Fruity Floral No. 7,489: A Tragomedy in 3 Acts

Every now and then I have these, um, “scenarios” that run in my head. No, it’s not my imaginary friends again or the Lancer boys, but I just think through how a series of conversations must go, which gives me no end of amusement and hilarity most of the time.  You all also need a break from the Tom Fords.  My last comment on them.  Some I liked, some I loved, some I hated, some I went meh on, but the one thing I truly enjoyed about all of them… no generic fruity florals.  Each was different, had its own style and concept, even though I think Tom “borrowed” some ideas from other great perfumes.

With that said, indulge me while I play-act out one of my favorites head-scenes.

Act 1

Setting: Voracia Tatas has become the new “It” girl in Hollywood — she made one mildly successful and horribly scripted, directed and acted movie; dresses in  the latest designer fashions given to her for free; has starved her body to within an inch of her life; has one of those oversized bobble heads most models/actors have; has a similarly oversized, ample, plasticky bosom; and has only exposed her vajayjay once accidentally when getting into her Lexus after a night of drunken debauchery and too many visits to the bathroom at Les Deux.  Movie offers are thin now because she really can’t act, but she’s still at all the best parties and nightclubs 8 days of the week and has been seen leaving nightclubs with the hottest B-list studs — all of which is documented every week in People, Us, Life & Style, OK, etc.

DicK Nosmell, VP of New Products and Marketing for Perfumes ‘r Us  has to come up with 100 new perfumes launches every year since the 50 they launched in the last six months ago stop selling after people smell them — new ones must take their place.  He is an avid follower of Voracia Tatas and has identified her as the next pseudo-celebrity they should sign to launch a fragrance.  He’s had his girl call Voracia’s agent, Fifteen Persente, and they have scheduled a meeting to discuss terms, what each wants and hopefully to seal the deal.  The following takes place in DicK’s office.

DicK:  So, listen, this is what we have in mind. Voracia, you are a fashion icon, are at all the best clubs, have all the best studs at your beck and call, and we believe that you are the next J.Lo/Britney/Paris/Hohan.  You are It, and there are millions of teenagers and young women that want to smell like you — in three words… you are hot, Hot, HOT!!!

Voracia:  (preens) Oh, koolz!  I wear Infant perfume —  I can just sell that?

Fifteen: No, Voracia.  They want to make a perfume with your name on it.

Voracia:  (squeals and claps hands)  That is sooooo awesome, I have always and ever wanted my name on a bottle of Infant.  I rulz!

DicK:  No, no, we need to make a brand new perfume – not Infant – to put your name on, although…. no, no, we have to make a new perfume.  What we need to do is capture your essence in a bottle, and we’ll all be rich!

Voracia:  (tries to knit over-botoxed brows together and purse lips that have been puffed to 3x their normal size… only succeeds in looking more vacant and… yeah, sick) My essence?  Does this involve bodily fluids? My doctor said I need to avoid that sort of contact for the next  ten — no –  (counts on fingers) –  eight days.

DicK:  Not literally, Voracia. We just need to capture the sense of who you are — glamorous, beautiful, hot… it! — and put it in a bottle. We’ll hire a perfumer from Irrational Fruity Florals, who is an expert, and he’ll sit down with you and let you smell some notes, find out what you like, and you will wind up creating something that fits you perfectly.

(Voracia stares off vacantly at a spider in the corner)

Fifteen:  How much?  We want an upfront fee and residuals on sales.

DicK:  Absolutely. We’d rather not pay as much upfront because most of the money will be made years from now as the perfume becomes a highly sought after classic. The sales of this masterpiece of perfumery should provide for Voracia’s grandchildren’s future. (Dick smiles slyly as he turns his head)

Fifteen:  (puts on best “killer” face on as he realizes the game)  No, that’s not how it’s going to work.  We want most of it up front and smaller residuals.  That’s the deal, take it or leave it.

DicK:  (looking confident, he knows he has won).  Okay, leave it.  We have 50 other celebrities that are lined up wanting their own perfume.  The deal is the deal, no negotiating.  (slides paper across the table)  That’s the up front and the residuals.

Fifteen and Voracia look at the paper, whisper furiously back and forth for ten seconds, until Voracia loses interest and resumes staring into space.  Fifteen looks at her, shakes head and surrenders…

Fifteen:  Okay, fine, we’ll take it.  When do we start?

DicK: I’ll have my girl set up a meeting with a perfume from Irrational Fruity Florals next week. You’ll be hearing from me.

Stay tuned for Act II, where Voracia, Fifteen and DicK meet with Nawt Agin, the perfumer from Irrational Fruity Florals that has been selected for this “prestigous” project.

____________________________________________________________________

You get to be DicK and pick your celebrity to make a perfume with.  Which celebrity, dead or alive, would you most like to smell a perfume they helped create, and which celebrity would you least like to smell a perfume they helped create?  Bonus points for saying what it would smell like.  

  • CH says:

    How about a Hugh Laurie (House) scent?

    Teakwood, oakmoss, absinthe and lavender – for Hugh

    Vicodin, beer, iodine, and unwashed t-shirts – for the character

  • HopeB says:

    I second the Nick & Nora idea, and suggest that it have notes of vodka, pomegranate, orchids, leather, civet & smoke.

    Also, I’d love to see Audrey Tautou create a perfume, I think it would be ethereal and glamourous. I can imagine something like La Chasse Aux Papillons.

    As to least, I think Patricia Heaton or Leah Rimini. I loathe them both–anything they did would be screechy, obnoxious and self-serving!

    • Patty says:

      Oh, I like your N&N too!!!

      Hey, speaking of Leah Rimini, how about a Scientology perfume? Oh, wait, I should put that in my little Play!

      • Kelly says:

        Oh! A Scientology scent practically writes itself – my mind races! You’ve just GOTTA!

  • benvenuta says:

    This is hilarious! Can`t wait for the next part.

    Most of my favorite celebrities would disappoint me if they actually produced a commercial perfume, so I`d like to try their scent only if it was made privately for them by some good nose.

    Most: Lou Reed and something by Annick Menardo (in the vein of Black and Dzing, but more masculine)

    Least: Paris Hilton. I cannot think of a celebrity more repulsive. Can you?

    • Melanie says:

      She pretty much wins the prize for repulsiveness, but it’s a close race–I find most contemporary “celebrities” repulsive to one degree or another. I still admire those like the classic film stars-most of them didn’t take themselves so seriously as to think that the public was waiting with bated breath to hear their “profound” views on weighty matters. They were pure image and glamor as far as their public image went, and they did it better because of that (IMHO). I might even find a perfume named for one of them–say, Clara Bow, Greta Garbo, or Hedy Lamarr-acceptable, because it would be more a tribute, instead of another way to feed their egos. As long as it was done with very high standards, and a lot of discretion (no mass-marketed uniquely ugly bottle, and perhaps the scent formula created by a master “nose” who was friends with the person and would know how to truly honor them).

      BTW, I wonder what perfume Gloria Swanson really did wear? I’ve read that Mary Pickford wore Patou’s Joy.

      • Patty says:

        I’ve got a bottle of Deneuve coming because people say it is so well done, and, of course, discontinued. That’s a celebrity with class. About the only young modern “celebrity” that I think is doing pretty well is Jennifer Garner. She tries to keep her private life fairly private, seems to appreciate her fans, but has a normal air about her. Maybe she just cultivates that image, but if it’s fake, she does a great fake.

    • Patty says:

      Yes. Celebrity more repulsive is Lindsey Hohan. She’s surpassed Britney, who I secretely pull for, in the pantheon of infante terribles who think the fact that they made a couple of good movies that paid them well that somehow this makes them admired or respected or someone anyone would want to emulate.

      Undeserved celebrity is epidemic and tragic.

      • Melanie says:

        That’s exactly true, undeserved epidemic celebrity. And Tara Reid probably gives Hilton and Hohan a run for the money in the repulsiveness department.

  • Gina says:

    Most like to make a frag for men – Daniel Craig. Loved him in Layer Cake. It would smell like vetiver, incense, cedar, a little sweat, and leather.

    Least – One of the “Girls Next Door”, those Playboy bunny girls, Hugh’s gfriends. To me, they might smell like sugary sweet fruits and cigarettes.

    I love this post, and all who commented, too! I’m tired, so I’m feeling less creative, but I had to jump in.

    • Patty says:

      Have you noticed most of us pick guys? And we all want them to smell salty sweaty? We’re such girls! 🙂

      • Gina says:

        Ha, that’s true. But if have to name the little something that sort of drives me wild about my boyfriend, it’s that little tang o’ salty sweat man-smell. I wish I could bottle that.

  • tmp00 says:

    Now that I have a sec:

    Gloria Swanson: opens with heady white flowers but then gets surpisingly green. A chypre of course, with a hint of civet. Absolutely nothing sweet, since Ms. Swanson believed refined sugar was poison.

    Least? Tara Reid. Imagine Secretions Magnifique with tequila, cocaine, cotton candy, silicone and vomit. 8-x

    • Patty says:

      Great descriptions!

      NOw, is it the 5th grader in me that really would like to smell a Tara Reid concoction?

      paris Hilton will need to do a new perfume after she gets out of jail.

  • parrotmommy says:

    Celebrity I would most like to make a fragrance with is Hugh Jackman. It would smell a little like sweat, scotch whiskey,
    hot male animal, vetiver and cedar maybe. And whatever he likes. He’s made a few bad movies lately, but there is a man!
    Least liked celebrity for making fragrance is any Osmond. Nuff said.

    • Patty says:

      Did you see his latest one, The Prestige, with Christian Bale? Lord, eye candy on overlord in that one. Great movie, great ending, loved it. But it could have been Hugh and Christian just sitting on a log all movie, too, and I would have felt the same way. 🙂

  • violetnoir says:

    My darling, you have a very fertile imagination. I look forward to reading Part Deux. 😉

    Hugs and love!

    • Patty says:

      I’ve got most of Part II written in my head, and it just causes me no end of giggles. I’m always afraid that I find myself funnier than other people do. 🙂

      xoxox

  • Melanie says:

    Except Alice Keppel, the last mistress of Edward VII–I read in biography of him (my favorite royalty), that she always had a natural smell of fresh green sap. I’ve always found that quite intriguing and evocative. She would have a scent(no name, it would be private stock) of green apple,a tiny bit of violet, the tiniest hint of civet.

  • Melanie says:

    Some of the guys from “Deadliest Catch”–I’m thinking Captain Phil especially–tangy, salty notes, a bit of a masculine musk, a smidgen of rugosa rose(because Phil is too secure as a man to not enjoy a natural floral scent 🙂 ), a bit of a smokey note for his Harley biker side, and a soupcon of sweet crab,LOL.

    John Wayne—well-worn leather, a hint of tobacco, vetiver, something to “dry” the scent(thinking dry dusty scrublands), a hint of spice, a smidge of Malmaison carnation or gardenia (because as a young man he could wear a tux with the best of them). This scent would also work well for Ronald Reagan.

    Female celebrity–nothing–I can’t see many of the women I most admire allowing their names to be slapped on a perfume. Most of them would already be quite attached to a vintage classic or a little-known vintage fragrance.

    • Patty says:

      Maybe some sage for Mr. “Round ’em up” Wayne?

      Maggie Thatcher should have a sent. I’m not sure what it should smell like, but it would make me sit up straighter.

      • Melanie says:

        I can’t believe I didn’t think of sage, it’s practically the emblematic plant of classic Westerns. [email protected] Mrs Thatcher making you sit up straight–I think I would too–not that that’s a bad thing–so many of the ladies of her generation have excellent posture. Regarding her scent–she’s too vital for lavender–but she’s quite too feminine for anything too fresh or astringent–hmmm-her principles aren’t especially modern(a plus for me), but her mind is thoroughly modern and sharp as a tack–something complex and modern, but not screaming “cutting edge”–what notes would fit that?

        • Patty says:

          I think salt and grapefruit, she needs some zest. Under it, some vetiver and a really strong flower, no jasmine. Definitely ambergris

  • Kelly says:

    This is HILARIOUS!

    Gosh yes, Sean Connery. That warm, manly smell that you’d get right at the skin at his collar – leather, whiskey, and salty musk. All sex and strength and that edible Scottish accent… c’mon, don’t you just want taste the words as they leave his lips?

    SNAP OUT OF IT, KELLY!

    Uh… least? Gary Busey. 1 note. Vomit.

    BTW, thanks Patty, I’m a happy, happy girl! :d

    • Patty says:

      *wiping drool from Kelly’s chin*

      You know, the only movie I liked Gary Busey in was “A Star is Born.” I’m not even sure I liked him, but he played his part.

      Enjoy! You should smell absolutely wonderful now!

  • Maria B. says:

    Very funny writing, Patty! I see you on the writing team for a Mel Brooks movie.

    Okay, the person that popped into my mind for someone with a good perfume was Keanu Reeves. The reason for this is probably that during our brief trip to LA a week ago, my DH kept playing “spot the star” with humorous intent. We did see someone who resembled Keanu Reeves, but wasn’t. Here’s what would be in Keanu’s fragrance: bananas evolving swiftly into gasoline and then mercifully disappering (*Speed*), frangipani (his father is Hawaiian), incense and ladanum (*Little Buddha*), and cedar (he was born in Lebanon probably by accident).

    There are many candidates for celebrities whose scents I would like to avoid. For example, Jacques Chirac will soon be unemployed and will have time on his hands. He would probably go to Puddy Tat, which would create a flanker: Secretions Presidentielles. (Please mentally add acute accents.)

    Another avoidable celebrity would be American Idol wannabe Antonella Barba. I couldn’t take the acidity.

    • Patty says:

      You are just awful. 🙂 Okay, okay, we can smell like Keanu, I sorta like the sounds of that one.

      now, I also keep thinking I want a Brad Pitt scent, but it has to be from his Legends of the Fall days… musk, leather, tobacco and hay. Your basic hot naked guy in a barn smell.

      • Maria B. says:

        Oh, you can have Brad’s smell! 😮 Funny you should mention him in your response to me. When he appears on the screen, I frequently mention to my husband how bad Brad must smell. He usually looks so dirty, especially in *12 Monkeys* (a film I like a lot) and the one he did with David Duchovny and Juliet(te?) Lewis (which I didn’t like). Ewwww! But probably in *Legends of the Fall* he was cleaner.
        :d

        • Patty says:

          Kalifornia, wasn’t it? That’s one I didn’t watch, but I’m with you on 12 Monkeys, that was just a hoot, and he probably did his best work in that, though I really loved him in that one with Julia what’s her face, Pretty Woman Julia — Roberts, The Mexican or something like that? That movie is hysterical and has one of the best lines about love in it.

          I think Angelina likes ’em dirty. Exhibit 1 — Billy Bob Thornton.

  • Teri says:

    Believe it or not, the first notable that came into my head was the Pope. And why not, after all? Shouldn’t the Pope smell good, too?

    Let’s give him a scent with plenty of incense, of course, and a bit of the smell of ancient churches and funerary crypts, tempered by angelica for his beatific moments.

    And who would be my last choice? Rosie O’Donnell, no contest. Any scent for Rosie would be loud and overbearing with stridently clashing notes and enough sillage to take us into next week. and it’s title? Why, “Scrubber” of course! 😉

  • AngelaS says:

    So fun! Great post. And I love all this talk about Sean Connery early in the morning, it doubles the effect of my cup of coffee.

    How about having a scent based on a couple: Myrna Loy and William Powell, aka Nick and Nora? It could smell like gin martinis, tuberose, and gun metal.

    • Maria B. says:

      Oh, yes on a Nick and Nora fragrance! It would have to be a chypre, but a fun and effervescent one. It would not be a fruity chypre like Yvresse. No fruit in Nick and Nora’s!

    • Patty says:

      That would be perfection. I totally want a gunmetal scent, and these two could work that. Or Humphrey Bogart, he’d have a tobacco, vetiver and gunmetal scent.

  • IrisLA says:

    I would love to smell a fragrance by Sayid of “Lost.” Brooding on a troubled past (oakmoss), intensity (animalic musk), and passion (exotic spices & oud).

    Least – anything by a contestant on “The Bachelor.” Bound to be overly sweet and attention-grabbing in an obvious way.

  • Jayne says:

    Hmmm,

    One to reflect the true essence of skinny celeb – eau de bulimia

    George Bush and his posse – a spicy mixture of old dollar bills, oil, blood and high explosives

    Tony Blair – the scent of toadying and imminent dismissal.

    For Aung San Suu Kyi of Myanmar, a combination of frangipani, waterlily, temple incense, courage, freedom and the love of her people

  • Silvia/Funkly says:

    Another fun, playful Friday post, happy days !
    Loved to read all the replies.
    An interesting one to smell would be Cate Blanchett. It would smell of iris, laced with incense, silvery but not cold. Old fashioned and cutting edge at the same time.
    A horrible one would be Heather Mills: very astringent and green on the opening, with a heart of rancid buttery gardenia and a huge sillage: the smell of self-centeredness.
    :d

    • Patty says:

      I love Fridays!

      Wow, I want that perfume. See, I think she should wear Iris Silver Mist. Maybe I should write her and tell her. 🙂

      Heather Mills…. oh, I’m so glad she’s off my tv and I don’t have to think about her anymore.

      I’ve tried to figure out what perfume Britney *should* wear, and I keep coming up with Mona’s Nuit Noire. Tinkly on the top, but dirty, dirty once you get next to it.

  • pitbull friend says:

    Patty, what a great game! Solander, I can’t believe anyone is going to top your phrase “the metallic tang of madness and seclusion.” That should actually have been the title of a book by Hunter S. Thompson… but I digress.

    For reasons unknown to me, the first celeb who came to mind was Darryl Hannah, she of “Splash” and JFK, Jr. girlfriend fame. Salty seaweed, cold smoothness for long blond hair, sunwarmed plums, herb tea notes like hibiscus & rose hips.

    And also, I’d want to evoke Meryl Streep — a modern classic. Sexy in a practical sort of way. Cinnamon and cilantro — warm but refreshing? Redcurrants and Rome apples? Not floral. I don’t see her as floral, except in “Sophie’s Choice,” where she was some sort of anguished rose. –Ellen

    • Patty says:

      Yeah. I mean, that’s a phrase I’d have to work 30 years to come up with something as good. Sheesh! 🙂

      God, a salty perfume, I’m all over that. I snagged that new Miller Harris that’s out on pre-release at Sak’s because it has Sel in the name, Fleurs de Sel, I think. I mean, how can you go wrong if you throw salt in your perfume or your drink? 8-|

  • Abigail says:

    I LOVE this post! The names especially made me giggle. I should dig out some Discworld or some other fun fare….

    I would love to smell (not a Romance!) author’s scent, does that count as a celebrity?

    Well, since no one had picked a lady yet, maybe Sigourney Weaver. I think it would smell like a misty jungle, for her interest in enviromentalism.

    The LEAST want to smell is…Paris. Sadly, I have a sample sitting on my dresser. I’ll probably give in during a moment of weakness, but until then I’ll try to avoid it…

    • Patty says:

      I think Pratchett could write a great book with this premise. My husband is a HUGE fan. I hate it when he’s reacing Diskworld books, all I hear are chuckles and guffaws, and that’s so damn annoying.

      Yup, authors are celebrities. If I were to pick an author, I think I’d pick either Rumer Godden, Flannery O’Connor or Jane Austen. Jane’s would have violets in it, but a spine of steel. Flannery’s would be austere and direct and full of tears. Rumer would have something reverent, defintely incensey.

  • Elle says:

    Great post! 🙂 I think I’d have to pick Hugh Laurie. It would be something betw/ a CdG scent and one by CB. Cumming was lovely, but not quite as edgy as I’d hoped or expected. This would be the scent I’d expected Cumming to be.

    • Louise says:

      Oh lord, Hugh! Sexy/quirky. I can’t concentrate now…

    • Patty says:

      Yes on Hugh Laurie, he is hot!

    • Maria B. says:

      Now let’s not confuse Hugh Laurie with Greg House, though he does play the piano and ride motorcycles like House. I think in real life he’s considerably less edgy. But what do I know? Haven’t met the man. 🙂

  • Judith says:

    Robert Mitchum–tobacco, booze, bit o’ leather and wood. I think it’s interesting that we are all taking men. 🙂 C. Walken would be cool, too.

    • Judith says:

      On the Robert M–it would, of course, have that indefinable note, “cool sense of humor,” running through it>:)

    • Patty says:

      I’m trying to think what would be a cool sense of humor note. Something green and quirky?

  • Solander says:

    Most – Christopher Walken. It would smell like a pitch black Cadillac with the windows rolled up, but from underneath the metallic tang of madness and seclusion there would burst forth something bubbly and cheerful like his childish smile or sudden dance moves. Ah and something to capture his melancholy pale grey/green eyes, probably a cool and watery/airy note although they are usually not my favs. Since I have the liberty of imagination it would be an Ideal Cool Note that really smelled natural instead of off…. 😡
    Least – oh I don’t know, gazillions of them. Anyone who would make a fruity floral or generic ozone/aquatic men’s scent.

    • Patty says:

      That is just about as perfect as you can get to sum up Chris! More Cowbell!

      So do you think we could get Andy or CB to make this scent? I want to smell it now. /:)

      • Solander says:

        Generally, I much prefer Tauer’s perfume making style, but in this particular case I believe in Brosius. He’s more Chris somehow, Andy seems too wholesome for the job… But I wonder if Walken isn’t rather a Caron? That metallic edge paired with warmth in Tabac Blond…

        • Patty says:

          I think CB could do this one. Maybe we should send this to him? 🙂 I actually think he’d appreciate it. It would definitely need a musty geranium base like the Carons, just to make sure the cognoscenti can keep it to themselves.

          And the bottle has to have a cowbell on the front of it.

  • Louise says:

    Dang! Sean is already taken at the early hour.

    Can we share him, Masha? Besides all things banned, I need him to smell of some gimme-leather, coffee, and something incongruous-a tiny bit of jasmine?-whatever it would take to keep me guessing.

  • Masha says:

    I would make a perfume with Sean Connery. I don’t care what his age is compared to mine. He’s the man. The concoction would have notes of galbanum, oakmoss, and many other fine things that have recently been banned in perfumes in Europe. In fact, it would contain all of them. For women, I’d choose Helen Mirren. It would not be a fruity floral.

    • Patty says:

      Lord, I have such a massive crush on Sean, I just want him to show up naked… of scent, except his own, which I imagine smells like a little sweat and musk that’s slightly sweet.

  • Amy K says:

    Tough call, but I’d have to go with Yul Brynner for the “most” category. It would smell like leather, dust, smoke, grass, sagebrush, some animalic musk and a hint of whiskey (hey, he’ll always be Chris Adams from the Magnificent Seven to me). In the “least” category, it’s a three-way tie between Anne Coulter, Paris Hilton and Mike Tyson.

    P.S.

    http://www.discontinuedperfume-antiqueperfumebottles.com/product_detail_Celeb_1.htm

    • Patty says:

      Eeek! Yeah, I saw that MJ bottle the other day and about died laughing. I don’t even remember that?

      Okay, I like your concoction. I’m picking Joan Crawford, and it’s going to smell of insanity, a jumble of notes that don’t really go together, but some how work, though you’re still afraid it will sneak up in your sleep and strangle you.

      • tmp00 says:

        thank god there is nobody in my office yet- that made me laugh out loud! =))

        • Patty says:

          Love Joan. I can watch Mildred Pierce and Whatever Happened to Baby Jane four days out of the week, then throw Mommy Dearest in at the end just to make sure I know how batshit over-the-top that woman was. They don’t make ’em like that anymore.