Hello to all of my lovely Posse peeps, lovers of all things smelly from cat pee to crypts through to schwetty ass. How glad I am to have you! Most especially glad when I have had had close encounters with Those Who Do Not Understand as I did this week. Allow me to set the scene for you: a stormy Tuesday morning in the Home Counties of England. I have to drop my daughters off at their respective schools – the older to her Reception class and the younger to preschool- and then run back to the first school for a Parents’ association meeting. The alarm fails to go off (which you can read as husband hit ‘off’ instead of ‘snooze’) leaving us with 30 minutes from consciousness to the school gate. It is only a 10 minute drive but the parking is AWFUL, especially in torrential rain when everyone drives. In my haste to get dressed, I just grab the nearest decant and give myself a healthy blast, sort of like perfumista Dutch courage. Grab children, get them in car, buckle up and we are off! Miraculously, the traffic gods smile on me and I hit all green lights. Clearly, the gods thought I have had my fill of luck because the only parking space I could find was 2 streets away and I had 3 minutes to get to the gate. So, of course, we run- wearing waterproof jackets that reckon themselves breathable. Daughter 1 safely delivered, Daughter 2 and I set off for her school, only to find ourselves stuck in traffic due to a collision up ahead. Consequently, we pull up at her school just in the nick of time and I run her in, and then run back to my car to get back to the first school in time for the meeting. Bypassing the collision traffic on the way back, I manage to get a reasonable parking space and, for the third time that morning, sprint for the door. I make it in time and, as you can imagine, I am feeling hot and flushed from all of the rushing around. So, I whisk off the jacket and and slide into a chair…..
And for the first time that morning have a chance to really register what fragrance I am wearing as it billows out in a cloud from inside my jacket and off of my flushed skin…Bal a Versailles. To my nose, it is a sultry, spicy scent so I figure I am okay – no perfumed sex here, thank goodness. I focus on what is being discussed but soon become aware that the women on both sides of me have discreetly moved their chairs away a bit. I tune out the meeting and tune into the people around me and notice several people sniffing the air suspiciously. Uh-oh. Two mums are whispering to each other and then look at me. This is not good. I try to surreptitiously sniff my shirt and find the same sultry spice that I always find with Bal a Versailles. What is going on? The meeting finally, mercifully, ends and the room clears out quickly. My good friend who was sitting across the room from me comes across to say hello and slows her approach at about 4 feet away, face wrinkled in confusion. ‘What’s wrong?’ I ask. ‘Can you smell that raunchy smell? Who didn’t shower? Oh my god, it’s you!’, she says, coming closer and sniffing. ‘You smell like you have just been shagged rotten! Oh no – Is that why you were late and all flushed?’ I am horrified. Horrified. My innocent rushing of the morning, due to no alarm, torrential rain and traffic, has left me looking like I just rolled off my husband and then driven to a Parents Association meeting! And, as if it get could get worse, I cannot even explain that it was my perfume because who, besides us ‘fumies, would understand why a person would deliberately want to smell postcoital?
Clearly, what smelled okay to me on my skin smelled like something VERY different to others who smelled Bal a Versailles on me. Has this ever happened to you? Or have you had a similar horror story of the absolute wrong fragrance for a certain occasion? Please share them if you do – I don’t want to be the only one! Also, suggestions for scents of innocence and moral uprightness welcomed as I think I need to do a lot of damage control on this one.