Keep this vintage body running is expensive – it is a needy, cranky model that sputters, chokes and whines without the proper fuel and cleaning.
After that deluge of shopping indiscretions that came out last week, it gave me pause about my spending habits, which on big purchases are really pretty restrained.
What’s become the large budget item for me is just routine vintage body upkeep, which I’d never bothered to add up and get a total for before. I could fill my closets with Birkins in the course of the year if I’d just let Mother Nature have her bitchy way with me.
Do you remember reading some of those divorce settlement requests of the stars where women requested a few thousand a month for personal upkeep alone? Yeah, I laughed too. This is y’all’s chance to laugh at me. Those who are in a similar boat can commiserate. Remember, this is quarterly, not monthly.
- Pedicure & manicure x 6 – $300
- Hair coloring (this varies on whether I’m cheating on my usual expensive stylist with an even more expensive one) – $250
- Haircut between coloring – $50
- Yoga monthly membership x3 – $360
- Tanning monthly membership x3 (hey, don’t judge) – $240
- Laser on face to keep peaches ‘n cream complexion or just avoid looking as haggy as I could – $500
- Filler 1-2x per year, so in half – $300
- Cosmetics that are essential – does not include new shades of lipsticks, eyeshadow, mascara, nail polish, just refills on mascara, foundation, etc – $300.
- If I Included new shades of everything – $600+ depending on whether I liked the new collections
- Pilates – 4-6 sessions a month at $20 per – $260
- Acupuncture to keep stuff working 2x a month – $440
- Rolfing 1x a month just to keep shit in line – $300
- Waxing 1x a month – $390
- Massage to work out kinks from working out – $200
- increase in monthly food bill to have organic food so I don’t introduce more toxins into system that lived through, but barely remembers, the ’70s and ’80s – $400
- Lotions – this is Colorado, the parched skin capital of the world, so I can go through several of these a month for lips, hands, body, etc – $100
- Perfume – no, let’s don’t, I can’t even face that. But just refills of fragrances that I wear personally and replace is 100-200 a month as an average. So I have a few’ish bottles that I wear personally and I have to average over 20 years.
What did I miss? So far, I’m at 5k plus every three months. I’m stunned, shocked and quite a bit chagrined. So is this just me? Or is it normal for women over 40 or 50? I’m not willing to give up any of it. The good news is, with all of this upkeep, I have zero medical problems, so spend almost nothing on medicine or doctors.
Perversely, I feel a lot better about buying those bags now. Paying to get rid of bags and paying to get them. A puzzle. Do we want to go back to talking about sperm now?