Caution: Green. Jurassic Green. And A lot of cussin’ in this post. A lot.
Autumn. You guys. Autumn. Such a pain in the ass.
I mean, let’s take the humble green bean, shall we? I grow pole beans because I like the triple-duty-beauty of the vine (clean growing, pretty, and vertical space). And Ever. Damb. Season., I do the same damb thing – plant them – and promptly forget how green beans act. So, late April/early May I stick a bean in the ground, every 6-8″ and figure I’ll see them when I see them. At some point, they start to grow and I’m happy to see them – but I don’t give them a lot of thought. Because I am not even that crazy about green beans. I mean, I like them well enough – they’re a key component in this fabbo Nicoise-ish salad I used to get at the Allerton Hotel (poached chicken breast, green beans and a mustard vinaigrette over buttercrunch lettuce – what’s not to like, right?) – and the vines are pretty and green and charming. …..except…. Did I mention that I plant a bean EVERY 6-8″?
Do y’all know how many damb beans that is?
The funny part is, I also always forget when beans actually fruit. So, sometime in late June I am in despair, thinking I have dud green bean plants. ALL THAT FOLIAGE! and not one stinkin’ bean. In late June. Because …I dunno…I’m a bonehead? A beanhead? Who knows.
Anyway, this year was no different. ‘OMG! I haz NO green beans. They are duds. waaah!’ – and then, about a week later, I have blossoms. “OMG! I have all these blossoms (but no beans)! They’ll never fruit up in time!” ad freakin’ nauseum…. 40 years of gardening and I never get the green bean schedule quite right.
But the Green Beans? They Know. In short order? Boom! 3,457 green beans. All at once. And then? 3,457 more.
This year? They weren’t even the good green beans. Noooo. They were (gasp!) STRING Beans. How the hell did I end up planting STRING beans? Where did I even get them? All that stringing! And Floyd help you if you miss one – ew! So, after the first harvest of 300 or so beans, I kinda gave up and figured I would rip down the vines in all their dessicated glory, come November.
Yeah. No. A Sudden Freeze. And lemmetellya. Dessication? Not happening. Instead, I have 4,976 feet of unbelievably strong, cellular restructured vines, with flash-frozen, bleached beans (that The Girl is delighting in ripping off the vines and eating – yet another OMG – do you have ANY idea of how green bean dog farts smell? Especially 130# farts when that dog has eaten 3 lbs of frost-blasted beans? omg.) Those vines are so strong that when I fell into a depression and reached out to grab something to save myself – I grabbed a hanging green bean vine. And do you know that thing saved my fat butt? Realz. It never even blinked, just stood strong as I hauled myself back upright, I had to take loppers to cut those dawgs off the fence, since trying to rip them down simply resulted in me breaking a picket! Really? Green beans? Y’all hate me that much?
Three days of mean, cold, vicious vines. Three days of dog farts. Three days of hating the HELLZ outta me some green beans. I’m convinced that these beans mutated from whatever other horrors evolved in this kitchen garden – it’s time to tear the whole thing apart with a controlled burn, followed by a boiling water weed killer. Desperate measures. But take a look at it – it’s a mess!
I’m actually looking forward to starting anew with this kitchen garden – there’s been an invasion of foxtail, Floyd knows what those terrifying vines are on the sundial wall and I’m convinced there are snakes in that grass (which would be great, except if there are they are not eating the ground squirrels and, so, they’ve gotta go. If they’re there. But they’re probably not because ground squirrels are still there and ground squirrels are stupid – but they’re not that stupid.)
But first, The Green Beans. I have to kill everything with fire and boiling water so I can get back to my original loves – the Emerite pole bean. Sooo, sooo sweet and tasty and completely string-free! I harvested some beans from my last crop but…I dunno…some Jurassic Bean must’ve inserted its DNA. So. Fire. Boiling Water.
And next year: a whole new crop.
So. I’ve got another day of rippage and then I think I’m kind of ready for Stage 2. And you’re probably wondering ‘okay – that’s nice. But what does this have to do with perfume?’ well – while I was in the midst of it all I remembered that March said Les Nez The Unicorn Spell had a green bean note in it. So I checked the ‘L’ box (and the’U’ box for good measure) to no avail. Probably just as well because if I’d found it I’d probably have punched it in the face. Because I am SO over the smell of green beans. But! I was going to do a draw for it! Oh, well. I’ll do a draw of stuff from the ‘L’ box (and beyond) – how’s that? Hang tight, darlings – it’s almost over (the whole garden thing) for another year.
In the meantime – here are the winners from ‘See What had happened was’
gmail me (evilauntieanita) and I’ll get some fun out to you asap!