It’s Valentine’s Day. You’re not alone. Somehow, despite the chocolates, the roses and the apparently witty endearments, it ain’t working, and you don’t want to know what are the Best Perfumes for Romance because you want to drive a stake in Romance once and for all. 
Staring at your life /year / month / week / day / hour partner, you know you only said yes to that second drink because facing this schmaltz sober is next to impossible. You knock back the drink, and go off to ‘freshen up’. And here’s the…
Cynic’s guide to perfumes to spray that’ll ruin the moment
Perfumes to crack the heart, not mend it.
Fragrances to foul up frisky frolics.
The anti-Valentine Valentine’s list, if you like.
Toxic fumes to kill the moment. Better than killing your partner, one would hope.
And without further ado, March, Lee and I give you the list of Best Perfumes for Romance – to Kill Romance:
- You’ve already had sex with other people and don’t much care for showering afterwards: SMN Acqua di Cuba, Mona di Orio Nuit Noire, Delrae Amoureuse, CB Musk, Desprez Bal a Versailles
- The football team sure is friendly… and hot, so hot: Amouage Jubilation 25 Women
- You’re a murderer, still smiling secretively about the last disembowelled corpse on the zinc table in your cellar: ELdO Secretions Magnifique
- You don’t bathe…ever: Cartier Declaration, Eau de Cartier, YSL Kouros
- You’re dead, or at least wishing you were right here and now: Etro Messe de Minuit, Serge Lutens Borneo
- You’re a freak and either into animals or engines a la JG Ballard : Miller Harris l’Air de Rien, Bulgari Black, Lalique Encre Noir, SMN Nostalgia
- You’re only pretending to be a man, as she’d have known if she’d seen your collection of satin thongs and babydoll slips: Prada Homme, Dior Homme, Gaultier Fleur du Male
- You’re only pretending to be a woman and have to shave your breasts every morning: Prada
- You’re incontinent and realizing that pelvic floor exercises are too little, too late: SL Miel de Bois, Guerlain AA Pamplelune
- You are legally jailbait and have a fake ID: Vera Wang Princess
- You drive a heavily frontloaded car that compensates for other, erm, deficiencies: Hummer
- You’re looking for a new baby daddy: Baby Phat Goddess or Golden Goddess
- You’re looking for a new baby mama: Sean Jean Unforgivable, Usher
- You wear fragrance to cover up the smell of vomit: Serge Lutens Chypre Rouge; Mugler Angel
- You wear fragrance to cover up the smell of booze: Parfums d’Empire Ambre Russe, Ginestet Botrytis, D’orsay le Dandy
- You want to tell your date (in the immortal words of Pink) it’s just you and your hand tonight: Sisley Soir de Lune
- You like to be diapered like a baby and don’t care who knows it: Lorenzo Villoresi Teint de Neige
- You work in a cheese shop and Roquefort is on special offer: JAR Jardenia, Tom Ford Velvet Gardenia
- You work in a head shop and you’re too stoned for loving: Kiehl’s Original Musk, CB I Hate Perfume Patchouli Empire
- You work in a head cheese shop and it’s all you eat: Farina Gegenuber Kolnisch Juchten
- You want to “smother him with roses” — literally: SL Rose de Nuit, TDC Rose Poivree, Malle Une Rose
- Trashy from The Stand has nothing on you (Burning Bed, anyone?): Annick Goutal Eau du Fier
- You’re into spanking, heavy duty spanking, and you have the calluses to prove it: Piguet Bandit
- When you went to confession, you ended up committing more carnal sins than you were forgiven for. Who’d’ve thunk he was such a dish under his cassock?: Bella Bellissima Perfect Night
- Once upon a time, you had a pair of lungs, before a pack a day for 20 years: Vintage Tabarome, Caron Tabac Blond
- You can’t afford me: Hermes 24, Faubourg
- You really can’t afford me: Hermes Doblis
- You can afford me for 20 minutes if you have $20: Britney Midnight Fantasy
- You like your sex with a little syrup on top: Annick Goutal Sables
For other Best Perfumes for Romance make sure to visit Bois de Jasmin :: Now Smell This :Perfume-Smellin’ Things: for their less offensive take on Valentine’s Day perfumes.
Love your column as always, brilliant funny ones 🙂
Off to spritz myself with Chypre Rouge and Sables, ha ha :d
Two of my faves from the list!
Just wanted to say that this post garnered lots of amusement from my LOVAH.
Thank you!
You’re looking for a new baby daddy: Baby Phat Goddess or Golden Goddess
You’re looking for a new baby mama: Sean Jean Unforgivable, Usher
The hay-ell? just….racist….that’s all
You reckon? Sure you’re not just making a set of assumptions based on limited evidence and little to no knowledge of the cultural background, knowledge and understanding of the posters?
I could justify the post by talking about a whole number of things from the semiotics of desire, the dubious depiction of black masculinity by supposedly representative icons, to the damaging sense of identity that’s created by overly sexualised imagery and the inherent racism and sexism brought about by narrowing of identity through said imagery – but I don’t need to.
The post was playful, like your name suggests you’re supposed to be.
Please engage your brain before you sling mud.
Brain engaged. Semiotics unnecessary. You chose to put that imagery association out there. “Baby Daddy” and “Baby Momma” on fragrances by successful african-american business people-only.
Why the hay-all are you so defensive and didactic dear? Did it never occur you’d be called on it? and yeah.”playful” – kinda like minstrel shows used to be viewed. Remember – you’re either part of the solution or part of the problem.
If I respond I’m called on it – defensive? didactic? Hell, I didn’t start the abuse; if I don’t I’m called on it, I’m sure. Silence = truth! Ha. The Salem approach. Smoke = fire. There must be SOMETHING to it if he’s responding. Oh, the defensive – they’re ALWAYS guilty.
Dude (or dear if you prefer – I could accuse you of homophobia from that if I were blinkered enough), the perfumes – subjectively speaking – are bad. The imagery associated with them – subjectively speaking – is bad. One swallow doesn’t make a summer, one reference to a set of images doesn’t make a racist. But subjectively speaking, if that’s your thing, go with it. I know you’re wrong, is all.
But we won’t convince each other. Oh, and thanks for the pat homily. I think I’m pretty much part of the solution irl, but you probably don’t care about that. Easy targets are more fun than meaningful ones, aren’t they?
Best wishes to you.
I love the pure, unadulterated irreverence of this post! LOL And I have to admit I am now a little intrigued by some of the fragrances you list. Thanks for the great laughs. :d :d/
Try em all – and in good health!:d
I had great fun reading your column. And it got me thinking what perfumes I wouldn’t like to receive as a Valentine gift: some of the Etat Libre d’Orange (Putain des Palaces, Don’t get me wrong,etc.), or one that really caught my attention “FCUK Her”, even “Fracas” would leave me wondering if anything’s wrong with us. Demeter’s “Cucumber” and “Tomato” would be kind of an anti-climax, and my reaction to Clean’s “Fresh Laundry” , I’m afraid, wouldn’t be that positive. And what about something like “Sexual Femme”? Maybe it’d be the start of a long dialogue. Well, I think I prefer the safe classics on such occasions.
I agree that the often explicit language on brands isn’t always alluring!
BWAHAHAHA – Priceless, as always! Someday I must (very, very carefully) try Secretions Magnifique just so I know why it’s on your list!
I have another;
If you find the odor of martinis and ashtrays to be erotic when it clings to your clothes after a night out ‘cuz you never quite made it home to change: Apothia Velvet Rope.
:d
You know what’s funny? Velvet Rope smells exactly like an antibiotic liquid I had a few times as a child – must be the vanillic element. First time I sniffed it, I was taken back to childhood bedroom and being nursed by ma. So much for a rock’n’roll lifestyle…:-?
Wow, that sounds by far worse than anything that made the list. Ashtrays.
valerian smells like concentrated cat pee – in a good way… which might explain why my cat george goes nuts over the smell. he actually looks for the bottle.
loved the list. it might explain my lack of dates for valentine’s day. i wear a number of these fragrances. 😮
Feet, cat pee, and I think a little poop too – like something you’ve trodden in and can’t work out where that funk is coming from…
Which fragrance is valerian-heavy? I *have* to freak out my cats with this. And my husband. :d
You can get valerian powder or extract at your local health food store … it’s been used at least since the 19th century as a sleep aid and anxiolytic. Get a little on your hands and they’ll smell funky for quite a while. 🙂
Thanks–will have a fun time with the cats.
Get a little on your pillow and you’ll think you’ve been busy in your sleep!
Huh. No kidding. Of course I’ve got to get it. Like with a huge list from the post.
In 2006, the Stilton company commissioned a blue cheese perfume. Notes included yarrow, angelica seed, clary sage and valerian. Since valerian always reminds me of the smell of unwashed, sweaty feet it probably works well in this perfume.
I think I’ll pass. I prefer my Stilton on crackers. 🙂
I prefer to avoid Stilton most of the time. Not really a proper Brit!
Well, I think I’ll ruin everything… Oh, I will… 🙂
Loved the post !
:d
LMAO!-and left me with an overwhelming desire to sample those I haven’t yet. I couldn’t agree more about the Mono di Orio- although in my case, it would be sex with other people who are incontinent.
Is it wrong that I adore Nuit Noire? 😕
Lara – what is sex like with incontinent people? 😉 :-\”
Wet.
=)):-&
Spot on. I’m gonna go shopping now. Thanks!
Ooh, what are you buying?
Oh you guys…you brighten my day. Now before I run off to do actual work while humming “50 ways to lose your lover,” I’ll just let you know that the boyfriend is apparently a GIANT fan of the incontinence because the Pamplelune is his favorite on me. And while I find it to be a slightly rotten grapefruit, and just okay, he apparently really likes it. He doesn’t even like grapefruit to eat. I question his ability to smell at all.
*sigh*
*just jump out the back, jack…etc.”
Get a new key, Lee…:d
That we’ve stuck y’all with that earworm is a bonus.
Just get yourself… freeeeee.
:(( I have a terrible sinus headache and feel like s___t. But I gotta tell you Patty, I got a chuckle out of this one!! Thanks, I needed that.
We are glad you enjoyed it!
So I’m a dead Pyro freak into engines and syrup-covered sex?
Fine by me! :d
Aren’t we all? We better be at this point, or we aren’t worth our perfume salt.
ROFL. I hate working in a cubicle; everyone can hear me laughing. I loved that image of having to shave your breasts every morning…priceless..
I think Lee conjured up that imagery. 🙂
I like my sex with a little syrup on top just as much as the next guy, but still I can’t do Sables.
🙂
I’m loving all of these, especially those where your special disdain for gardenia’s evil auxilliary, le fromage bleu, is apparent.
Sables grows on you,you’ll see. Remind me to ask you in a year if you’ve changed your mind.
I actually love gardenia, but not in those two, yowzah!
I can affirm to the slow burn addictive qualities of Sables.:x
Okay, that settles it. I had been twisting in the wind on Sables…to try or not to try. Now I’ve got to try it. Besides that, it’s actually sold on Amazon, the only place where friends and family will go for wishlists. That’s important. Otherwise, I’ll end up with things like White Diamonds. Too bad they don’t have an emoticon for throwing up.
This one is close enough!:-&
Oh, yeah! That is a good one.
Just the best post there will ever be on this subject!And brilliant sketches of many of my favs. It’s funny because I knew there was a reason why I haven’t yet worn my Jubilation 25 sample to work yet. Sweaty Diorella. She’s a full on WOMAN.
yeah, full-on woman… exposed! 🙂
glad to see it’s not just me on the kouros!
and here’s some more anti-VD skulls:
8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x !!!!!!!!!
Kouros and Declaration should be banned substances.
Hmmmm….obviously, I must try this Declaration stuff.
I don’t know what all the ladies’ fussin’ is about. I just think it’s bee-yoo-tiful.
you really made me laugh =)) thank you!
i think BF is already used to many of the frags you wrote about, so no way to kill “the moment” with a scent – but there are still other ways, right :)) ?
(by the way, there are scents that i really find vile, like alien :^o )
TrueLove is never put off by a bad smell. 🙂
Absolutely fantastic, dear hearts! The only thing I would add is, don’t you want a little MKK for that full-diaper effect?:o –Ellen
We all thank you! I’m still trying to figure out how we left out MKK in this mess.
Bravo! Absolutely hilarious!
We all thank you!
Hilarious. Here’s another one: “I’m gonna seduce you, stalk you, then boil your bunny.” Gucci EDP.
(This stuff is still clinging to my wrist this morning. Only now, it’s wearing a baby doll pink shorty slip, sucking on cotton candy, and flipping the bird. What IS this stuff?)
Oh yes, that stuff is wretched – or just not for me – it nearly took me and the whole family down with whatever patch was in there – I think my skin took it and magnified that note about 1000x. It went on and on, past any attempts with rubbing alcohol, soap, etc. The sweater I was wearing needs to be burned. Orris Noir did something similar on me – where I had people around begging me to get rid of that smell! I need to find the similar note… 😕
Oh, hey now! You’re dissing one of my big faves, though I have heard if it doesn’t like you, it will slash your tires while you’re driving in the country, leaving you stranded.
It loves me. 🙂
BBliss, did it turn into cigarette butts soaked in vodka on your sweater? That’s what it did on mine.
What I’d LOVE to do is have a spritz party with all my girlfriends and see how it treats each one differently. But not until it warms up where we can do it OUTSIDE.
Sorry Patty – we’re talking the newest Gucci – I know you loved the old one, right? – is this also a fave? I need to search your old reviews…
No, moi, no butts and vodka – just choking FLORAL and sweet, sweet patch. Tenacious and weird.
Dear Abby … er, Patty,
I just read your column & um, I like Bulgari Black. Not just on me, but on my bf, too. Should I be worried?
signed,
Concerned
mwah ha ha!! Love the list …. So, me & my bf are confirmed nonparticipants in VDay. We have a pact to “Valentine” each other whenever the mood strikes, 364 days a year, any day but V Day. So, who has the hot V Day date? Yeah, us – we just scored Eddie Izzard tix for that night. SO excited. And earlier that afternoon I’m going to a perfume focus group presentation workshop sorta thing that the Sniffa ladies hooked up. So I guess I’ll be hard pressed to ignore it this year, lol.
Trying to think of the perfect scent for an Eddie Izzard show. The mind reels ….
Eddie Izzard!? I adore him!!!!!
Perfect, as always!
Thanks, Robin!
Best start to a work day – EVEH! Awesome collaborative effort! Love the too late for the pelvic floor…
I think you need one straight up “I’m Just Not in the Mood Category” and the first one that comes to mind is the most recent horror – that Pucci Vivara – because who wants to kiss, etc. all over someone that reeks of burning plastic. Actually this one could work like a Jedi-mind-trick, because than your amour would be justifiably pleading headache, not you.:d
there is no try, young jedi … there is only SM.
8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x
That new Pucci is just foul. The vintage is really quite good, and it’s a travesty what they did to it.
I would have fruity-floral for that bottle alone…why would they concoct something so unwearable/unmarketable? It’ll be a vinatge in its own right soon enough!
=))
Oh, goodie. We all get so happy when we make y’all laugh at us.
Ah no, no — never laughing at you! :p You all just managed to hit right on my funny bone with this one..
I didn’t expect such an irreverent post (although I should’ve known better) – and I was pleasantly surprised. I’m still laughing and trying to figure out what category I fit into! I’m saving this post – it’s a classic!!
:d
Bloody.Brilliant.Post. The three of you are evil geniuses! ^:)^
March and lee get the brilliant part, but I’ll go ahead and claim the evil part. 🙂
Oh, you sick petite biatch, you !
I think I DO love you more than cheese, now… or olives, for God’s sake.
Yup, you’ve got ALL the bases covered.
I’ll do everything BUT the MdB and Pampelune!
Blame it on March and Lee!!! I just posted it. 🙂
xoxoxo
Actually, PST will be next week. The, um, editor, had a brain malfunction and confused her dates.
Love your list. Scary thing is, I could easily do most of the things you describe as I own most of the scents you list 🙂 The scarier thing is that they don’t kill the moment for Mr. C anymore. Poor thing, he is immune.
i’ll be sure to watch for your post on pst!
i’ve managed to make one of my cats immune to my perfume testing. he had gotten to where he would run away when he saw me pull out a sample vial! (smart kitty.) now he just sits there nest to me, resigned.
and the other 2 cats – well, they always try to lick the perfume off my arm. freaks! :d
8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x
Cats? I have to comment.
My 22 y/o cat is like the two of yours that try to lick it off. I think he thinks he’s cleaning me…either that, or as my husband said, he likes the taste of it. Eeew.
All the rest of them couldn’t care less, except once when I had something really civet-heavy on my wrist. My 14 y/o cat didn’t try to lick it off. Instead, he licked his lips in the way that indicates, “Oh, YUM!!” Hmmm…set me to thinking, let me tell you.
Oh, also think it’s hilarious that the one learned what a vial meant and also that there was no resistance. :d A siamese, by any chance?
actually, he’s a singapura. they’re fairly rare in the u.s., and, as you can tell, extremely smart. he knows every cat toy hiding place, even if i’ve only used it once.
and your kitty with the “oh, yum” look – ROFL! hope you moved quick so kitty wouldnt bite your arm off!
8-x
I did watch him closely. If they decide they’re really going to go after something, it doesn’t matter if there’s human flesh underneath (as I learned to feed some things via a spoon).
Erin, those Singapuras are so lovely, I always wanted one! I have Persians now but maybe someday….
I’m just surprised we remembered! Well, we had the idea for doing it this way a month ago and turned our e-mail joking into a post. 🙂
Thanks for changing what was starting out as a not so hot Friday into a great start to my weekend. I’ll be laughing out loud at random points during the day, no one at work could ever, ever understand why. Thank you Goddess for all things Posse. XOXO
We are happy to have made your day better. 😡
LMAO!! Absolutely brilliant! All I can say is thank God DH is very close to being anosmic – at least when it comes to my perfumes.
See, that would be helpful! Mine just moves away from me, especially if it’s the end of the day, and I’ve been doing a lot of testing and I smell like perfume factory.
Oh man, I knew I preferred the women’s Jubilation for a reason…I always suspected that I just might be a dirty, dirty fellow and I think your list confirmed it. Of course, it also confirmed that you guys are just as twisted as me. What a terrific way to start the day, lotsa laughs and the inspiration to wear something filthy. Where shall I begin??!!
I went with Kouros; Dusan sold me with “warm pi$$ and sweaty ballsack.” It’s gonna be a great day…
Hey, the chick’s amouage, I don’t think, is that feminine, just skanky as all get-out.
But Kouros? You’re killin me! :((
(damn thing didn’t post in the right spot! grrrrr!)
glad to see it’s not just me on the kouros! and please disregard the stupid previous post that landed at the bottom.
and some more skulls, because i’m really feeling the VD hate right now:
8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x
p.s. – everyone please start referring to valentine’s day as VD so we can start a “down with cheap pink and red chocolates and singing balloons” revolution! VIVA LA REVOLUCION! and i will start by wearing KOUROS!!! :d
I’m putting on a Che t-shirt just for you, Erin.
Aw, you guys are too funny :))
But seriously now, I usually destroy that unwanted “mood” in a date with icy silence, and for those who know me, you know how hard that is 8-|
Love the list, though some of the sources are clearly linkable to author (Borneo, much, Marchele? MdM gotcha, Lee? Chypre Rouge, Patty?).
Top of my list to ruin anything, anytime-Secretions M. Just vile. I can take pee and poo, even, er male stuff, but the blood, ugh.I had fun scaring my ex and my son with that vile juice.
BTW, I wax before putting on my Prada-more ladylike.
Happy Romance to you all!
Secretions is vile, and it should be banned. Smelling it makes my stomach churn, I swear. I can’t even bear to be near it.
*HUGE belly laugh!!!!=))
This was a PRICELESS post and oh, my Gosh! There are tons of favourites among them! I am ruined for Valentine’s I’m telling you, utterly ruined! :-j
Well, that we included a lot of our own favorites is no reflection on our love for many of these, but some are a bit, um, gamey or weird or just downright flipping freakfest, but we still love them.
They just might drive the people nearby out of the room.
It’s PURELY a coincidence that I’m wearing SMN Nostalgia. I do love animals but not in THAT way. It smells like…ok, forgive me for this – crack cocaine when you first put it on. I smelled that at a party and it was the weirdest, most synthetic smell. This was in the early 90’s.
This post is great, thank you.
No joke? Wow! I’ve never smelled crack. I keep saying, I learn more from y’all than I ever thought possible. 😉
I’ve smelled crack. It was in Brooklyn at a bodega when my friend Martina dropped in to buy cat food. We walked out and I commented upon the bizarre smell in there. She looked at me and in her finishing-school voice said “Good lord Tom, that’s Crack!” as if it were as normal as smelling fresh bananas…
That is PRICELESS!!!!!! I’ve had a rather, ahem, “colorful” past. And I just realized the way I worded it, it sounds like I’m saying crack cocaine smells like crack cocaine when you first put it on. har. Oopsie.
Your first six points? BWAHAHAHA!!! What’s bad is that it makes me want to try them all. (Yes, yes: I want to join the Skank Club.) What’s worse is
(1) Your linkage of “you’re into animals” with MH Rien,
(2) My love of Rien
(3) I *am* into animals….although probably not the way you meant.
Frankly, I’m not sure ANY fragrance could ruin anything for my husband. Maybe Kouros, from the sound of it. Once I put on too much of something (you know, like that poignant last scene in the movie, “Perfume”). He said something about his eyes watering from the teargas. I think it was just a question of amount versus whatever it was. Right? :d
I know what you mean about needing a drink or two to face the schmaltz of something. But that relates to an unflattering tale regarding someone else, so I’ll just let it go with letting you know my empathy. It’s mixed with some dread or resignation too, if we were mixing up a fragrance for it.
Anyway, I thought I was pretty caught up with the scents I wanted to try with my recent order. Now I’ve got to add at least the things from the first six onto my list. :-w 🙂
Yeah, with some of these, it’s quantity. A little L’air du rien goes a long way. 🙂
A little goes a long way? REALLY? I could drown myself in that stuff. I’ll try to remember that the next time I use it.
Hey, Patty, could you look at the Customer Service thing for TPC. I sent in a question because of a problem, and I don’t know who else to ask. [-o<
Patty, never mind on the TPC question. Diane got back to me. 🙂
Ah…ah…hahaha can you hear my stomach wobbling from the roaring laughter? No, I’m not incontinent but I think I just peed myself a little, hell A LOT! This is hilarious!
Okay, so you’re saying I don’t really need to bother showering ever again? Yay! Although I’m not sure I’d like to waft MdB around so will duly change my undies —
Which reminds me: it breaks my heart, but I must hide/burn that stash of silk thongs and schedule an appointment with a pulmologist asap.
Just for the record, Kouros will reward you with a really amazing drydown only if you’re willing to spend the first half hour smelling like warm pi$$ and sweaty ballsack. I’m not that brave, but then I lurve Déclaration *and* Eau de Cartier 😀
ok, now i REALLY need to smell kouros. 😮
and thanks posse for an anti-VD list! loved it!
8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x 8-x
If we’ve made you laugh, our work is done here. 🙂
And, babe, it’s true: You know that you really can’t afford me, lol! You introduced me to that fragrance!
Think about it: If I want to smell of vomit, I’ll douse on 100% Love!
Love the incontinent, bondage, and diaper ones, Patty. Priceless!
Hugs and love right back at you!
Ah, March and Lee did most of these, I just made sure the post got up. 🙂
Doblis, I know! I keep counting the drops in my bottle and crying.