It’s me.  Daph.  Isn’t it delightful to be back here!    I spent the weekend pondering which two new colors to dye my hair, and whether I should buy another yacht, but mostly I yearned, positively yearned for my sweet darlings on the Posse.

We seem to have developed an unattractive case of the text glitches, but I’m sure there’s medication available for that.  We’re working on it.  Speaking of medication, naughty March was out rather late last night watching the Fourth of July fireworks in her neighborhood …. yes, it’s true.   They gain their independence and what then?  Why, they move their Independence Day fireworks to 29 June, that’s what they do!  Because it’s more convenient.  How deliciously …. American.

At any rate, March is now locked in her laundry room, sniffing her attars (sounds dirty when I say it, doesn’t it?) and resisting the temptation to duct-tape her children to the roof of a passing mail truck.  In the meantime, our lovely blogmistress Patty is once again unable (!) to access her own blog!   I’d love to hear from any of you around the country …. can you see me?  Hear me?   (You can’t touch me.  Sorry.)   I have … I think … 26 or 27 emails sitting here between Patty and the blog-fixers, teasing me with their silly little techno-speak.  CPU and cms and propagation and so forth.  I think I’ll go paint my nails and have the Bentley washed.  Hopefully we’ll have a post up tomorrow.  Until then …. cheers!

March

Hello, poppets!

Well, this blog host transitioning hasn’t gone quite as smoothly as one hoped.  On the upside, apparently I’m back to being able to upload images — that’s Daphne Guinness right there in all her streaky, feathered glory.

On the downside, our comments are still broken, and I don’t believe Patty, our blog admin, is able to log on.  Other than that, though, it’s perfect.

So the makeup post will have to wait, as I don’t like talking to myself, even though I do it all day long, particularly in the grocery store.  Stay tuned, darlings — be strong.  Keep the faith.  Think warm thoughts about commenting, and perhaps, one day soon, we can all get together and chat again…

PS You know what’s really weird?   Obviously someone, somewhere (in an alternate universe?) can comment, as a few showed up in Nava’s inbox — comments are emailed to us.  But you can’t see them on here.  Spoooooky.

March

As expected, Sniffapalooza in New York was a blast, even though the weather was craptastic (cold, blowy, rainy and inside-out-umbrella-ish) and I am still getting over a cold and sound all raspy.  Here’s a report of my personal highlights and helpful tidbits from Saturday -

For me, Bergdorf is the highlight of the day.  Those people really know their customer service, and the more time I spend shopping elsewhere, the more I admire their CS overall.  I spent a long time chatting with the wonderful Tom Crutchfield at Annick Goutal, I know some of y’all know him.  He’s full of great stories about Annick and working with the brand, and he really loves fragrance.  Anyhoo, he had literally unpacked his Mandragore Pourpre the day before the event, he was not expecting his shipment until November.  So they have it in, he can hook you up, they have the square and the round bottles.   So I soaked myself in it to see if I felt the same way as I did in my review, and … well, I do.   It’s a little darker and sweeter and missing the sharp-clawed top of the original.  But if that part gets on your nerves, hey – try this one.   I think my notes say $115 for 100ml.  I also wanted to tell you about the AG Noel room spray he’s got on preorder, he’s waiting for his shipment, it’s a seasonal LE thing.  No, it does not smell like potpourri or Christmassy – in fact, I can tell you what it smells like!  It smells exactly like the smell when you walk into a chiller at a high-end florist – sweet white flowers (think lilies, tuberose, freesia) with a little green and a slightly mentholated chill.  I thought it was lovely, I can’t wait to try that in a room.  I ordered one.  It’s $44 for 3.4 oz(!), and here’s Tom’s number – 212-872-2768.   Also btw he says he’s been told they’re going to stop shipping the Ambre Fetiche to the US due to poor sales, although that doesn’t pose much of a barrier to us determined folks in perfume-land.

The new Robert Piguet Futur is loads of fun as well, a retro-modern 60s scent that is green and woody, but still floral (ie not too green and woody for me).  The drydown on my card makes me think of something along the lines of Norell meets vintage Vent Vert, but softer.  This is a reintroduction and has been done (and I can only assume, reorchestrated) by Aurelien Guichard.  I’ve really liked most of the offerings of the line, and this is another worthy addition.  I’m bummed that I missed the sample handout of this one, my own fault, I’m going to try to get ahold of it and do a decent review.  Notes are bergamot, neroli “a green spring-like bouquet of violet and the sweet richness of jasmine and ylang,” vetiver, cedar and patchouli.  And, they had a bottle of the parfum, which smelled tremendous.

I spent a ton of time, as did everyone else, with the delightful, totally up-for-it Francis Kurkdjian, who … look, the dude did scented bubbles, you know he’s going to be fun, right?  So he was blowing those in the air over us and we were popping them, it was hilarious.  The hordes of crazed perfumistas did not faze him.  Now, the fragrances … there are seven, including two colognes, and I got to try them twice, Catherine and I snuck over there for a preview Friday night.  Here’s a link to FK’s interview with Sniffa, also Patty’s been reviewing them on here including yesterday.  I have samples, I’ll likely do a more comprehensive review when I’ve had time to reflect on them more, not surrounded by 150 other things.  They are interesting and worth smelling, they seem very unified as a line… oh, the bottles are cool, the caps are I think zinc?  They’re spotty-looking, so the bottles are spare and clean but also organic-looking.  Attractive.  So, there’s homme and femme for two EDP scents, to me the vibe of the line is a little herbal/aromatic.   My point being, these are not sweet, “perfume-y” scents.  I’m getting the feel that FK did exactly what he wanted, which is as it should be, no?  They’re all unisexy.  My two personal favorites?  Acqua Universalis, which was featured there as an EDT and apparently you can get it as a laundry detergent, how fabulous would that be?  I can’t even tell you why I thought it smelled so great (notes are bergamot, Sicilian lemon, lily of the valley, sweet orange and blond musky wood) but it did, and not like a conventional cologne.  My other favorite was Cologne Pour le Soir (notes of cashmere and leather) and OH MY GOD (insert moaning sounds here.)  It’s … it’s not uber-heavy.  Let me be clear here.  These are not, say, something with the weight of Caron.  They’re newer and cleaner smelling.   Having said that, ask Tom how long the group of us stood around and sniffed it on his wrist, I mean, it was a little embarrassing.  It’s a glove/book/belt leather, not some ol’ birchtar thang, but if you like a refined leather, hooboy.  THIS.  Tom said his boyfriend liked it!

Also there were the new Van Cleefs, which I didn’t pay as much attention to because they gave us a sample set and I know I can sniff them here.   I also sniffed the Boisé Torride at Guerlain and while I can’t exactly say that I gave it a huge chance, it didn’t make much of an impression one way or another, except to make me giggle at the name.  I guess I was hoping for, you know, more wood.  (Why oh why won’t someone do me a fragrance called Morning Wood? in French, of course – what is that, Bois de Matin?   I’d buy it.)  Oh, and they have the new Acqua di Parma Magnolia Nobile, and I thought it was awfully pretty (I could see a decant), but it doesn’t smell a ton like actual magnolia.

In the Someone Else’s Fault category – Edward Bess was there, he’s the sweet young guy with his own lipstick line and a couple other products (blush and eyeshadow?)  I want to call him cute as a button but it doesn’t sound very respectful and I have nothing but respect for the business acumen and drive that got him a counter in BG.  His lipsticks are lip-colored and very nicely done, nothing radical just good basic colors, I bought a lippie and a gloss.  I bet he can’t buy a drink in a bar without being carded.  I talked to him and his gals for quite some time about marketing and yadda yadda, he was loads of fun.  He tested and developed the colors on his mom and sisters, how sweet is that?

I skipped the Sniffa lunch so I could indulge my favorite thing, which is eating lunch in the BG café on the beauty level.  If you have not done that, you need to.  Seriously, tea sandwiches, deviled eggs and chopped salads the size of your head?  And strong coffee?  And great people-watching?  What’s not to love?  Also right this second BG is having a multi-floored show of Chanel vintage.  Check out the accessories in the Chanel boutique on 1, the vintage clothes in the store’s exterior display windows, and the dresses upstairs (floor 6, maybe?)

Takashimaya offered us cupcakes, mango tea, and Keiko Mecheri, who was there very helpfully explaining her scents and matching people up with new favorites.  They have the Ineke line, and I tried Field Notes from Paris, but need to sniff further, it made me think of L’Artisan Navigateur a little (coffee and spices.)  They still have the Fragonards but seem to have gotten rid of The Different Company.  I’m still mad at them, I confess, for moving their beauty floor down from the top floor, which I think worked better as a space.  The cool think about Tak is I see lines there I never see anywhere else, but their selection is so small now that I couldn’t get excited about anything new on this particular visit.

Bendel has jammed their entire fragrance department into one of those back alcoves, the one on the left.  No, seriously.  I wish you could have seen 120+ of us trying to wedge ourselves into a place that would probably feel claustrophobic once you had more than ten bodies.  So I only lingered in there long enough to hork down some black and white cookies alongside Chaya (yes, in case you are worried – between that and the cupcakes at Tak I did get my daily dose of sugar.)  I managed to sniff Etat Libre’s new Fat Electrician, which is mostly vetiver, and sure it smelled nice but I am not the queen of vetiver, so I can’t make some dazzling pronouncement about it.  I answered a friend’s question honestly while standing there – for as much as I liked a couple of the Etats when I reviewed them, somehow I never felt moved to pursue it further, I don’t wear samps or have decants of any of them.  Just not my thing somehow.

Then we were supposed to do a couple more things, but … did I mention how craptastic the weather was?  And I was getting sniffed out?  And so an anonymous partner-in-crime and I ducked into the ginormous theatre that is in the side of BG, directly across from The Plaza, and watched Coco Before Chanel, which – let me tell you – was a damn fine way to finish up a day of sniffing.  It’s probably a good thing that nobody was sitting right next to me, because I am sure I was wafting some pretty intense sillage at that point, including from a frag or two that are not new at all but that I’d somehow overlooked and now love, reviews to follow soonish.  A great time was had, if not by all, then certainly by me, even on a blustery day that feels more like February than October.

Oh, and PS — I got several compliments on my understated stormy blue-gray mani, for the two gals who asked me to put it in the post, it’s Barielle’s Slate of Affairs from the All Lacquered Up collection, I got mine from barielle.com

Anyone have any questions or comments, fire away!

March

For many of us, Saturday morning’s Chi-Cocoa Scentsation started off with some coffee and a mad dash to the nearest Walgreens for an umbrella, because the rain appeared to be setting up for a constant barrage for most of the day.   Patty and I got to the meeting place (Ethel’s Chocolate at 900 N. Michigan Ave. next to L’Artisan) pretty early to meet Anita/Musette, and I was already wondering how many people might take a gander at the rain and decide, sensibly enough, to stay home.  Fortunately fragrance people aren’t too worried about some rain, so we were delighted when most of the attendees had arrived by the 10 a.m. kickoff.  I couldn’t get anyone to stand still long enough to count, but I think our attendance was in the low 30s — not bad for a day with an agenda that involved walking from place to place in that super-soaker downpour!

Can we digress for a minute and discuss how incredibly stylish many Chicagoans are?  Of course, since they’re from Chicago and the surrounds, the first thing they do is modestly downplay their stylishness.  And come on, ladies.  We could have been lunching in some swank joint in D.C., only you all were much more stylish.  From the hipster gals to the foxylicious foursome of Vida, her mom Rima, her sister Elena and their friend Kristina, I am talking some nice threads.   In the words of Christian, our ladies were fierce.  Also in attendance were three actual males!  Anyway, here we go, and all you readers: feel free to correct/add to my report.

So: first stop, L’Artisan Parfumeur (left).  The lovely ladies there gave us a nice swag bag, and they had a drawing for goodies.  I think all of us had a great time sniffing and resniffing favorites from the line, and since that’s a stand-alone L’Artisan boutique they have gloriously oddball things like Oeillet Sauvage and Fleur de Carotte, both of which I think are “discontinued” but seem to be hanging around nicely.  We smelled the new Fleur de Liane, which is a light melon-y aquatic thing that reminds me of Hermes Mousson, with less of the stuff that summons the grim reaper.  My favorite finds: the Bottega Veneta candles and room sprays (Nos. 2 and 4 are extraordinary), their other room sprays, including the delightful Ile Bourbon, a vanilla/citrus/spicy nutmeg deal that had me moaning in ecstasy, and perhaps my favorite: L’Eau de Navigateur!!!  I had never even smelled this thing, and honestly, I thought it was GONE.  As in, GONE.  Am I nuts, or is this the one people lament about having been replaced by the (inferior) Navegar?  It’s listed as d/c’d on Basenotes, and is not at Lucky (which has many/most of them, including the LEs,) but here’s a grab from the Perfume Shoppe in Canada: “Created in the honor of the King’s adventurers and buccaneers, L’eau de Navigateur is a powerful marriage of exotic woods, resins, tobacco and rare flowers enhanced with the unusual note of coffee. A richly dark and smokey fragrance.”  I thought they told me at the shop it was done by our favorite homeboy Jean-Claude Ellena, but I can’t find independent confirmation of that anywhere, although it’s certainly been around long enough (1979) and he did some others for L’Artisan.  What I get: coffee and sweat.  Stunning.  I can’t stop thinking about it.  I’m gonna call our gals at 312-787-7788 and order some.  BTW they’re having a fragrance event on Sept. 26 from 7:30 – 9, with nibbles and champagne, call them for details.

Next up: Barneys (right).  Their fragrance area is so spread out, we fanned out and sampled it all.  Big draws in the store that I could see were the Malles and the Serge Lutens fragrances.  Many people were, I think, sampling parts of these lines for the first time and it was wonderful to see their reactions, particularly to things like Serge Noire and Chypre Rouge.  Therese still smells like cilantro to me, but I am amused to discover I am developing some tolerance for the heavily spiced SLs like Arabie and Douce Amere.  It was fun sniffing the CdGs as well, and I think Luxe Patchouli was a big hit there, as well as their weirdo scents like 2, 3 and the Guerillas.

Then we staggered up the street to Hermes in the downpour, only some of us stopped first at Sarah’s for their incredible black-and-white cupcakes, a little treat in all that rain.  I was sitting at a table (ahem) polishing off my second b&w when suddenly Anita and the first part of the group were back.  Apparently when the 12 of them arrived at Hermes, a sales person approached them and said they didn’t have authorization to be there as a group and asked them to leave (!) and that they should have contacted the store first.  Anita pointed out that she had contacted the store, I think via 3 emails and 2 phone calls, none of which were returned.  Well then, the harridan psycho employee said, and I wrote this down so I could quote it correctly, the store must have “declined the event.”  Like you need a special pass to enter the hallowed halls of Hermes.  Or a fricking secret handshake. I mean, God forbid they get a bunch of perfume nuts in there on a day when it was raining so hard there were almost no other shoppers out.  I knew they could be heinous beeches but that really takes the cake.  I wasn’t there to witness, but Musette gave her some what-for in the ensuing smackdown, and btw I wouldn’t pick a fight with Musette, if I were you.

Next we did a quick run by the fancy Chanel boutique, where they treated us as if we were human (!) and I know two or three bottles from Les Exclusifs left with our party – paid for, not stolen.  They did ask us very nicely not to take photos in the store.  Maybe the folks at Hermes could call them up for some tips on customer service.   At that point it was pouring so spectacularly we hung out in the lobby for awhile, but it wasn’t really going to get much better, so we jumped out running and laughing and screaming and hustled up to foodlife in Water Tower Place for some hot food and a welcome sit-down.  How big is their famous chocolate cake?  Our table of six split a piece.

In Bigelow I was flagging just a bit, thinking, yeah, this is nice, but what I really want is a cup of coffee — and voila! — they appeared with a giant tray of cups of coffee!!  Bigelow as I think most of you know is a big apothecary-style store, so while some folks stuck to the perfumes (Floris, Carthusia, Keiko Mecheri, etc.) others of us wandered off looking for foundations, sunscreen, etc.  Let me put a plug in here for the Lipstick Queen line.  It turned out there are several hardcore Lipstick Queen fans in the group, and their lipstick is awesome with no aftertaste (a lipstick pet peeve — for instance, Bobbi Brown and NARS have that waxy flavor, and some folks hate the perfumed taste of Lancome, although it doesn’t bother me.)  Anyhoo, Lipstick Queen is the Poppy King stuff, and they come in two lines: Saints (sheer) and Sinners (matte opaque).  They are lovely.  I am now going to make an Allure-worthy pronouncement: the color Saint Natural is one of those universally flattering tones.  It turned out three people in our group were wearing it that day.  It’s the proverbial bite-your-lips pinky beige that is a little sexy rather than boring and seems to brighten everyone’s complexion.  The Sinners have 90% pigment and wear like iron.  Great stuff.

From there it was Neiman-Marcus, where they gave us an energizing drink and another great gift drawing and showed us the Creeds, and I … failed to take any notes!   Oh, wait, here they are.  The new Annick Goutal Musc Nomade … heh heh.  That’ll peel the paint off your barn.  It’s a skankfest, much more so than I was expecting.  Gives MKK and CB Musk a run for their money.  I sniffed the new Ferragamo Tuscan Soul, which smells pretty much like Light Blue, and something is wrong with that picture!  (Isn’t that the one Chandler Burr wrote about in reference to fragrances being designed/released for the Asian market?)  It was also a reminder of how gorgeous Chanel No. 5 Eau Premiere is — now that it’s being released more widely, I run into it more.  It’s warm where the original is cold, and I find myself wanting a bottle.  I am pretty sure they had the Hermes line including Mousson, which seemed appropriate for the weather, although I am so grateful nobody sprayed it anywhere near me.

On to Saks, where people spent some time with the Bonds, including the new Lexington Ave, and I trolled furiously looking for someone in our group to buy what might have been the last bottle of Jo Malone Dark Amber & Ginger Lily in U.S. stores, and Catherine humored me and did so.  By the way it layers beautifully with JM Black Vetyver Cafe. In the meantime, Patty picked up the gorgeous new Chanel Eyeshadow Quad which I think is exclusive to Saks, all lovely shades of gold, definitely worth checking out if you are one of their makeup fans, she blogged on this yesterday.

We finished up at Nordstrom, which has a huge range of fragrance from the Amouages to D’Orsay and lots of other things you don’t see too often.  Can fragrance make you cry?  One of our group, Rima, Vida’s mom, was so overjoyed with the Nordstrom exclusive Herve Leger that she wept — wept — tears of joy!  I get all verklempt thinking about it.  (That’s her up there carrying her shoes, it was so ridiculously wet outside.)  We were so happy for her fragrance epiphany.  It’s wonderful watching someone fall in love.  Nordstrom served some Mexican hot chocolate (they know a caffeinated customer is a happy customer.)  That Nordstrom is amazing, so we might have also spent some time in their outstanding shoe dept., and someone might have bought a new watch.  Maybe.

Then came the afterparty at Outsider downtown, and I still can’t figure out how Anita squeezed that amazing spread out of our meager $20 registration fee.  Neil Morris fragrances were available for sniffage, Liz Zorn came from Cincinnati to present her line and chat, and we all attacked the Miracle Brownies that Anita made for dessert, which somehow kept reappearing on the platter now matter how many we ate.   After I’d had a few glasses of wine, Vida’s sister Elena scared the crap out of me (see photo above) by reappearing in a power suit with her hair up and a pair of big, rectangular, blingy glasses as Sarah Palin.  She “introduced” herself, shook all our hands and reported in a chirpy voice that she could see Russia from her house.  Tina Fey, watch your back.

Patty and I rolled into our hotel room around 10 p.m., more than 12 hours after our perfume day had started.  We both said to each other (and to Anita, Shelley and Erin the next day) how nice it was to really get a chance to chat with so many people, the advantage of a relatively small group.  You can’t find nicer people than perfume people.  Thanks to all of you who made it such a wonderful day.

PS Thanks to Vida and Anita for these photos; soon we’ll upload Patty has uploaded other photos on the photoblog in the left-hand column.

March

Before I forget –August 30 is the cutoff date for registering online for the Chi-Cocoa Scentsation. I think we have 35ish people!!! It’s gonna be fun. I think we’re getting a bunch of swag from the stores, plus our bottle swap, plus the afterparty… I can’t wait to meet some of you.

Also, Vogue in September has an interesting article about having a passion for stinky foods (durian, ripe cheeses, fermented fish), which you might want to check out from the skanky smell perspective, and Denyse has done another great post on stink.

* * *

Today we feature most of the PR blitz for Guerlain´s new LE at Bergdorf, Les Elixirs Charnels. My comments are at the end. Put your seatbelt on, and here we go. It’s LONG. Try to speed-read it without missing the, uh, flavor.

“Which woman are you tonight?

Guerlain has always celebrated femininity in the most audacious ways. Now, with a new collection of three deliciously deviant Eaux de Parfum, the perfumer breaks the rules and fires the imagination once again.

LES ELIXIRS CHARNELS, created by Christine Nagel and Sylvaine Delacourte, evoke the desires of a woman who loves to play with different personalities, the better to surprise and to seduce.

* THE SULTRY ORIENTAL OF A CREATURE OF SIZZLING SENSUALITY. * A MISCHIEVOUS GOURMET FRAGRANCE FOR A CHILDLIKE WOMAN. * THE CAPTIVATING CHYPRE OF THE FEMME FATALE.

“A creature of Sizzlin (sic) Sensuality” – ORIENTAL BRà›LANT

“I just love it. I love it when I become that unpredictable and compelling creature, sure of myself, and sure too that he will instantly satisfy my every whim. No words are needed, one sign says it all. That´s how it begins.

I hold his gaze in mine, stroke his cheek with the back of my hand, then slowly slide it down his neck. He is hypnotized, transfixed. He knows he is in my power, follows meekly wherever I lead. I put my hand to my throat to give him a little of my essence, then I start again. Capturing the ELIXIR CHARNEL, my skin becomes the scented seal of my call to love.

This silent prelude already simmers with a sensuality that is instantly perceptible in my fragrance. An oriental, naturally, vibrant as an embrace. Full and warm, it is irresistibly addictive with vanilla and tonka bean. At the same time, storax imparts an intensely animal quality, creating an aura as seductive as my feline form stretched out on the bed. Throughout the composition, contrasts and surprises fuse voluptuously, while – thanks to a touch of white almond – the Elixir also has the softness of my palm when I decide suddenly to come over all tender with him.

If my fragrance had a colour, it would be the colour of the blood that rushes to your cheeks and throbs in your temples. A deep, dark red, the symbol of an intense desire and a passion of which you can never have enough.

“A Femme Fatale” – CHYPRE FATAL

He has been watching me sleep for a long time. I can sense it. He has had my body, but not the most secret part of me, my ELIXIR CHARNEL. The two of us are but one: the visible and the invisible, the tangible and the intangible, the deceptively innocent milky white of my skin on which I unveil my fragrance. The scent of an extremely elegant and innately rebellious woman, if you believe what people say about me. An icon of absolute seduction, like those legendary creatures who will forever inhabit the collective imagination.

As he contemplates my curves in the moonlight, he breathes in the Elixir that I have left on my shirt. He loves to feel it change, from one minute to the next, as he bends over me. It is a fruity chypre with an intense aura, composed silently to announce my presence and to impress my image on the memories of others. Around a hieratic rose to which patchouli brings its spicy, woody overtones, vanilla and white peach sensually soften the harmony.

I always open my collar to put more fragrance on my décolletage. Playing with the appearance of a strict suit, I can thus arouse passion with the mere glimpse of a curve unconstrained by the artifice of lace. That is what people prosaically call “the fire beneath the ice” of Hitchcock heroines. Fascinating women who are never completely won.

In a few hours from now, I will leave without a word. As always, he will watch me put more ELIXIR CHARNEL on the scented cotton, and he will not try to make me stay. He knows there´s no point. Will I be back? Maybe. Or maybe not.

“A Charming Childlike Woman” – GOURMAND COQUIN

The moment I like best? When I tie my scarf around my neck before going to meet him. I let the silk become suffused with ELIXIR CHARNEL, the essence of a deliciously mischievous woman.

He cannot resist my childlike charms. Especially when I snuggle up to him like a kitten before sliding between the sheets for a not so restful siesta.

It´s time to play my favourite game, the one where I blindfold him and drop onto his skin a sprinkling of black peppercorns and a trickle of chocolate. Those are two of the notes of my fragrance – a sexy and very feminine gourmet composition. A dash of rum, and the spice and cocoa bean become quite intoxicating.There´s also a rose harmony with voluptuous overtones of vanilla.

He knows my smell, but he always forgets the names of the ingredients. That makes me laugh, but of course I never tell him, so his senses can discover them through these tantalizing olfactory riddles.

I curl up beside him once again, and this time I tie the scarf around his wrist to show that he belongs to me.

We drift off vaguely into sleep, but I know he is keeping one eye open. And quite right he is too! After all, I might awake at any time, ready to tempt him with new discoveries.”

* * *

Did you make it through? Wow, huh? So, let´s all towel off and grab ourselves something restorative to drink, and discuss.

1) Who did they write this for, and why? I mean, bless them, are the folks at the Guerlain counter supposed to pass this on to the consumers? Or is stuff like this written to keep the owners´ relatives employed while driving me slowly insane?

2) And charnel is the French word for carnal, fine, but I had to look that up. Does that make me dimwitted, or did you figure that out on your own? If you didn´t, did the word instead conjure up (as it did for me) a charnel house, i.e., a place of death, and/or where they keep the bones? Does that bother anyone besides me, or am I shamefully Anglocentric in my thinking?

3) Two of the three of these are gourmand, and twenty bucks says they smell pretty much like the last few gourmandy releases from Guerlain. Let´s dump them all in a vat and call them Plus Que La Pluie Ganache. Another ten bucks says the “intensely animal quality” in Oriental Brulant will be mostly undetectable to the human nose, because that would funk up the scented seal of the call to love of which you can never have enough.

4) Sizzlin sensuality aside, it is hard to pick the most startling lines from this. I think “the softness of my palm when I decide suddenly to come over all tender with him” sounds deliciously porny. “He has been watching me sleep for a long time. I can sense it. He has had my body, but not the most secret part of me, my ELIXIR CHARNEL…” sounds simultaneously creepily stalker-ish, vaguely obscene and kind of hilariously wack. On the third hand, there´s the Charming Childlike Woman, whose favorite games involve blindfolds, pepper and chocolate – as opposed to Boggle or Old Maid, I guess. “He cannot resist my childlike charms. Especially when I snuggle up to him like a kitten before sliding between the sheets for a not so restful siesta.”

5) For anyone who is now getting irritated, thinking I´m smirking about the as-translated-from-the-French quality – I am not. It´s the whole over-the-top fever dream aspect that astounds me. How do you say I need some hip waders and a bigger shovel in French?

6) HIERATIC? Oh, for Pete´s sake. What, it had better flow than sacerdotal? They couldn’t work in gnosis? Or chthonic? Or maybe they were meaning it in the Egyptian sense, I don’t know.

Which woman am I tonight? I am the woman who finds all this a bit befuddling. I think: 180 years of perfumery and we have come to this? Multiple pages of white noise, just so much soft perfume porn that feels like it would smell if it were written on dryer sheets? I am the Guerlain house whore – and yet, I am bored with these games of chocolate and blindfolds. Will I be back? As they say in the ad for Chypre Fatal … maybe. Maybe not.

UPDATE:  Thanks to Kristy for extracting the bottle photo from my pdf file so I could load it in here!

March