Best Perfumes for Romance… to Kill Romance

It’s Valentine’s Day. You’re not alone. Somehow, despite the chocolates, the roses and the apparently witty endearments, it ain’t working, and you don’t want to know what are the Best Perfumes for Romance  because you want to drive a stake in Romance once and for all. Best Perfumes for Romance -  to Kill RomanceStaring at your life /year / month / week / day / hour partner, you know you only said yes to that second drink because facing this schmaltz sober is next to impossible. You knock back the drink, and go off to ‘freshen up’. And here’s the…

Cynic’s guide to perfumes to spray that’ll ruin the moment

Perfumes to crack the heart, not mend it.

Fragrances to foul up frisky frolics.

The anti-Valentine Valentine’s list, if you like.

Toxic fumes to kill the moment. Better than killing your partner, one would hope.

And without further ado, March, Lee and I give you the list of Best Perfumes for Romance –  to Kill Romance:

  • You’ve already had sex with other people and don’t much care for showering afterwards: SMN Acqua di Cuba, Mona di Orio Nuit Noire, Delrae Amoureuse, CB Musk, Desprez Bal a Versailles
  • The football team sure is friendly… and hot, so hot: Amouage Jubilation 25 Women
  • You’re a murderer, still smiling secretively about the last disembowelled corpse on the zinc table in your cellar: ELdO Secretions Magnifique
  • You don’t bathe…ever: Cartier Declaration, Eau de Cartier, YSL Kouros
  • You’re dead, or at least wishing you were right here and now: Etro Messe de Minuit, Serge Lutens Borneo
  • You’re a freak and either into animals or engines a la JG Ballard : Miller Harris l’Air de Rien, Bulgari Black, Lalique Encre Noir, SMN Nostalgia
  • You’re only pretending to be a man, as she’d have known if she’d seen your collection of satin thongs and babydoll slips: Prada Homme, Dior Homme, Gaultier Fleur du Male
  • You’re only pretending to be a woman and have to shave your breasts every morning:  Prada
  • You’re incontinent and realizing that pelvic floor exercises are too little, too late: SL Miel de Bois, Guerlain AA Pamplelune
  • You are legally jailbait and have a fake ID:  Vera Wang Princess
  • You drive a heavily frontloaded car that compensates for other, erm, deficiencies: Hummer
  • You’re looking for a new baby daddy: Baby Phat Goddess or Golden Goddess
  • You’re looking for a new baby mama: Sean Jean Unforgivable, Usher
  • You wear fragrance to cover up the smell of vomit: Serge Lutens Chypre Rouge; Mugler Angel
  • You wear fragrance to cover up the smell of booze: Parfums d’Empire Ambre Russe, Ginestet Botrytis, D’orsay le Dandy
  • You want to tell your date (in the immortal words of Pink) it’s just you and your hand tonight: Sisley Soir de Lune
  • You like to be diapered like a baby and don’t care who knows it: Lorenzo Villoresi Teint de Neige
  • You work in a cheese shop and Roquefort is on special offer: JAR Jardenia, Tom Ford Velvet Gardenia
  • You work in a head shop and you’re too stoned for loving: Kiehl’s Original Musk, CB I Hate Perfume Patchouli Empire
  • You work in a head cheese shop and it’s all you eat: Farina Gegenuber Kolnisch Juchten
  • You want to “smother him with roses” — literally: SL Rose de Nuit, TDC Rose Poivree, Malle Une Rose
  • Trashy from The Stand has nothing on you (Burning Bed, anyone?): Annick Goutal Eau du Fier
  • You’re into spanking, heavy duty spanking, and you have the calluses to prove it: Piguet Bandit
  • When you went to confession, you ended up committing more carnal sins than you were forgiven for. Who’d’ve thunk he was such a dish under his cassock?: Bella Bellissima Perfect Night
  • Once upon a time, you had a pair of lungs, before a pack a day for 20 years: Vintage Tabarome, Caron Tabac Blond
  • You can’t afford me: Hermes 24, Faubourg
  • You really can’t afford me: Hermes Doblis
  • You can afford me for 20 minutes if you have $20: Britney Midnight Fantasy
  • You like your sex with a little syrup on top: Annick Goutal Sables

For other Best Perfumes for Romance make sure to visit Bois de Jasmin :: Now Smell This :Perfume-Smellin’ Things: for their less offensive take on Valentine’s Day perfumes.

  • Donna says:

    Love your column as always, brilliant funny ones 🙂

    Off to spritz myself with Chypre Rouge and Sables, ha ha :d

  • Cait says:

    Just wanted to say that this post garnered lots of amusement from my LOVAH.

  • The Funster says:

    You’re looking for a new baby daddy: Baby Phat Goddess or Golden Goddess
    You’re looking for a new baby mama: Sean Jean Unforgivable, Usher

    The hay-ell? just….racist….that’s all

    • Lee says:

      You reckon? Sure you’re not just making a set of assumptions based on limited evidence and little to no knowledge of the cultural background, knowledge and understanding of the posters?

      I could justify the post by talking about a whole number of things from the semiotics of desire, the dubious depiction of black masculinity by supposedly representative icons, to the damaging sense of identity that’s created by overly sexualised imagery and the inherent racism and sexism brought about by narrowing of identity through said imagery – but I don’t need to.

      The post was playful, like your name suggests you’re supposed to be.

      Please engage your brain before you sling mud.

      • TF says:

        Brain engaged. Semiotics unnecessary. You chose to put that imagery association out there. “Baby Daddy” and “Baby Momma” on fragrances by successful african-american business people-only.

        Why the hay-all are you so defensive and didactic dear? Did it never occur you’d be called on it? and yeah.”playful” – kinda like minstrel shows used to be viewed. Remember – you’re either part of the solution or part of the problem.

        • Lee says:

          If I respond I’m called on it – defensive? didactic? Hell, I didn’t start the abuse; if I don’t I’m called on it, I’m sure. Silence = truth! Ha. The Salem approach. Smoke = fire. There must be SOMETHING to it if he’s responding. Oh, the defensive – they’re ALWAYS guilty.

          Dude (or dear if you prefer – I could accuse you of homophobia from that if I were blinkered enough), the perfumes – subjectively speaking – are bad. The imagery associated with them – subjectively speaking – is bad. One swallow doesn’t make a summer, one reference to a set of images doesn’t make a racist. But subjectively speaking, if that’s your thing, go with it. I know you’re wrong, is all.

          But we won’t convince each other. Oh, and thanks for the pat homily. I think I’m pretty much part of the solution irl, but you probably don’t care about that. Easy targets are more fun than meaningful ones, aren’t they?

          Best wishes to you.

  • Tamara says:

    I love the pure, unadulterated irreverence of this post! LOL And I have to admit I am now a little intrigued by some of the fragrances you list. Thanks for the great laughs. :d :d/

  • alba says:

    I had great fun reading your column. And it got me thinking what perfumes I wouldn’t like to receive as a Valentine gift: some of the Etat Libre d’Orange (Putain des Palaces, Don’t get me wrong,etc.), or one that really caught my attention “FCUK Her”, even “Fracas” would leave me wondering if anything’s wrong with us. Demeter’s “Cucumber” and “Tomato” would be kind of an anti-climax, and my reaction to Clean’s “Fresh Laundry” , I’m afraid, wouldn’t be that positive. And what about something like “Sexual Femme”? Maybe it’d be the start of a long dialogue. Well, I think I prefer the safe classics on such occasions.

  • Flora says:

    BWAHAHAHA – Priceless, as always! Someday I must (very, very carefully) try Secretions Magnifique just so I know why it’s on your list!

    I have another;

    If you find the odor of martinis and ashtrays to be erotic when it clings to your clothes after a night out ‘cuz you never quite made it home to change: Apothia Velvet Rope.


    • Lee says:

      You know what’s funny? Velvet Rope smells exactly like an antibiotic liquid I had a few times as a child – must be the vanillic element. First time I sniffed it, I was taken back to childhood bedroom and being nursed by ma. So much for a rock’n’roll lifestyle…:-?

    • Debbie says:

      Wow, that sounds by far worse than anything that made the list. Ashtrays.

  • minette says:

    valerian smells like concentrated cat pee – in a good way… which might explain why my cat george goes nuts over the smell. he actually looks for the bottle.

    loved the list. it might explain my lack of dates for valentine’s day. i wear a number of these fragrances. 😮

    • Lee says:

      Feet, cat pee, and I think a little poop too – like something you’ve trodden in and can’t work out where that funk is coming from…

    • Debbie says:

      Which fragrance is valerian-heavy? I *have* to freak out my cats with this. And my husband. :d

    • Vasily says:

      You can get valerian powder or extract at your local health food store … it’s been used at least since the 19th century as a sleep aid and anxiolytic. Get a little on your hands and they’ll smell funky for quite a while. 🙂

  • Vasily says:

    In 2006, the Stilton company commissioned a blue cheese perfume. Notes included yarrow, angelica seed, clary sage and valerian. Since valerian always reminds me of the smell of unwashed, sweaty feet it probably works well in this perfume.

    I think I’ll pass. I prefer my Stilton on crackers. 🙂

  • Katie says:

    Well, I think I’ll ruin everything… Oh, I will… 🙂
    Loved the post !

  • Lara says:

    LMAO!-and left me with an overwhelming desire to sample those I haven’t yet. I couldn’t agree more about the Mono di Orio- although in my case, it would be sex with other people who are incontinent.

  • peachgirl says:

    Spot on. I’m gonna go shopping now. Thanks!

  • Christine says:

    Oh you guys…you brighten my day. Now before I run off to do actual work while humming “50 ways to lose your lover,” I’ll just let you know that the boyfriend is apparently a GIANT fan of the incontinence because the Pamplelune is his favorite on me. And while I find it to be a slightly rotten grapefruit, and just okay, he apparently really likes it. He doesn’t even like grapefruit to eat. I question his ability to smell at all.


    *just jump out the back, jack…etc.”

  • pantera lilly says:

    :(( I have a terrible sinus headache and feel like s___t. But I gotta tell you Patty, I got a chuckle out of this one!! Thanks, I needed that.

  • tmp00 says:

    So I’m a dead Pyro freak into engines and syrup-covered sex?

    Fine by me! :d

  • Denise says:

    ROFL. I hate working in a cubicle; everyone can hear me laughing. I loved that image of having to shave your breasts every morning…priceless..

  • Billy D says:

    I like my sex with a little syrup on top just as much as the next guy, but still I can’t do Sables.


    I’m loving all of these, especially those where your special disdain for gardenia’s evil auxilliary, le fromage bleu, is apparent.

    • Patty says:

      Sables grows on you,you’ll see. Remind me to ask you in a year if you’ve changed your mind.

      I actually love gardenia, but not in those two, yowzah!

      • Lee says:

        I can affirm to the slow burn addictive qualities of Sables.:x

        • Debbie says:

          Okay, that settles it. I had been twisting in the wind on Sables…to try or not to try. Now I’ve got to try it. Besides that, it’s actually sold on Amazon, the only place where friends and family will go for wishlists. That’s important. Otherwise, I’ll end up with things like White Diamonds. Too bad they don’t have an emoticon for throwing up.

  • donanicola says:

    Just the best post there will ever be on this subject!And brilliant sketches of many of my favs. It’s funny because I knew there was a reason why I haven’t yet worn my Jubilation 25 sample to work yet. Sweaty Diorella. She’s a full on WOMAN.

  • erin k. says:

    glad to see it’s not just me on the kouros!

    and here’s some more anti-VD skulls:
    8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x !!!!!!!!!

  • Malena says:

    you really made me laugh =)) thank you!

    i think BF is already used to many of the frags you wrote about, so no way to kill “the moment” with a scent – but there are still other ways, right :)) ?

    (by the way, there are scents that i really find vile, like alien :^o )

  • pitbull friend says:

    Absolutely fantastic, dear hearts! The only thing I would add is, don’t you want a little MKK for that full-diaper effect?:o –Ellen

  • Theresa says:

    Bravo! Absolutely hilarious!

  • moi says:

    Hilarious. Here’s another one: “I’m gonna seduce you, stalk you, then boil your bunny.” Gucci EDP.

    (This stuff is still clinging to my wrist this morning. Only now, it’s wearing a baby doll pink shorty slip, sucking on cotton candy, and flipping the bird. What IS this stuff?)

    • BBliss says:

      Oh yes, that stuff is wretched – or just not for me – it nearly took me and the whole family down with whatever patch was in there – I think my skin took it and magnified that note about 1000x. It went on and on, past any attempts with rubbing alcohol, soap, etc. The sweater I was wearing needs to be burned. Orris Noir did something similar on me – where I had people around begging me to get rid of that smell! I need to find the similar note… 😕

    • Patty says:

      Oh, hey now! You’re dissing one of my big faves, though I have heard if it doesn’t like you, it will slash your tires while you’re driving in the country, leaving you stranded.

      It loves me. 🙂

      • moi says:

        BBliss, did it turn into cigarette butts soaked in vodka on your sweater? That’s what it did on mine.

        What I’d LOVE to do is have a spritz party with all my girlfriends and see how it treats each one differently. But not until it warms up where we can do it OUTSIDE.

        • BBliss says:

          Sorry Patty – we’re talking the newest Gucci – I know you loved the old one, right? – is this also a fave? I need to search your old reviews…

          No, moi, no butts and vodka – just choking FLORAL and sweet, sweet patch. Tenacious and weird.

  • Divalano says:

    Dear Abby … er, Patty,

    I just read your column & um, I like Bulgari Black. Not just on me, but on my bf, too. Should I be worried?


    mwah ha ha!! Love the list …. So, me & my bf are confirmed nonparticipants in VDay. We have a pact to “Valentine” each other whenever the mood strikes, 364 days a year, any day but V Day. So, who has the hot V Day date? Yeah, us – we just scored Eddie Izzard tix for that night. SO excited. And earlier that afternoon I’m going to a perfume focus group presentation workshop sorta thing that the Sniffa ladies hooked up. So I guess I’ll be hard pressed to ignore it this year, lol.

    Trying to think of the perfect scent for an Eddie Izzard show. The mind reels ….

  • Robin says:

    Perfect, as always!

  • BBliss says:

    Best start to a work day – EVEH! Awesome collaborative effort! Love the too late for the pelvic floor…

    I think you need one straight up “I’m Just Not in the Mood Category” and the first one that comes to mind is the most recent horror – that Pucci Vivara – because who wants to kiss, etc. all over someone that reeks of burning plastic. Actually this one could work like a Jedi-mind-trick, because than your amour would be justifiably pleading headache, not you.:d

    • erin k. says:

      there is no try, young jedi … there is only SM.

      8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x

    • Patty says:

      That new Pucci is just foul. The vintage is really quite good, and it’s a travesty what they did to it.

      • BBliss says:

        I would have fruity-floral for that bottle alone…why would they concoct something so unwearable/unmarketable? It’ll be a vinatge in its own right soon enough!

  • Eileen says:


  • Flor says:

    I didn’t expect such an irreverent post (although I should’ve known better) – and I was pleasantly surprised. I’m still laughing and trying to figure out what category I fit into! I’m saving this post – it’s a classic!!

  • Suzanne says:

    Bloody.Brilliant.Post. The three of you are evil geniuses! ^:)^

  • chayaruchama says:

    Oh, you sick petite biatch, you !
    I think I DO love you more than cheese, now… or olives, for God’s sake.
    Yup, you’ve got ALL the bases covered.
    I’ll do everything BUT the MdB and Pampelune!

  • Marina says:

    Actually, PST will be next week. The, um, editor, had a brain malfunction and confused her dates.

    Love your list. Scary thing is, I could easily do most of the things you describe as I own most of the scents you list 🙂 The scarier thing is that they don’t kill the moment for Mr. C anymore. Poor thing, he is immune.

    • erin k. says:

      i’ll be sure to watch for your post on pst!

      i’ve managed to make one of my cats immune to my perfume testing. he had gotten to where he would run away when he saw me pull out a sample vial! (smart kitty.) now he just sits there nest to me, resigned.

      and the other 2 cats – well, they always try to lick the perfume off my arm. freaks! :d

      8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x

      • Debbie says:

        Cats? I have to comment.

        My 22 y/o cat is like the two of yours that try to lick it off. I think he thinks he’s cleaning me…either that, or as my husband said, he likes the taste of it. Eeew.

        All the rest of them couldn’t care less, except once when I had something really civet-heavy on my wrist. My 14 y/o cat didn’t try to lick it off. Instead, he licked his lips in the way that indicates, “Oh, YUM!!” Hmmm…set me to thinking, let me tell you.

      • Debbie says:

        Oh, also think it’s hilarious that the one learned what a vial meant and also that there was no resistance. :d A siamese, by any chance?

        • erin k. says:

          actually, he’s a singapura. they’re fairly rare in the u.s., and, as you can tell, extremely smart. he knows every cat toy hiding place, even if i’ve only used it once.

          and your kitty with the “oh, yum” look – ROFL! hope you moved quick so kitty wouldnt bite your arm off!


          • Debbie says:

            I did watch him closely. If they decide they’re really going to go after something, it doesn’t matter if there’s human flesh underneath (as I learned to feed some things via a spoon).

          • Flora says:

            Erin, those Singapuras are so lovely, I always wanted one! I have Persians now but maybe someday….

    • Patty says:

      I’m just surprised we remembered! Well, we had the idea for doing it this way a month ago and turned our e-mail joking into a post. 🙂

  • Anne says:

    Thanks for changing what was starting out as a not so hot Friday into a great start to my weekend. I’ll be laughing out loud at random points during the day, no one at work could ever, ever understand why. Thank you Goddess for all things Posse. XOXO

  • Elle says:

    LMAO!! Absolutely brilliant! All I can say is thank God DH is very close to being anosmic – at least when it comes to my perfumes.

    • Patty says:

      See, that would be helpful! Mine just moves away from me, especially if it’s the end of the day, and I’ve been doing a lot of testing and I smell like perfume factory.

  • MattS says:

    Oh man, I knew I preferred the women’s Jubilation for a reason…I always suspected that I just might be a dirty, dirty fellow and I think your list confirmed it. Of course, it also confirmed that you guys are just as twisted as me. What a terrific way to start the day, lotsa laughs and the inspiration to wear something filthy. Where shall I begin??!!

    • MattS says:

      I went with Kouros; Dusan sold me with “warm pi$$ and sweaty ballsack.” It’s gonna be a great day…

    • Patty says:

      Hey, the chick’s amouage, I don’t think, is that feminine, just skanky as all get-out.

      But Kouros? You’re killin me! :((

    • erin k. says:

      (damn thing didn’t post in the right spot! grrrrr!)

      glad to see it’s not just me on the kouros! and please disregard the stupid previous post that landed at the bottom.

      and some more skulls, because i’m really feeling the VD hate right now:
      8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x

      p.s. – everyone please start referring to valentine’s day as VD so we can start a “down with cheap pink and red chocolates and singing balloons” revolution! VIVA LA REVOLUCION! and i will start by wearing KOUROS!!! :d

  • Louise says:

    Aw, you guys are too funny :))

    But seriously now, I usually destroy that unwanted “mood” in a date with icy silence, and for those who know me, you know how hard that is 8-|

    Love the list, though some of the sources are clearly linkable to author (Borneo, much, Marchele? MdM gotcha, Lee? Chypre Rouge, Patty?).

    Top of my list to ruin anything, anytime-Secretions M. Just vile. I can take pee and poo, even, er male stuff, but the blood, ugh.I had fun scaring my ex and my son with that vile juice.

    BTW, I wax before putting on my Prada-more ladylike.

    Happy Romance to you all!

    • Patty says:

      Secretions is vile, and it should be banned. Smelling it makes my stomach churn, I swear. I can’t even bear to be near it.

  • *HUGE belly laugh!!!!=))

    This was a PRICELESS post and oh, my Gosh! There are tons of favourites among them! I am ruined for Valentine’s I’m telling you, utterly ruined! :-j

    • Patty says:

      Well, that we included a lot of our own favorites is no reflection on our love for many of these, but some are a bit, um, gamey or weird or just downright flipping freakfest, but we still love them.

      They just might drive the people nearby out of the room.

  • Gina says:

    It’s PURELY a coincidence that I’m wearing SMN Nostalgia. I do love animals but not in THAT way. It smells like…ok, forgive me for this – crack cocaine when you first put it on. I smelled that at a party and it was the weirdest, most synthetic smell. This was in the early 90’s.

    This post is great, thank you.

    • Patty says:

      No joke? Wow! I’ve never smelled crack. I keep saying, I learn more from y’all than I ever thought possible. 😉

      • tmp00 says:

        I’ve smelled crack. It was in Brooklyn at a bodega when my friend Martina dropped in to buy cat food. We walked out and I commented upon the bizarre smell in there. She looked at me and in her finishing-school voice said “Good lord Tom, that’s Crack!” as if it were as normal as smelling fresh bananas…

        • Gina says:

          That is PRICELESS!!!!!! I’ve had a rather, ahem, “colorful” past. And I just realized the way I worded it, it sounds like I’m saying crack cocaine smells like crack cocaine when you first put it on. har. Oopsie.

  • Debbie says:

    Your first six points? BWAHAHAHA!!! What’s bad is that it makes me want to try them all. (Yes, yes: I want to join the Skank Club.) What’s worse is

    (1) Your linkage of “you’re into animals” with MH Rien,
    (2) My love of Rien
    (3) I *am* into animals….although probably not the way you meant.

    Frankly, I’m not sure ANY fragrance could ruin anything for my husband. Maybe Kouros, from the sound of it. Once I put on too much of something (you know, like that poignant last scene in the movie, “Perfume”). He said something about his eyes watering from the teargas. I think it was just a question of amount versus whatever it was. Right? :d

    I know what you mean about needing a drink or two to face the schmaltz of something. But that relates to an unflattering tale regarding someone else, so I’ll just let it go with letting you know my empathy. It’s mixed with some dread or resignation too, if we were mixing up a fragrance for it.

    Anyway, I thought I was pretty caught up with the scents I wanted to try with my recent order. Now I’ve got to add at least the things from the first six onto my list. :-w 🙂

    • Patty says:

      Yeah, with some of these, it’s quantity. A little L’air du rien goes a long way. 🙂

      • Debbie says:

        A little goes a long way? REALLY? I could drown myself in that stuff. I’ll try to remember that the next time I use it.

        Hey, Patty, could you look at the Customer Service thing for TPC. I sent in a question because of a problem, and I don’t know who else to ask. [-o<

      • Debbied says:

        Patty, never mind on the TPC question. Diane got back to me. 🙂

  • Dusan says:

    Ah…ah…hahaha can you hear my stomach wobbling from the roaring laughter? No, I’m not incontinent but I think I just peed myself a little, hell A LOT! This is hilarious!
    Okay, so you’re saying I don’t really need to bother showering ever again? Yay! Although I’m not sure I’d like to waft MdB around so will duly change my undies —
    Which reminds me: it breaks my heart, but I must hide/burn that stash of silk thongs and schedule an appointment with a pulmologist asap.

    • Dusan says:

      Just for the record, Kouros will reward you with a really amazing drydown only if you’re willing to spend the first half hour smelling like warm pi$$ and sweaty ballsack. I’m not that brave, but then I lurve Déclaration *and* Eau de Cartier 😀

      • erin k. says:

        ok, now i REALLY need to smell kouros. 😮

        and thanks posse for an anti-VD list! loved it!
        8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x

    • Patty says:

      If we’ve made you laugh, our work is done here. 🙂

  • violetnoir says:

    And, babe, it’s true: You know that you really can’t afford me, lol! You introduced me to that fragrance!

    Think about it: If I want to smell of vomit, I’ll douse on 100% Love!

    Love the incontinent, bondage, and diaper ones, Patty. Priceless!

    Hugs and love right back at you!

    • Patty says:

      Ah, March and Lee did most of these, I just made sure the post got up. 🙂

      Doblis, I know! I keep counting the drops in my bottle and crying.