever teach you that? Why does Sniffee always give us the FNG?
Nawt: But if you want to do something unique and special, I highly recommend that you stay away from the fruit and the floral put together.
Fifteen: We want something that sells, sells, sells, I don’t care what it smells like as long as it sells.
Nawt: If it’s about the style and not the juice, then let’s make something great, with complexity and —
DicK: No! As soon as they pop that cap on the bottle, I want it to be nonoffensive and sweet and the girls to go, “oh, that smells goooood!” That’s fruit and floral, that’s what I want you to make. Okay, we’re done here. Let’s go. We have a bottle to design.
*with that, DicK, Voracia and Fifteen exit, leaving Nawt with his head in his hands crying*
To be continued….
So you get to pick the perfumer to make a scent for you. Who would make it, and what would the juice smell like?
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