This is smut. No, you pervs, not that kind. It’s the smut spores that form on an ear of corn as it develops when it is infected. Here, from the Ag Department, “When leaves are infected, small pustules develop, usually on the midrib, causing some leaf distortion. After the spores mature, the outer covering becomes dry and brittle, breaks open, and the spores sift out.” This is a good launching point for today’s post.
Here’s some more smut – my favorite character, Titus Pullo, besides Marc Antony, from the Rome series on HBO, which you ALL should be watching.
There are some experiments in life you can’t resist. They just call out to you with their DangerDanger sign flashing and screeching. Much as you know you may not survive the attempt, you simply have to combine two scents that should never even be in the same room.
WARNING: What follows here is going to be my raunchy experiment that will embrace a frank discussion of skank, certain body emissions and other sexual material, and I’m not going to dress this pig up at all — frank smells do not deserve or get pretty language. If you are easily offended or not past the age of 16, hit the Back Button on your browser now. Whatever you do, don’t complain, I’ll spritz you with a shot of SM if you do! If you want an even franker discusion, check out this thread at Basenotes.
Etat Libre D’Orange’s Secretions Magnifique is just rank and disturbing. Somehow, and I don’t think I want to know, with iris, cocoa, sandalwood and opoponax, they have created Cum Accord, though I have read that more raw opoponax is what gives it that… well, that part of the smell. That thud you hear is March hitting the floor because she didn’t think I would write that. Ha! I adore iris, I adore cocoa, and those notes should not be taking part in this metallic open that, even if you didn’t know what “emissions” smelled like, you would instantly be just a wee bit uncomfortable and make sure nobody is watching you sniff this. Now, being the virginal kind of girl that I am, I wanted to make sure I wasn’t just projecting because of the name. Without telling my youngest teenage son (hey, he’s 16, old enough!) or my husband what they were smelling, they instantly pronounced it Eeu de Whack and wanted to know who had “spooged” in my perfume bottle. The discussion that followed was so foul, even I had to leave the room. Much male bonding and hilarity ensued. :::rolls eyes:::
Well, as that scent sat there in the crook of my arm, disturbing and comical, I kept thinking…. what if I just dabbed a little Bal a Vesailles parfum next to it? I mean, Eau de Cooter sidling up and sitting down next to Cum Accord, wouldn’t that be a great experiment? Did I do it? No. I rushed to the bathroom and took a shower. BTW, on Basenotes, they are referring to SM as being either just flat-out sex or feminine emissions. I mean, I get that femme part very little – it definitely seems pretty male to me and not fishy at all.
The next day, I kep thinking about that little undone experiment, and do you suppose it might smell like the perfectl smut? I couldn’t help it, I grabbed the rubber gloves, the Secretions Magnifique and Bal a Versailles parfum and headed into the bathroom. What, you think I’m going to have perfume sex in public? Please.
Surprisingly, the BaV moderates some of the tinny aspects of SM and rounds it out a bit. Oh, it’s raunchy, but now it’s like the Yin and Yang of Smut. Would I wear this out in public? Oh, hell no! You might as well paint FMe on your fanny.
Now, if we have any readers left at all…..
::::crickets::::
I couldn’t help it, sorry! Oh, hey, come back! I’ve got a really great drawing! Thinking of what could bribe my way back into your good graces…. hmmm, how about a drawing for a sample of each of the six new Chanel Exclusifs when they release? If you want in that drawing, lot me know in the comments you want in the drawing!
Made me queasy but hilarious post! Please sign me up for the drawing. THANKS
I just discovered this website in pursuit of my new olfactory passion and am reading it at every opportunity at work. Please initiate me by entering me in the drawing!
Wow – definitely one of the most vivid reviews, ever – I have no problem imagining the smell of this one! Also – VERY funny, even more so than usual! Love,love your honesty!
Late again, but please include me the Chanel draw.
I’m just shocked, BBliss, that you know how THAT smells. 🙂
I remember walking under a carob tree early in the misty morning and thinking it smelled like cum. After being subjected to the idea (I have an overactive imagination) that a perfume might actually smell more disturbing than MKK… I think I deserve a chance to cleanse my mental palate with some nice Chanel. Please enter me in the drawing.
Carob tree? Uh-oh, now I’m going to have to try and find one to smell, but I don’t think there are any in Colorado.
MKK disturbing?!?!? :d Only at first. I found Arabie, with that cooking hash note much more rank than MKK.
Man, go offline for the weekend and see what I miss – loved this review. “Spooge” – hee. I’m probably too late, but would love to be in the drawing.
Twibbet, not too late at all! Never too late until I actually do the drawing, which is always about a week later. Sometimes longer if I get busy. 🙂
Wow! I skip reading a couple of days because I’m moving and unconnected and look what I miss!!!
Totally ROFLMAO!!! Smut deserves a smutty review. Call things by their proper name: Eau de Whack, not Secretions Magnifiques. Cum Accord–hilarious! I think I’ll go put on some of the Bal a Versailles I received yesterday.
Going for the sublime now: Please enter me in the
Chanel drawing if it’s not too late.
Maria… so? How was, first, the move, and then second, the BaV?
Patty,
This was brilliant. I just can’t stop laughing. Thank you!
And I’d love to be in the drawing!
1. My pink parts do not now and have never smelled fishy. Hmph.
2. “Spooge” is one of my all-time favorite words. Thanks for giving it some air time.
3. Crickets completely skeeve me out, but everyone deserves love, I reckon.
4. Please enter me in the Chanel drawing.
5. I love Patty.
I love Amy too. 🙂 Spooge… that’s a daily word in this house, everything gets spooged.
Please enter me in the drawing, thanks !
So sorry I missed reading here yesterday- it would have brightened up my day considerably.
Patty, I’m stealing the “eau de whack” description. I have a teenage son and that perfectly describes his filthy room and dirty laundry, lol.
Also, please enter me in the Chanel drawing-
Oh, Lord, Susan. I don’t want to think about the smells in my teenage son’s room. I usually just crack the door a bit (that’s all the further I can get it to open before it hits something behind it, jamming it, and tell him to shovel some of the trash and crap out and wash his laundry im-med-iat-ly!
BTW, Tom had some choice ways to describe your mixing of the male and female scents in a bottle. Number one was “Eau de Boar” that total mix up of male/female mating scent that takes over the hog pen and half the farm when the one male in the pen tries to keep 10 or 20 in season females happy for a week or two.
Oh, hey sign me up also, just as well get in here all the way on this one. 🙂
Lord, Tom. He really is the Rotten Brother, isn’t he? Every time I think I’m being foul, I just remember the few months we spent together a few years ago and, first, laugh hysterically and then am appalled. 🙂
tarleiso — um, I remember those nights and mornings! eek! Unshowered slut taking the Walk of Shame is not a good way to start the day.
Sorry about the keyboard. :))
Good sister!?!?!? You dirty bitch. 🙂 should have known you would run to mom and rat me out. Tell Tom and Dick they are high-larious! Give ’em all hugs!
Solander, it is an interesting one to sniff. I have to admit, it was the second one I opened. Which is just weird, but I have a feeling completely part of our human nature to want to be oogied out. 🙂
Annie — I don’t want to think about what is really in that bottle, but that would be one busy guy if it were, um, authentic. 🙂
dtrain — yeah, I decided someone is probably laughing at us all. But with the exception of a couple in the line, several of the others are realy quite worth having
assorted raisins — I thought — for a second — about throwing some MKK in there or CB Musk just to see what happened, but was afraid I would get transported into a “Beauty” S&M novel if I did that!
amarie — BTW, glad you came out of hiding!
Amarie — pretty sure the SM has a very base reaction from most people as far as knowing what it is! Now, whether they like it or not is another question entirely!
pat — teenage boys are a fright, aren’t they? I grew up with three older brothers, and they still shock me — both the brothers and my sons!
EP, I would have loved to hear about the Marie Antoinette scent! But 800 Euros? Yikes! It can’t be that good.
ROTFL – great post – and to counter all of that, I would LOVE to be entered in the drawing for the Chanel Exclusifs, thank you! :d
Patty, I’d like to thank you for reminding me precisely why I just have to have this daily perfume blog fix…this post says it all! The Eau de Whack nearly ruined my keyboard – coffee…everywhere! Haven’t had a chance to try any of the Etat Libres yet, but I can vividly remember BaV. Rococo orgy in a bottle, which made me realize that maybe I just wasn’t “that” kind of woman…yet. Or not woman enough, the jury’s still out on that…;) But your description reminded me of one thing I used to do in my wanton, skanky? youth, which was to roll right out of bed after a Night to Remember and right out the door, trailing strange men, stray dogs and pheromones after me…:-?
And somebody actually chose to bottle that? 😮
Hmm…Eau de Titus Pullo? Actually, it should be Eau de Mark Antony…No. Must get a grip here, my brain keeps sliding…
Maybe knowing I stand a chance in the Chanel drawing would help?
Or would it? 😉
This is “The Good Sister” (as opposed to Patty’s comment of me being her “horrible sister”) as our dear beloved oldest brother calls whichever of the two of us he needs something from. I did print this post and take it over to Patty’s (and also mine) mother to let her know what her dear beloved youngest child was up to. Bonus was our two oldest brothers were there as well and they like to dangle their minds in the gutter and the comment we came up with was, after they finished having a very deep laughing fest as I read the post to them with all the inflection I know Patty was thinking as she wrote it, – “Jiz’t’wat are you smelling!!”
Great review! I’m scared to try this, but also very curious. I _don’t_ like that smell but I’m curious as to just how spot-on the perfume is…
An oh, please enter me in the drawing.
This skank and slut stuff is too wonderful…almost peed my pants(another scent in the making,perhaps??)…BUT…have we thought about what is REALLY in these bottles???…hmmmmm…yuk….add me to the drawing,sweetie:”>
These kinds of perfumes give me the same uneasy feeling I get when looking at Andy Warhol prints. On one hand, I appreciate a sense of humor in an often pretentious artform. On the other hand, I suspect the joke’s on me. Ah well…I’m still dying for a sniff…
I’d love to get in on the Chanel contest, too!
These Etat’ Libre D’ Orange perfumes frighten and intrigue me…but how the guys described it is purely hilarious. I suppose Secretions Magnifique + Bal a Versailles + MKK= ultimate skank. Oh my!
I think I’ll just stick to my chanels! Please enter me in the drawing–chanel is what got me into the crazy perfume habit to begin w/!
Hi Patty,
You’ve drawn me out of my blog-reading seclusion to post for the first time, all in the name of maybe winning the draw for the Chanel samples.
It never ceases to amaze me the infinite variety of responses to the same perfume- whether through chemistry,or memory related emotions or just plain biases.
However Secretions Magnifique must evoke the strongest of associated basic smells- who can argue with sex?
:)>-PLEASE–enter me in the drawing!
I always thought jasmine smelled like SEX—what was I thinking?—smacks head—
When my son was twelve–I drove a carful of his friends and him and listened to a discussion using every euphemism possible for spanking the monkey—secretions indeed!
You crack me up. Oh, and please include me in the drawing! Thanks! Oh, one more thing…ew.
🙂
Love the humor in your posts!
count me in for the drawing!
Ah– skank all over the place! Please do count me in for the draw, and thankee.
I just want to make it clear (from my perspective) that this smells NOTHING like Boudoir or Shocking–both of which (again from my perspective) smell very good. This is really stomach-turning (it may be, as Sarah suggested, the sweet blood).
I’m shocked you haven’t smelled thee “eau de lady cooter” Boudoir, if you like skank I recommend this to all. And now to go find tester of Bal a Versaille because I a intrigued. Thanks for looking at my site.
Holy smokes! Trashy Friday gets trashier by the minute! Well, someone has to tell it like it is, so I thank you for the review. I might skip the Secretions Magnifiques, but I cherish my bottle of Bal a Versailles.
Please enter me in the drawing, too.
oh… and kindly add me in the draw too 😉
ROTFLMAO… and hoping I won’t get fired for accessing this smut-y post at work! hahahaha…. gee… i wished i had read this sooner so I could ask for a sample to accompany the care-package that you sent for me \:d/
btw… your comments about bal a versailles reminded me that the estate of versailles is selling a certain perfume that is reportedly reconstructed from old recipes from Marie Antoinette’s perfume collection. would’ve loved to have gotten a sample… but the 800 euro price tag drove me off :-s
treazurekitten, you got me intrigued. where is this tree? i would love to see it and maybe even take a sniff or two in the spirit of this post ;))
Tigs, I know, I saw, I’m swooning. I agree most of the time with Luca, though every now and then he’s just wrong. I cannot wait to smell these!!!
Lord, Tigs, I got 69! 🙂
Oops, Gail, I should have put NSFW at the top!
P – the new Luca Turin article is up at NZZ Folio and is a raving, delighted review about the new Chanels and how they are bringing back the wonder into perfumery. Awesome!
Warren… that kind of lying will just find you crispy crittered. 🙂
Judith, just get some Cristal, and VRaie Blonde will show right up!
Sybil, it’s irresistible to want to smell it. How crazy are we?!?!
Maggi, I didn’t know that! I love the things I learn here. Now I need to try that.
Teri — a spritz of Tabac Blond and Jasmin et Cigarette smoothed it right out!
Gaia, it definitely smells like THAT.
Justine – don’t give them any ideas!?!?!? 🙂
Denyse, yes, definitely, spooge is a regular verb. It is regularly used at our house.