Fruity Floral No. 7,489, Act II.I and winners!

Due to popular demand, the saga shall continue at least for a while longer.

We last left poor Nawt Agin with his head in his hands, sobbing uncontrollably. He left the office early, went home, cooked up some nice mac and cheese and a Klonopin and Padron cocktail and headed for bed, hoping the sunrise would somehow erase this day from his mind.

Meanwhile, across town, at the offices of Perfumes ‘R Us, DicK Nosmell has been called into a meeting with his boss, Daddy Perfumebucks.

Daddy: Sit down, DicK, and tell me, what’s in the hopper about to pop out and make us more money?

DicK:  *sucking up wildly* Yes, sir, happy to! We’ve just signed Voracia Tata, and that scent is in the pipeline.  Peeris Hyatt’s third scent, Overexposed, is due out next week, we’ve rolled out the big marketing blitz, which may be more complicated if she’s in jail, but we’re hoping we can somehow use that to give it a dangerous edge.  We think we’ll get a rap artists signed soon and one of those former girl banders.

Daddy:  Tell me about the perfumes, what do they smell like?

DicK:  *pauses, looks perplexed*  What? The scents — you mean what they smell like?

Daddy:  Why are you repeating what I said? Yes, smell like, as in scent, perfume, to smell, wafting aroma.

DicK:  Well, pretty much the same as every other perfume we’ve done for the last six years — we stay with the formula and the market research data. Something kind of hairy and studly for the boys and sweet vanilla or fruity floral for the girls.

Daddy:  I think we need a change of direction, we should put out something worthwhile, that smells unique and expresses the society we live in.

DicK:  *starts laughing* You got me, you sly dog!  Yeah, like we want to make some perfume called Post Coital Meth Hit …. *Dick continues laughing, looks up, sees Daddy Perfumebucks isn’t laughing at all, gulps hard*  You can’t be  serious.

Daddy:  *growls* Why, yes, I think I am. I think we should, first, ditch these thugs, coke whores and untalented Hollywood wannabes and start signing up serious people with a point of view or a philanthropic mission, like Santa Maria Angelina. We should make a perfume of substance, something that will be around 50 years from now, after we’re both dead and gone, and use a portion of the profits to help the victims in Darfur.  I’ve gone through most of my life already just making money on crap, and I’d like to leave something behind that means something…

(back across town, Nawt is tossing fitfully in his sleep, bolts upright, looks around)  Where’s Daddy and DicK? Where’s the Darfur perfume?!?!?  Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

*Dick breaks down into uncontrollable sobbing again, curled up in the fetal position*

I keep forgetting I had a drawing a while back that I hadn’t finished. So I picked two winners for their pick of the two Tom Ford samples of their choice: Mikael and cjj88.  Just hit the contact us button over there on the left and send me your address and which two you would like, and I’ll pop them in the mail.  Thanks to everyone who played!

Okay, best perfume dream you would hate to wake up from and find out it wasn’t true and/or worst perfume nightmare you would be glad to wake up from?

  • Abigail says:

    Aw, it was just a dream!

    Hmmm…I guess a good perfume dream would be…a rogue nose prowling the internet for ideas, and that’s how we’d get all of our dream perfumes plus charity perfumes plus they would stop trying to tell us that the scent du jour was created just for a few elite friends of so and so…

    And I actually did have a perfume nightmare – someone snuck a perfume on the market that caused thick needle like hairs to grow where you put the perfume. I’ve been scared to spritz on my back ever since.

  • luv_bug says:

    I had a good perfume dream not long ago, actually…

    My husband and I were walking through a flea market, and I found a small basket full of old bottles. I picked one up and it was vintage Guerlain I’d never heard of, marked at about fifty dollars. Because my husband was with me, I couldn’t just buy it upfront (he doesn’t understand the whole perfume thing,) but I lifted the stopper and sniffed…and it was amazing. I can’t even describe it fully; it was a velvety, leathery, dark oriental that had aged into something extraordinary. Like a combination of wine and perfume. Of course, when I went back to the flea market without my husband, I couldn’t find it anywhere, but when I woke up, I could still remember that smell.

    Maybe one day I’ll find it.

  • Maria B. says:

    I think Santa Angelina would be a great addition. Patty, notice that I’m excising part of the name you provided. :-w While she’s lecturing Voracia about saving little babies in Africa, she could steal Voracia’s several male companions and top it off by making out with her own brother. Then Voracia could get so angry she’d take a pin to Angelina’s lower lip and deflate it. Then she’d no longer be Santa Angelina the Jolly.

    I’m grateful to Dusan for contributing what would have been my best perfume dream if I’d thought of it.

    My worst nightmare (with apologies to all who revere JCE and/or like this particular fragrance): I’m in hell. The devil in charge of me keeps spraying Terre D’Hermes on me. 8-x

    • Patty says:

      Maybe Santa Faustina Angelina? And how are you crawling into my head anticipating storylines????? Hmmmm…..:-w

    • Dusan says:

      M, your plot just cracks me up! Santa (Ev)Angelina the Jolly stealing one of Voracia’s handsome boyfriends – now that’s something even Voracia should have seen coming (enter Grub Spitt)

  • Bryan says:

    I don’t know what to say. You definitely have the gift of satire. You also have a way of nailing the pop culture sillyness that affects us all. Love it love it love it. Seriously, lets get this turned into a graphic novel. 😕
    OK, I’m dreaming of a civet/castoreum based, no white musk having, tuberose FILLED concoction, heavy on the hyacinth up top (another love). I’m imagining what the tent in Brokeback Mountain smelled like after we thrown a few thousand tuberose blossoms in there. This dream is taking an odd turn, shame on me. :”>
    Nightmare, ok, that’s easy, I’m walking around any sephora or department counter lately. That’s all.

    • pitbull friend says:

      Oooh, Bryan. Lovely dream. Makes me think of the “Lady Chatterley” movie (1981). I remember only this one scene. The beautiful Sylvia Kristel (“Emmanuelle”) was Lady C., and she reclined while Mellors decorated her with little blossoms. I’ll have to rent that and think of a perfume to go with that scene… –Ellen

      • Bryan says:

        I have to go rent that now. I vaguely remember it. Didn’t they remake it recently? Anyways, you’ve got me wondering what she would smell like….though she’d probably have one for her husband, another for her lover, and a scent she wears that is truly her….we could definitely name it ego-centric. The book is great, have you read it? Thanks Ellen. :d

        • pitbull friend says:

          Hey, Bryan: Ashamed to say I haven’t read it. Usually, I’ve read the book but not seen the movie! Yes, she would have to have something prim & restrained for the hubby but sensual and heathery for the lover. I was so thrilled to see the fantastic cinematography of “Brokeback” — I think that it will stick with people so much better because of its beauty, just like Lady C. stuck in my head for 20-plus years.

          Hey, so, the next time y’all get stuck for a topic — what about “this is what I think my favorite historical/literary figure smells like?” –Ellen

          • Bryan says:

            Great idea! I immediately go to Wuthering Heights. I would love to smell Heathcliff. Not to mention Cathy. I think Heathcliff would wear whatever Cathy wore. He was dark and mysterious, but obsessed with her. He also wouldn’t give a damn what people thought when they smelled her scent on him. I can just picture him sprinkling his sheets with her scent, especially around his pillow. He was a bitter man, but he LOVED him some Cathy. I could definitely go on here. Very provocative Ellen. What do you think? And what are your favorite scents?

    • Patty says:

      I need someone to serialize this for me. 🙂

      Yikes, Bryan, tuberose erotica is a whole new genre, I think. 😕

  • violetnoir says:

    You do realize that you are sick and totally twisted don’t you, woman? 😡

    Let the saga continue…

    Hugs and love!

  • tmp00 says:

    You are making my Fridays! 🙂

    Dream not to wake from? Mssr. Lutens handing me the keys to his Palais, cooing “It’s all yours now”

    Nightmare to wake from? Ms. Hilton doing the same #-o

    • Patty says:

      That is a freaking great dream!!! If that ever happens, I will be your new BFF, wash your dishes, clean up after the perfumers, you know, the usual toadying to get my own scent made.

      glad you are enjoying it! These characters are starting to grow on me, and I’m finding one page of dialogue a week to be doable. I *hate* doing dialogue, because it takes me forever, but 1/2 page to 1 page a week is pretty fun!

  • pitbull friend says:

    Hey, Patty: I wrote a couple of hours ago, but it got sucked into the spam filter. Wonder why? Can’t figure out what naughty thing I did. — Ellen

    • Patty says:

      I had to fish you out of “fat girl blow jobs,” but there you have it! 🙂 it randomly seems to grab some comments, nothing that I can ever figure out to be a common theme, though.

      • pitbull friend says:

        I’m sure that was nothing personal on the part of the spam filter… :”> –Ellen

  • Dusan says:

    Yey, the saga continues!
    So you’re bent on putting poor Nawt through agony even in his sleep… Just wondering – he is Aussie, right?
    Wonder what Peeris is doing in jail, not overexposing herself again I hope. Are you planning to make Voracia her cellmate? I miss the girl, you know… 🙂
    SM Angelina is such a great touch and I’m *so* glad you chose Darfur over, well, Bosnia and Kosovo, though I wouldn’t mind Angie popping round for a chat over tea&cookies 😉
    Best perfume dream – a grand Posse get-together chez Patty, with Chris and Andy taking notes for our Holy Grails while we drink wine, sniff each other and talk perfume for hours on end.
    Worst nightmare – awakening to the reality of things.

    • Patty says:

      Well, I couldn’t kill them off yet, I had to have some more fun. It’s like a magnifying glass and ants, I shouldn’t do it… but.

      Darfur needs more than a perfume. My heart breaks for what is happening there.

      Oh, a great get-together!! I still wish we could get a fall Paris thingie together for our PP pals, and we’ll go kidnap Freddie and Chris, too, and make them play perfume with us!

    • Maria B. says:

      Dusan, what a great perfume dream! That’ll be my good dream too–a Perfume Posse get-together with excellent guest perfumers. Thank you for taking my mind out of the gutter. :”>

  • pitbull friend says:

    Patty, you’re amazing! Up to the very last second, I couldn’t tell which way this one was going to go. I also love “Overexposed.” I suppose that would be a combination of Cosmopolitan vomit, silicone, suntan oil (the stuff that makes you tan faster, not the stuff that protects you), and hairspray? Waking up from that, Pink Sugar would be a blessed relief.

    Perfume I’d hate to wake up from? Two offhand, both on Basenotes. One was an amazing creation by “Parfums Imaginaire” for Dia de los Muertos — hot chocolate, cornmeal, marigolds, and candlewax were major ingredients. Can’t find it now, though.

    The other was the glorious “1607, Tidewater Virginia,” by the Fragrant Funster. (Top notes: Apothecaries Rose, Black Pepper, Tobacco Flower, Dried Rushes Accord/Heart notes: Tobacco Leaf, Sweetgum Tree Resin, Virginia Cedar, Nutmeg, Cinnamon/ Base notes: Jamestown Cherrybark Oak, Brandy accord, woodsmoke and tobacco smoke accords) Wow, huh?

    I’m so glad that “1607” won the Basenotes award, because Basenotes published the contest winner’s name, which enabled me to find out that Fragrant Funster is a friend from college (in Iowa) with whom I hadn’t spoken in… ahem… over 20 years! We got arrested doing civil disobedience together! She was creative, artistic, and very literate back then, too!

    • Patty says:

      That is so funny! I had no idea you two knew each other.

      Yeah, I *want* desperately a Dia de los Muertos parfum. That candle was close, but no cigar. Whoever makes this will be brilliant and very rich.

  • Lee says:

    I can’t do my dreams, with the stack of ennui I’m suffering. I’m looking forward to seeing what Angelina concocts.

    • Patty says:

      So you think I should bring in the Angelina character? I was thinking she’d be all over something that smelled of bullwhips, tattoo ink, blood, jasmine and lotv (satan’s flower).

  • Elle says:

    An unexpected twist! Hmmm. Tapping my fingers and impatiently waiting for next Friday’s installment. Love this! 🙂
    Best dream? This is a semi-family rated blog, right? OK, will ignore visions of Chris Sheldrake and move on to worst dream. That would be being tortured to death by exposure to an excess of MPG’s Grain de Plaisier – one of my least favorite scents of all time.

    • Patty says:

      I shouldn’t torture poor Nawt, should I? But maybe it really wasn’t a dream! I think bringing in a new character, SMA, to talk sense into voracia tata could be fun. We’ll see.

      Add JCE to that sheldrake fantasy, and you’ll have mine. Oh, and they are spritzing me with new creations and feeding me grapes.

  • Louise says:

    Patty-yet another master piece. Started my day out with a giggle and then a roar! Especially liked post-coital meth hit-a mix of M. Secretions and Energizing?

    Nightmare-drowning in fruity-floral bath

    Sweet Dream-perfume I like actually lasting on my odd skin.

    Great Weekend to all!

    • Patty says:

      I was thinking SM and HE with a little CB musk (love it, though) thrown in just for some class.

      I hate that the FFs get painted so badly by so many bad ones. There are actually some great ones out there! ’tis a shame.

      Happy w/e to you!!!