Hey, put the flame thrower down!
These are our worst perfumes! Not yours, not ones that 100% are the worst perfumes ever made, just ones that we think pretty much blow and get classified as toxic air waste or just piss us off.
Here’s how this works – we list the stuff we hate, then you tell us how wrong we are, then list the stuff you hate, which I’m certain will be some of our Perfume Sacred Cows. We’ll gnash our teeth and caterwhaul about it, and in the end we won’t agree about any of it. But we’ll all have fun trashing the…
worst perfumes evah!
Patty’s list –
- Marc Jacobs Lola – Daisy’s slutty big sister, but, hey, look, no slut or taste! We hate this because Marc Jacobs usually gives better bottle than this and didn’t make up for it with decent perfume. It’s a perfume that pisses me off.
- Marc Jacobs Dot – Cutest.Bottle.Ever. Worst.Perfume.Ever. Marc, you disappoint me on so many levels.
- Jo Malone Pomegranate Noir – I used to call this Patchouli Whore. Oh, wait, I still do!
- Tom Ford Amber Absolute – Amber beehive with the bees still in it.
- Guerlain Winter Delices – “Oh, no, mom, I threw up behind the Christmas tree.”
- Estee Lauder Pleasures/Knowing/Beyond Paradise – I think they are the same perfume… with the same feminine hygiene product infused with TampaxFreshAccord.
- Etat Libre d’Orange Secretions Magnifique – Dexter episode
- Thierry Mugler Alien – jasmine cough syrup, and luckily! they also provided the phlegm.
- Guerlain Shalimar – oh, hey, hon, do me a solid and hand me the baby powder so I can slip into this rubber thong.
- Jimmy Choo – Your shoe bench is calling you back.
- Madonna Truth or Dare – Truth is? This isn’t the worst celebrity dreck, but it’s boring, which is, well, worse.
- Estee Lauder Youth Dew – Room clearing. One wonders what bathrooms used to smell like when this was a bath oil. It would certainly earn you a bathroom to yourself. Hmmm, that could have been the point.
- Chanel Coco Noir – you know, hate isn’t the right word. Did making a perfume that wasn’t designed by a focus group occur to anyone at the Chanel Perfume Brain Trust? You guys have the budget, know-how and talent to make amazing fragrances. You know that old saying… to whom much has been given, lots of beatings will be administered when you keep taking the safe route, or something like that. I loathe Chanel No. 5 with the the heat of a thousand burning suns, but it will never go on a hate list because it was brave, daring, and that frosty bitch is anything but safe.
Anita’s list –
Patty and I laughed like hyenas (HYENAS!) over ‘her’ list. I can’t really fault any of them except the Shalimar (in perfume only) and, oddly enough, the ONE THIERRY MUGLER THAT I ACTUALLY LIKE!!! I don’t ‘love’ Alien – but I was so damn happy to not hate Every Single Thing he has done that I leapt on it like a wolverine (you can tell I’m all about the matted fur and gnashing teeth today. I’m envisioning hyenas and wolverines battling over a bottle of Youth Dew)
But I have some moo-ah to add to the list. Mine are mostly ‘I can’t believe you LIED to me” perfumes. You know, those perfumes that said “I have the notes that will make your heart go pitter-patter….come, step into this dark little alcove and snuggle with me.”…so you step your little trusting self into that dark little alcove…and a few moments later, come staggering out, clutching the dagger that XXX perfume just slid between your ribs….
- L’Heure Bleue parfum and Lorenzo Villoresi Teinte de Neige. Whoever pushed me on the Krispy Kreme conveyor belt should be ashamed of themselves.
- PG Drama Nuui. “hey, come smell this gorgeous green grass… don’t worry about that wobbly Easter Island Musk-Head. I’m sure it won’t fall over on you. No, really. It’s FINE!”
- Clinique Aromatics Elixir. The Official Perfume of Mordor.
- Thierry Mugler Angel. Studio 54. 1980. Women’s bathroom. 5am Sunday.
- Fresh Index Pomegranate Anise. Michael Myers’s signature scent.
- By Kilian Good Girl Gone Bad. I Crossed Delancey and fell into Sam’s pickle barrel.