(Notes for Eau d’Italie Baume du Doge: sweet orange, bergamot, cinnamon, coriander, cardamom, fennel, black pepper, myrrh, frankincense, clove, cedar, saffron, vetiver, vanilla, benzoin)
(Cue the background music: Right Said Fred’s immortal lyrics…)
I´m too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts
And I´m too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan
New York and Japan
And I´m too sexy for your party
Too sexy for your party
No way I´m disco dancing…
If I had a conversation with Eau d´Italie Baume du Doge, it would sound something like this:
Baume du Doge: Hey, sweet thing. Howzit goin´?
March: Uh … fine, thanks.
BdD: You can call me Da Bomb, girlie. Da … bomb. Heh heh. Get it? Hey, hand me that ashtray, willya?
March: Sure – hey, I´mâ€”
BdD: That´s great, sweet lips. So, you come here often?
March: Not reallyâ€”
BdD: I smell good, yeah? You smell me? Nice, huh? Quality. That´s what I´m saying. I´m a quality guy. No cheap shit on me, ya know? Check it – that orange. It´s big, yeah? You like it? You like a big orange? Girls always tellin´ me my orange is huge!
BdD: I know, I know, ladies loooove the orange! And how bout those spices! Those are something. Got some big ol´ spices goin´ on there.
March: Big orange. Big spices, yes.
BdD: My clove! My cedar!! Baby, check out my WOOD!!!! That´s some huge, spicy orange wood right there!! Lean on in. Lean in and smell the wood! I´m tellin´ you! Qual-it-tee stuff right here!
March: No offense, but … I´m just not that into you. I mean, you hit all the right notes. You look good on paper. But in person, you´re annoying. There´s no subtlety. There´s a big fat pepper-mill opening, then a spicy orange … Even the frankenmyrrh drydown is a disappointment. There´s some benzoin there, but it´s so muddy! I didn´t like Sienne l´Hiver either, and you might even be worse. Why does Bertrand Duchaufour do such dank scents occasionally? You smell a clove-studded orange left in the trunk of my car a little too long.
BdD: Studly orange!!! That´s me, baby, thanks for appreciating my finer qualities. I am STUDLY.
March: … you are a hot mess, you know that?
BdD: HAWT!!!! Say, you want to rooolll like an orange with me? Get it? Get it? Roooollll????
March: Waiter, could you please call me a taxi?
BdD: My place or yours?
March: Go away already, you pimped-out pomander.
BdD: But babyâ€”
March: Scram! Adios!! SHOO!!!!!
image: random guy who popped up I think when I googled “lounge lizard” and I hope he doesn’t run across his image here and leave me hate-spam. I wonder why he’s wearing that thing on his head? Also, anyone with an iPod should have I’m Too Sexy on there, and if you can listen to it without laughing out loud and/or vogue-ing your way through it, you are made of sterner stuff than I am.
PS You nail polish nuts, please drop by my post from yesterday and advise me.