Perfume for Wildlife

gws

the shower is WHAT???

My darlings, I still don’t have the Orange Perfumes post done because Just Keep Reading.   Blame. El O.  This post is not going to be an invective against him.  Noooooo….I promise.  I will simply lay out the facts and let you draw your own conclusions – and I’ll weave a bit of perfume  within.  And then we’ll go on our merry way, whistling a happy tune.   Or, perhaps, the tune will be the theme from…. Really, guys….not ONE of you would convict me.  So here’s what happened.  Remember the Polar Vortex?  -15F  MINUS-15 FIF-TEEN Be-freakin’-LOW!??? “honey, should we run a trickle of water tonight?” – stupid me, I should’ve just run the damn water.  Something about me saying anything about ANYTHING brings out the Terrible Twos.  My daddy had a saying ‘you cain’t tell him fat meat is greasy’    and my daddy wuz right.  Anyhoo….busted pipe.  Now…busted pipe in the Land of El O is like a broken fingernail in a salon. You fix it and move on.  Unless you are Crazy.  In which case you……..you……you…suddenly decide to rip out all the plumbing in the ONLY shower..in JANUARY!!…..and then you take FIVE DAYS to fix it.

 

Day One:  I’m stunned – but somehow not surprised – that our bathroom pipes froze.  After all, it’s -15 and the pipes are in a crawlspace.  And I was idiotic enough to seek his opinion about the water because I am an idiot.  So.  okay.  My shower from the night before and the ‘bits and pieces’ spongebath will have to do.  I was in Carnal Flower the night before.  I’m still in Carnal Flower.  Could be worse.

Day Two:  Pipes are thawed.  Pipe is found to be busted.   Rut-row!  Water shut off.  Luckily I have water in several pitchers and the coffeemaker is full, etc.   I have hot water in the kitchen so I can ‘bits and pieces’ and so I do…..still Carnal Flower cause ‘bits and pieces’.  That evening he fixes the pipe and I’m thinking ‘fie,fie, fiddledeedee, we’ll just limp the old pipes along until Spring’ because that’s what non-crazy people do, right?  The sponge bath (replete with a pitcher of hot water poured over me) is a novelty and enough to squiggle me into a feeling of complacency…….I slather on some Jergens and Chanel No 5 because it reminds me of my mother, who was a bath person.  He’ll hook that shower-dawg back up in time for PopTarts!

Day Three:Um.  No.  No PopTarts.   Mr Psychopath decides to rip out all the plumbing.  We can get water from the sink but not the bath – and certainly not the shower.  So here I am, in freezing temps, standing in front of the sink, soaping up (which just feels squicky), then stepping into the tub with a pitcher of water…then stepping out again to get yet another pitcher of water….you see how this would be insane, right?  Jergens and Heeley Amandiere…which works in theory but not if you have just sponged-and-poured.  Something about the combo makes me feel like this anx2I manage to scrub off the Amandiere  and reapply No 5.  At night I tried out a bit of TDC Rose Poivre, the original formulation, which has a Dirty Girl vibe that goes well with my crunchy-feelin’ self.  Hey, I’m a middle-class American girl.  I live for The Shower.

cobra

everything’s fiiiiiine

Day 4:  Still no shower, lots of flexible tubing in the bathroom, which looks like a missile hit it, with the hole in the floor and crap everywhere….El O is starting to worry.  I am not yelling at him.   I am not giving him the side eye.  I’m being pleasant.  This can’t be good.  What he doesn’t realize is, I’ve put on Mitsouko (at a friend’s mention) and I am now morphing into this:  Here’s a newsflash for ya: Mitsouko is NOT THAT GIRL.  Day 4, trapped in a house with a torn-up bathroom, a pitcher of hot water and freezing temps?   Before you know it,  the person who started this mess is flinching with every move I make and sleeping with one eye open….Mitsy started whispering sweet nothings about the cleaver.  The whispering??? Crap, I scared myself!

Day 5:  It’s Fun to Stay at the YMCA!  For $10 I was able to stand in a hot shower for 45 minutes.  Okay.  Not.  It was  20 minutes in a hot shower, then 20 minutes in the sauna (the Y doesn’t have towels? but they have a sauna?  Sometimes it’s just weird, innit?) then 45 minutes in another hot shower.   I dried off with paper towels, slathered myself with Amouage Gold lotion….went and had a nice lunch….came home and was all

seepybaby

photo stolen: dailypuppy.com

Of course, he had no idea I’d gone to the Y (it’s in Peoria, we’re not members, etc), nor did he have any idea I boosted $10 from his wallet (squoo him.  who takes apart the only functioning shower in the house – in January? I’m going back for gas and lunch money, dammit!).  The fact that I said NOTHING about the shower scared the living snot out of him – lemme tell you, the evening of Day 5?  That shower was FIXED!

openeye

I’m watching you!

So here I sit, Day 6,  showered and dried with real towels and feeling mostly Not Bitey.  I’m in the most beautiful Coty Chypre – 1940s.  Smells like Paradise.  But I think I’ll keep something  on the nightstand, Just In Case he thinks about doing something else stupid……  any recommendations???

 

 

54 Comments

  1. As usual, another hilarious post! (Although I’m sure it was less than funny to you while it was going on!) So instead of a perfume suggestion, I have another idea. I would leave order information on your nightstand for the most expensive perfume you can think of that you want – and not just a small bottle, but the largest offering available. That ought to give him pause 🙂 Hang in there!

    • I like how you think! You know what would scare him even more? An order form for an automatic shotgun! 😀

      xoxoA

  2. I’ve never had to deal with the whole busted pipe issue and spending a week getting it fixed but I’ve dealt with the power outage for days issue. Hence why my outside fridge is stocked with Tupperware full of water. I swear every time there is a storm warning, I fill up every pitcher and bucket I own with water and chose my perfume selection wisely. I usually chose no. 5, no.22 and Mitsouko for my SOTD if the power goes out. It sucks doesn’t it when you gotta do the whole spot wash bathing doesn’t it?

    • OMG! that is perfect! And …there is a scent called Vendetta as well…….between those two…. xoxooxA

  3. Being a married woman with Tom Fordish habits I so sympathize with you! I’d keep some vintage Magie Noire close by. Enjoy your shower!

  4. I’d recommend Montale Amandes Orientales: all sweetness and coziness and tiger pee. That’ll keep him on his toes. Congratulations on your fixed shower!

    • Hi, sweetie! How’s the weather in your neck of the woods? TIGER PEE! Yes! hey, did you know I am allergic to tiger pee? Well and truly. Found that out in the weirdest way…..but that is for another post…

      xxoxoxoA

      • That’s the tragic thing: we have “early spring” weather. Pansies in bloom on my balcony. We’ll probably get the polar vortex in May…..

        Allergic to tiger pee? Honestly? I’m intrigued…..

  5. If there was an issue with the pipes in my house, I’d be the one who’d be fixing it. The hubband is cute and all, but handy is not a word that’s ever been used to describe him. Sometimes I wish he was but then I hear stories like yours or about those husbands that think they’re handy and end up really screwing things up before calling in the pros and I think that mine isn’t that bad. He knows his limits and doesn’t pretend to have a clue which saves me money and aggravation in the end.
    If I were you I’d keep a bottle of the perfume he hates the most on your nightstand. If you can’t bathe and you can’t wash it off, smelling of something he can’t stand might provide the inspiration to speed up the repairs.

    • Hey, sweetie! How’s the pup?

      The worst thing about El O? He can build a house in his frfeakin’ SLEEP! My ex was not handy (he was tall, though, so that was useful) and I was fine with calling in a pro. But El O IS THAT PRO~ which is why his absurd response to the water thing was just so strange. But he’s also narcissistic (there. I said it) and obstinate, obdurate….all the bad ‘obs’! In hindsight I should’ve said ‘feck it! Nothing will happen to our pipes. Let’s shut off all the water and keep all the cabinet doors closed!’

      xoxoxoA

  6. Oh my stars, Musette, I just, well, you’re hilarious and I can relate! Our pipes didn’t freeze but the old van in the driveway did, the antifreeze wasn’t industrial strength, apparently. No suggestions for the night stand except no cleavers, might be too tempting. And hey, a question: why can’t I see the pictures on the Posse? I’ve tried Feedly, Google Chrome, Firefox, no success. Suggestions welcome.

    • Oh, crap! You can’t see the pics? They’re the funniest part of the post (shark/tiger/cobra/Rott puppy/snoozing tiger with eyes cracked open in that Scary Tiger Way). I couldn’t even begin to tell you why you can’t see them – I consider it a Banner Day if I can get the post in the right format! LOL!

      And crappity crap on your van! Hope it can be fixed without a lot of $ drama!

      How’s the knee?

      xoxoxoA

      • I haven’t been able to see photos on the Posse either, for a month or so. They briefly returned for a couple of days a few weeks ago and then disappeared again. The flag gravatars on comments are also MIA.

  7. How about an order on the nightstand with just Juliette has a Gun showing. He might think soon it will be Anita has a Gun. What’s the one perfume he absolutely can’t stand? I’d be wearing that for a few days straight applied in the spray-until-wet method.

  8. It’s FUN to stay at the YMCA, It’s FUN to stay at the Y……….
    Ear Worm. You’re welcome
    Portia xx

  9. So so funny! The photo illustrations you added made it even more so. The cobra! HA Ah, man, I feel really bad for you. But told in retrospect, this is the funniest story. I’m so glad that you are warm, clean, comfortable and smelling beautiful now. Thanks for sharing your pain with us readers. I know I appreciate the giggles immensely. Maybe the nightstand should have a book with a pretend book jacket saying, “Fifty Ways to Leave No Evidence” or something to that effect. 🙂

    • I think that would tip him right over the edge! 😀 I can put up with a lot – but willful foolishness just makes me BITEY!

      xoxoxoA

  10. Fragrances that evoke images of the Far East are full-bodies, sensual and exotic. They are extremely feminine scents and use scents like musk, resin, balsam, sweet vanilla and warm spices to create a warm yet mysterious sensation. Oriental scents are often combined with citrus or flowery notes to form a seductive scent designed for formal events, special evenings, and first dates. The animalistic base of oriental fragrances draws your femininity out and puts it on display.

  11. Oh Miss M, at least things in your world haven’t been boring lately! Men do do the strangest things, but really- 5 days? Lol! And I think sponge baths always feel icky, but I’m thankful dry shampoo exists 🙂
    Oh and I’m with Rosarita- since the new format- no pics 🙁

  12. Oh, sweetie, what an ordeal! But so, so glad it’s over now! But thanks for sharing it so hilariously with us. I actually read it late last night, which was a good thing because I had no tea to spew all over my keyboard, ha! I have to share my little frozen pipe tale (not nearly as funny/dramatic as yours, however). To preface it, I love, love, LOVE my mother-in-law, the most precious lady who has been my mom for nearly 30 years now and we have always gotten along famously with nary a cross word between us. Anyhoo, one Christmas about 22 years ago, she came up to stay with us for the holiday. We were having some record low temps with a freeze warning, so before he went to bed, DH opened the kitchen cabinet doors and left the faucets dripping. Well, MIL gets up at 4 a.m., sees all this disarray and decides to set things right and then go back to bed. Needless to say, the kitchen pipes froze and I was ready to have her hide on a platter. Guess in retrospect, we should have put up a big sign saying “DO NOT TOUCH,” huh? We all took turns under the cabinets with a hair dryer and got things thawed out, but …

    • oh, YIKES! Yeah, that kind of ‘help’ you do NOT need! My dad was that kind of ‘helper’, bless his soul. I had a leak in a pipe in the bathroom – he, bless his heart, came and patched up the pipe…and then he CEMENTED! the wall. “well, if it leaks again, you won’t have it all over your cabinet!” was his response…

      …my response….well, nebber you mind! 😀

      xoxoxoxoA

      • ….trying to imagine a cemented bathroom wall…… I guess that’s better than my dad who would have covered everything in duct tape! *he loved that stuff*

  13. Dear, dear, Musette, I don’t know if your ELO reads all this but I’ll make it short.
    If he were mine I’d have killed him by day 3.
    2 years ago in the midst of summer and a 34° C temperature my two- left- hands hubby decided to do some plumbing.
    To make things worse I had just broken 2 fingers and torn a few ligaments in my right hand so I allready had to wash and shower with some crazy plastic bag construction wrapped around my hand and arm to keep the plaster and everything underneath dry. I assure you I considered divorce by day 3. There wasn’t any running water for 5 days and I had to manipulate large Evian bottles using only one hand. I imagine that not speaking can be affective but by day 3 I was shouting my lungs out at him. In short I completly symphatize with you.
    Do pamper yourself now that everything is in working order again! Lot’s a love,
    illdone

    • OMG! Divorce? Squoo that. That’s where that cobra comes in handy! LOL! Oh, you poor thing. Omg.

      xoxoxoA and a whole lotta ((((()))))s

      • and btw – meant to say: El O wouldn’t know the Posse if it leapt off the computer and bit him on the nose!

  14. God bless your heart. You must really love El O or he has one hell of a guardian angel! 😛

    We’re advised to leave our faucets at a slow drip if we dip below 20! I don’t know if it’s because this is a very rural, poor area, where most live in trailers or very old un-insulated houses? Our home is new and very well insulated, but we still do it because we’re on a well and it’s the pipe from the well to the house that we have to worry about. ( But it’s underground, so I still don’t get it) And I then lay awake all night worrying that the well will run dry.

    We lose power routinely, so I have the drill down. We keep about 10 gallon jugs of water on hand for flushing purposes and fill the bathtubs if we get enough warning about weather that may cause us to lose electricity ( and ergo water) I’m not too far from a river, so I often just go down there for a quick dip, although not in the very cold.

    I MUCH prefer losing power in the winter, though, because I am Bitcha Mae come to life when the air conditioning goes out in the summer.

    • Holy cats and crackers! Where on earth do you live? I love to look at rivers – can do it alllll day long – (in fact I have a bunch of photographs of bends in rivers from 35yrs ago onward)…..but I am not overfond of actually getting IN, as I have been chased OUT of rivers by snakes – THREE TIMES! Stupid snakes.

      And you KNOW I am Sooooo stealing ‘Bitcha Mae’! <3

      • I live in the wilds of Northern Arkansas, not far from the White River and even closer to one of its many tributaries, as well as a big ol’ lake. We have a pond and a good sized creek on our property, but since we also see the occasional cotton-mouth, I stay out of those! 😛

        I grew up along the Tallulah River in Rabun County GA ( go on ahead and queue up the Deliverance music) and have a deep love of water. Please post some of your pictures someday, I’d love to see them!

        • No Deliverance tune here, darlin’ – that sounds exquisite! Luckily I have never been in the same water as a cottonmouth – just a couple of corn snakes. But you know, water is gorgeous but it is not my natural element and I happily accept that, leaving natural bodies of waters to alligators, snakes, piranhas, GWS (like my shower-pal above)….I figure that’s why Floyd made swimming pools.

          xoxoxoA

  15. Funny funny story, but oh so true. Why, oh why, is it so many men just don’t seem to have any common sense!!!

  16. I’m sorry, but I laughed my a– off while reading your post. You had my complete sympathy the whole time, though. The animal photos were extremely well-placed. OMG, shivering through a pitcher bath sounds worse than terrible. I bought a new space heater for my bathroom this winter and, WOW!, it is the difference between comfort and frigid you-know-whats in the shower.

    • The cobra one, for some reason, is in the wrong place (It belongs to Mitsouko) but since I find it quite terrifying, it’s probably just as well – cobras just look……..cobra-y…don’t they? Yikes! The weirdest part of this whole thing is that El O KNOWS that a hot shower (morning/evening) is sometimes all that stands between me and mayhem. Especially this time of year. I wonder if he has an agenda………

      xoxoA

      • He has an agenda?….Like he wants to die and early and painful death??

        Perhaps in his man-brain he envisioned completing the entire job in 3 to 4 hours, tops . It’s true…the man-brain processes information differently ….for example man-brain always thinks it knows where it is and won’t ever ask for directions. Man-brain is also not able to see various team jerseys, tools, and other sundry items man may be looking for even when if they were any closer they’d bite man….in his face. Man-brain is a very mysterious phenomena. *no one understands it*

  17. Your pictures are hilarious. The story is too, but I can well imagine it was not so hilarious to live through. I used to have a boyfriend a bit like El O, in that I would ask him for a tiny bit of help with some minor issue on my computer and, professional that he was, he would respond by wanting to take the whole system apart and start all over again. Leaving me with no computer for days. How about some nice lemony cologne for the bedside table? Uplifting, calming, and disappears from the skin easily should you find yourself stuck in it with no washing facilities again!

    • What is it with these ‘pros’? So many of them just can’t ‘fix that thing’. I like the lemon idea. I like the idea of a hot shower with lemon soap! yum!

      xoxoA

  18. Good Lord! You know you can call me whenever you need to hide a body….plenty of swamps in Michigan, you know. El O is lucky to be alive, you’re lucky to not be in the county lock up, I’m lucky to not be baking a cake with a file in it. And you’ve had at least 3 nice hot showers by now , so it’s all good.

    My CEO is also very capable of fixing “stuff” —except he’s so low on patience that half way thru any job he’s cussin a blue streak that will burn the hairs offa ya. Two thirds of the way thru I threaten to stop being the assistant unless he knocks that crap off. ….Three quarters of the way thru I’m stomping up the stairs, down the stairs, or back into the house (whichever action is appropriate per project) . Seven-eighths the way thru he’s come to get his assistant back. Good thing the swamps around here are big enough for two. Anyhow– I’m actually thankful when things break when the CEO is NOT here….the trick is to get the professional over here, fix the offending piece of machinery, and get them out before the CEO can get home….It’s so much faster and easier. (and safer…. for everyone, trust me).

    • Angelflake! You stopped by! You offer burial assistance! I will definitely keep your number on speed-dial.
      About halfway through this, he forgot that this was All His Fault and he started getting hincty, acting like he was doing me a favor. Rather than snatch the life right out of him, I decided to go to bed. I think he was stunned to find that he had to finish pulling all the pipes, etc and get it allll cleaned up alllllll by his lonesome. But to awaken me – or even look at me whilst I was snoozing – would’ve been to court disaster!

      xoxoxoA

    • Howdy, Ruth (aka my Unspoken Angel)! So nice to see you here on the Posse — so tickled you stopped by!

        • Amen to that! (And now I have a clue as to why I don’t seem to get a whole lot done sometimes.) P.S. An envelope’s coming your way today.

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