To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven
(The Byrds via Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)
okay – y’all are just going to have to roll with my Crazy today, okay? I’ll do a GIVEAWAY! to soften the blow of madness. Okay? Just hang with me while I air out my tiny little mind.
I’ve been diagnosed with a form of PTSD, following the Great El O Era, with the comparison of having lived in a bombed-out war zone for 12 years and now I live in a nice split-level in Orange County. [note from March — this is an analogy, Anita’s still in Hooterville lol.] The whole OC thing is fabbo but! my psyche is still at Defcon2 every other minute because 12-year war zone – and every minute it isn’t I find myself wondering why it isn’t and why I feel weird without it. Despite studying Warriors at Ease and learning the signs of PTSD in combat vets I failed to recognize it in myself. I attribute that to some vague feelings of shame, as if I have no right to experience PTSD, since I wasn’t in combat. Except. I was. For 12 years. Not as immediately life-threatening as, say, doing a tour in Afghanistan or living in Syria or amongst Sinaloa, but still pretty damaging.
What has this got to do with Angel up there in the bathtub? Well. How I got the diagnosis revolves around reading materials. For over a year I’d been unable to focus on my normal, heavier reading – just couldn’t do it. And it was freaking me out (hence the therapist convos). The unexpected rabbit hole of Romance (via Shondaland) gave me respite, allowing my eyes to move left to right without having to think overmuch. Okay! So when my bfffe suggested I read one of her favorite writers, Molly Harper, I popped on over.
(this is NOT a book review, btw – it’s about Choices. So hang in there)
Harper writes several series focusing on paranormal/supernatural creatures and, for the most part, they are delightful, funny, sexy, goofbally reads . Actually, ‘for the most part’ isn’t on Harper – it’s on me. The weirdest thing happened with the vampire books; as I delved into the charming Half-Moon Hollow (vampire-heavy) series I began to experience a bit of …. stress.. yes, stress! It seemed out of place – after all these are darling, funny, well-written books about sexy-assed predator vamps falling for regular ol’ humans (usually male vamps/female humans, with a few notable exceptions), experiencing bad/funny interpersonal dynamics (dysfunctional families and bureaucracy factor heavily), having hot sex, solving mysteries, scary conflict, snarky dialogue, declaring their True Love Forever as the human is turned (because no sexy 500 yr old 30 Forever wants someone who is going to prune up and need a walker). What’s not to like, right? … and that’s when it hit me: P.T.S.D. must still be around – because! despite all the fabbo writing, the HEA here (eternal life with Hot Vampire), the idea of being in a relationship with anybody (yes, even Idris) for EVAH! FOREVAH!?!! squeezed my sternum.
Forever. Yikes! Obvs I am not a romantic. Or else I am just a human who’s stomped around that True Love tune a few too many times. Is there a One? And could I do Forever with him? Yikes! Yes, Harper addresses this, somewhat adjacent, but without any empirical evidence in the books (these are all First Time Forevers) we’re left to imagine. Forever. For. Ev. Er. E.ter.ni.teeee.
It’s actually not a comforting thought.
Now. Just stop and think about that for a minute. Oh, wait. Before you do that I need to explain the plot device. Harper’s vamps are now Out (due to a ‘turned’ accountant, Arnie Frink, who sues bigly under the ADA to be allowed nighttime hours). The deliberately hysterical banality of the Great Outing carries through the entire series, with vampires being (mostly) Just Like Us (mostly – they are still apex predators, which is definitely A Thing to Remember if you prefer not being destroyed). They lobby for (and win) equal status as citizens, etc, they go to Walmart for vampire groceries (this is a town in KY, there’s a Walmart), they can marry, etc, they live in houses/townhouses/apartments…. and their marriages mirror humans’ with the expected HEA.
and… omg. Something about all that skipped over the hysterical and just gave me hives. Not ‘bad writing’ hives(they really are well done). Just ‘omg. the notion’ hives. And it reminds me how much I love Maurice Chevalier’s song (in ‘Gigi’) “I’m Glad I’m Not Young Anymore”.
‘and even if Love comes through the door
The kind that goes on forevermore
Forevermore’s much shorter than before’
(I’m Glad I’m Not Young Anymore – Lerner & Lowe)
Is it PTSD? Or is it just Life? that the idea of living, especially living A Regular Life, with anybody, even if it’s your Own True Love (or even just a Deep and Abiding Affection), for freaking EVAH! is horrifying? It makes my spine twist. In the Harper books, these vamps are ‘people’, albeit with the whole Apex Predator thing, the fangs and supernatural powers; how can they, living the ‘people’ life, possibly expect to Keep Life or Love Fresh (and Alive) for eternity? I love Life and I love the idea of Love – but an actual eternity of either (or both) just doesn’t seem all that appealing. Add to that the men I’ve cleaved unto have about a 10yr limit on fidelity – and I’m probably not much better – but even if one can go the whole enchilada the idea of ….omg… eternity? And not even The Sex – which must be said because it looms large in these books- don’t forget, you get turned when you’re 29, you stay 29 forevah!! I mean, there are only so many Kama Sutra positions… just sayin’… and now you’re only gonna be knockin’ boots with The One for ETERNITY). Just… omg. The. Same. Person. (and you know folks’s habits don’t change – the guy who cracks his knuckles in Year One will be cracking his knuckles in Year One Thousand – just remember that). Can they really sustain that ‘can’t live without her’ feeling when they literally are not going to be living without her… for effin’ … eternity. What on earth could you possibly have to say to anyone 1000 (yes, ONE THOUSAND) years into the relationship? How are they going to keep that bookstore (there’s a bookstore) going through 3015? (assuming we haven’t immolated everything on the planet by then – Cletus (Greek- short for ‘Anacletus’ it means ‘illustrious’, not ‘hillbilly’) – he’s nearly 1000 years old and still hotAF because vampire) explains our human evolution, which only really leapt about 100 years ago – and he’s not sure we have another thousand years in us) Will Vampire Dick still be watching ‘Dukes of Hazzard’ marathons? Will his newly-vamped wife still be escaping to the bookstore (there’s a bookstore*) to avoid that marathon? All the questions.
500 years of Dukes of Hazzard…
1000 years of Walmart.
Annnd… the sternum squeezes.
I suspect there’s a reason vamps are all so damb gorgeously BROODING! Probably trying to figure out how to avoid that 250th Hazzard Marathon (though, in some households, that could just be next Tuesday).
“How do you keep the music playing
How do you make it last?
How do you keep the song from fading too fast?”
(“How Do You Keep The Music Playing” M. Legrand/M. Bergman/A. Bergman)
Hmmm… it’s a great, funny, sexy series – but maybe not the best series for a Relationship-PTSD victim with a skittery mind. Or maybe I just need to stfu and get with the Vampire Forever program. I know, I know… I’m overthinking it. Perhaps I’ll go back to her funny/charming Werewolf series – all the power, all the sexy, alllll the power (I know, I already said that, deal with it. I love me some Apex Predator)… but her werewolves live out their lifespans much as humans do. (however, beware: once you commit you’re locked in a ‘mated’ situation, so choose your werewolf wisely – there are no do-overs). I know he’s not a werewolf (he’s a Wolverine) but if he were a werewolf, I’d choose This One – it’s a no-brainer, don’t you think?)
stolen: Men’s Health (menshealth.com)
Jeebus! This mindset of mine sounds depressing, doesn’t it? Sorry! It just popped up in my skittery mind! I don’t have anything against True Love. Honestly, I don’t ( though I have no idea what that even means, it does have a nice ring to it) … and I tend to suspend disbelief when reading fiction of any sort (and especially paranormal fiction because… hello!?! Pa.ra.nor.mal.). But Harper’s placing this Paranormal series smack-dab in the middle of Normal sort of forced the issue for my PTSD ass. See, maybe that’s why I need to go back to the non-paranormal 1800s romances! LOL! Suspending disbelief means I can watch the MCs embrace carpe diem and need never think about them shuffling off their mortal coil at 50. What’s the point of carpe diem, though, when you are facing 300,000 diems! Or more. All. those. diems. Yikes!
What’s your take? Would you choose Forever – and since it’s HEA, it’s FOREVER WITH THE SAME HOTALICIOUS VAMPIRE FOREVER (yeah, I’m kinda stuck on that ‘forever’ thing – sorry). Or would you choose a (somewhat) mortal life HEA, aging with that Furry Sex Bomb up there?
Give me your thoughts and I’ll have TGirl poke for TWO winners! Because this? This is a totally bonkers post!!! And… well, it’s bonkers.
You all still love me, right? You’re not going to declare me completely insane – yet – right?
Oh, yeah! WINNER from ‘Flaming Hot’: KATHLEEN!
gmail your evilauntieanita and I’ll get some fun stuff out to you!
xoxoxo
Yes, of course we all still love you. This is a good, supportive spot for you to air out those feelings. But, if you do tie the knot again, you are probably gonna have to get the thumbs-up from all the 1000 Aunties here on the P.Posse.
xo
omg. Jo Ann!!!
Are you kidding me? I cannot even imagine!! (now watch the U turn my world upside down). I’m mostly thinking some chatting, some dancing… some boot-knockin’… then off you go until the next time, Mr Man 😉
xoxoxo
Unquestionably mortal. Have you seen The Good Place? The permanence of the afterlife in the Christian/etc. idea of heaven or hell has always been a horrifying mental struggle for me. It’s part of why Huis Clos read like a horror play for me.
Another quick thing after reading others’ comments, I’ve only been with my guy for nine years, and we haven’t even gotten married (it’s happening this September, though!), so I have no right to say anything, but our personal evolutions over the past nine years have been so in sync that it is hard to imagine things ever going sideways. And the past 18 months of the pandemic have only brought us closer together. We’ve gotten so weird together that it feels more Us vs. World than ever before. So I can’t wait for another <=60 years of this! But…eternity? Still nope.
I’m thrilled for you and yours, koyel! Many, many, many more years in health and happiness. Just not.. y’know.. eeee.ter.ni.teeee! LOL!
seriously, though. My very best wishes to you both!
xoxox
and yes The Good Place freaked me out!
Thank you, Musette! <3
I too was thinking of Star Trek’s Q Continuum, although no idea why they weren’t allowed to self-terminate if they got too bored with living. Perhaps immortals would be able to simply live in the Now, because otherwise the weight of the past would be too much. At the moment at least eternity seems like rather Too Much. (P.S. One vote for adorable and funny vs broody hotness)
I think they chose that for Q because it becomes a much more interesting story (you’re immortal, deal with it) and it gives DeLancie’s Q a reason to be Puckish. Most vampire stories I’ve read focus on the ennui caused by living too long (plus they’re still closeted, which makes for a much less prosaic existence) AND those stories rob the vampire of its soul (Harper’s lets them keep all aspects of their humanity, except for the ability to eat or be out in the sun)
I’m with you on adorable and funny (though I do want an adorable and funny Apex Predator, just sayin’) – all that Brooding… ugh. Thousands of days/weeks/months/years… of broooooding. No, thanks!
xoxo
Hey Musette,
Apex Predators are for single use sexual adventure but give me someone adorable and funny for any length of time please. Forever? I dunno. ETERNITY! Why? No thank you.
Glad you are doing some healing, reading, laughing softly at yourself.
Hugs,
Portia xx
Oh, my little sunflower of fabulous! I don’t want to be with an apex predator. I want to BE an apex predator! LOL! and Harper addresses my longing by making the human females into vamp females (there’s a great line wherein a female vamp says to a guy “you do realize I can reach down your throat and hand your own spleen to you, don’t you? Okay, just checking” ). But all of them are warm, funny characters, which assuages the whole Cold-blooded Killer thing (even if they are cold-blooded. Okay, I’ll stop).
and yes, I softly (and sometimes not so softly) laugh at myself all the time. Amazing how much that helps!
Love you, sunshine!!!
xoxoxo
I think Eternity is daunting, but marrying the right mortal person is not so intimidating. We’ve been married 30 years, and very happily, but I think it’s because we were friends first. One set of my grandparents were married 52 years, the other 69 years. My parents were married 28 till my dad died, my mom remarried, and she’s about to celebrate her 26th anniversary! So maybe it’s a family thing?? I don’t know. My husband and I enjoyed watching all of the Buffy and Angel series. We were big fans.
Congratulations to you and your family!!! That is amazing! I think a long mortal life with The One is absolutely fabulous – it’s the idea of carrying that forward 1000 years that is daunting, even with sexy Angel up there in the bathtub! I know lots of people who have stayed married (and, it seems, happily so) to the same person until death. A cousin married her high school sweetheart and they are going on 45 years! Obviously, I missed that gene. 😉
xoxoxo
That was probably the longest “printed” text about vampires I’ve ever read! (I know, it’s not about vampires.) I hope you’ll keep healing, despite the fact that all processes slow down as we age (unless we’re sexy vampires stuck at the ripe age of 29 😉 ).
While the idea of the same one companion “forever” doesn’t scare me much (and I won’t even go deep into theorizing that vampirism and immortality might come with its own brain biochemistry that defies not only physical aspects of life), the thought of the world around us “moving on” terrifies me. How many losses can one survive? Family, friends, children of the friends, favorite actors, artists and writers… Yeah, and don’t forget those dukes 😉 (Nah, I’ve never watched that show but have several favorites, Buffy and Angel included, that I enjoy rewatching from time to time… but even with my own, not “supernaturalized” memory after the 20th time I would be able to quote them episode by episode).
So, back to your question (and the reality): if anything, from fairytales I’m more interested not in HEA but in my-native-culture-specific ending: “… and died on the same day.”
LOL! Undina, the whole process seems terrifying, doesn’t it? The dynamics alone are enough to scare you silly –
Dying on the same day would work, I guess, if you liked the other enough to do that – personally, given my ‘picking’ problems, I relish the opportunity to see what it’s like sans other 😉
xoxox
Wow, this has some truth that speaks to a lot of different circumstances. Having been in a relationship requiring that hypervigilance, it can take a long time and a lot of effort to go away. One’s systems for monitoring conditions and responding accordingly become habituated so deeply.
I am married now, but I don’t think I want to spend eternity with him or alive. I stopped believing in The One a long time ago in favor of believing in the idea that there are many people out there with whom we could build a life, but timing and our priorities at the moment of meeting narrow that pool down.
For various reasons, the likelihood of my surviving my husband are pretty good, and if things go that way, I may never marry again. Been there done that. On the other hand, if I were to meet someone, us living down the street from each other in separate houses and hanging out part of the week appeals to me. One of the great benefits of being middle-aged to me is it feels like I finally have cultural license to own my idiosyncrasies.
I’ve always thought separate households was the way to go – according to literary lore Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir did just that and it worked for them.
I’m definitely NOT looking for ‘forever’ – not anymore. And, were I to get blindsided by it, I stand by Honore LeChaie’s assertion that ‘forevermore’s much shorter than before’ LOL!
Forever? Nah. I do love furbabies, though.
I know, right? The idea of picking up someone’s socks for 1000 years….. yikes!
Furbabies, though.. yeah!
xoxo
I’ll take the forevah! My husband and I have been together for 43 years now after marrying at 18 following a 2 week courtship which consisted of going out for dinner once, a movie night once and then him being being picked up by immigration for an expired visa. I don’t regret marrying him for a minute, even though there have been trying times over the years….some even my ‘fault’…. But I will say that this post has piqued my interest in the ‘otherworldly’ genre of writing (I haven’t even read Harry Potter!) I may have to dip my toe into vampire romance books to get a peek at my future before I commit to eternity. Loved this post and your wry sense of humor, dear!
omgosh! That is lovely!!!!! 43 years! I doubt I could go 43 days (okay – maybe 43 days. But right now my clients are working my Very Last Nerve so it’s Vicious Musette Time).
If you’re interested in the type of books I’m describing, Molly Harper and Mary Janice Davidson do ‘fun’, Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse is ‘fun with a side of terror’
xoxox
I would stay human. The stress of always being on the lookout for sources of blood would get to me. To paraphrase a vampire in Interview With a Vampire, I don’t think I have the stamina for immortality. Not to mention, I’m already 74 🙂
LOL! I’m with you. What’s the use of dragging an older self (I’m not that much younger than you) into immortality – forever 74 doesn’t have quite the ring of Forever 21, does it ;-)?
Luckily for Harper’s vamps, WALMART carries synthetic blood – it’s not quite as fabbo as the real thing but it serves much as eggs or potatoes serve us mortals – regular chow. The real thing is like dining at The Everest Room. And there are legit donors and…. apparently ABneg is THE SHIZZZ, like chocolate cake.. or caviar (she’s given quite a bit of thought to this, for which I am forever grateful. Makes for a fun series)
xoxo
You know where I am on this. The thought of sharing my house/bedroom with someone makes me break out in hives. I mean, I have my life, my habits, my oddities and eccentricities, and I just don’t want to explain them to anyone again or adapt myself by carving me up into chunks to make my life fit with someone else’s. I think I should have done this when I was 18, if I was going to make it stick. AND I don’t trust my own picker — three times it was broken in the marriage department, and my picks for men I didn’t marry was not that great either! The great ones I screwed up before we got to the marriage part. Eh. I deserve to die alone. 🙂
Oh, and hell no to the live forever. That just sounds exhausting, like a terminal Groundhog Day (my fave movie!). And being stuck/frozen at some age when you were a shithead sounds even worse, and I still think I’m a shithead in too many places to get frozen in time.
Ditto on it all, including “three times”. For awhile there was one exception though. Still you really made me laugh!
Ditto on your living forever comment too.
The first part of my previous reply was about your relationship comment.
Patty (and Maya) – y’all are Slaying me (much like Buffy)! And I’m in total agreement – I have a similar track record when it comes to Picker. I think mine’s busted as well!
And all the wisdom I’ve accrued via my old-assed self would be useful in the Forever – except I’d have to go into Forever with my old-assed self, knowing that the idea of Forever is a Long, Silent Scream. So, no thanks!
xoxo
Yeah, the exceptions that I screwed up! The one I should have kept – he married the next woman after I dumped him and is still married. He was great, but he was in the Navy and gone, and I got impatient (well, 19 isn’t very mature!) and started dating a complete louse out of boredom. I wish I was made differently. 🙂
I think you’re made just fine – 19 is young, so most of us (not all – but a LOT) made not-great decisions.
xoxo
This is me: No way would I want forever with anything…..except my dogs. Time with them is the only thing that is not nearly long enough and where I could easily imagine forever.
I loved your “bonkers” post! xoxo
yeah, that would be nice, wouldn’t it? I’d like to catch them at that ‘perfect’ age, where they’re potty-trained and mostly grown, without the stressors of their old age. That? I would take forever of that 😉
xoxo
I am with you on the forever heebie-jeebies. I’m on my third husband and after 20 years we are seriously getting on each other’s nerves, especially after 18 months of pandemic. This past year has been absolute hell for a variety of reasons and I am in full PTSD (except it’s not post, I’m still in the middle of it). If I could go stay somewhere alone for a few months I would be so effing grateful. No way would I ever marry or live with someone again if he dies first. And it goes without saying that I would not want to be immortal. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next year let alone a millenium.
OMG! You are KILLIN’ me! That made me laugh SO HORD! And I bow to you – I’ve only done it twice and each time, towards the end, it was like the Bataan Death March!
Hang in there, darlin’..
xoxoxo
Like Pam, my first thought was: but…but your garden!! Are you really in California?
I don’t think you’re crazy. At all. I’ve been married to the same man for 36 years. And he’s a wonderful person. But I make sure I have time alone and with friends or I might go nuts. Ha – that cracking knuckles thing. So true. ;D
Nooo! It was therapist’s metaphor for my PTSD. Though I sure wouldn’t mind CA – except y’all keep trying to burn it to the ground!
36 years is totally doable. 3600 years? Maybe not so much.
xoxoxo
You’ve moved?! And left your fab garden?!
And yeah, Eternity is a long damn time to be with the same vampire. Or any critter. But you could write a book that would keep us in stitches. Thanks for the essay. Made my day.
LOL! OC was therapist’s metaphor (I keep hearing ‘I’ll take the rapist for 200, Alex’ in Sean Connery’s voice 😉
xoxo
I want to meet the dude in the bathtub & introduce him to someone young enough for him to appreciate!! My daughter? Niece? I’ll just drool.
Congrats on the OC! I grew up there when orange & walnut groves were everywhere, long before anyone had ever heard of a “condominium.” Irvine Ranch had grazing buffalo & we rented horses from the stables at the El Toro Marine base. We summered on the Balboa peninsula, body surfed The Wedge, always with zinc oxide on our noses.
Best wishes on your ptsd recovery progress!
Um. The ‘dude in the bathtub’ is Buffy’s Angel, back when he was back to being supremely vicious. So no meety there, okay? Hot as the sun, he was unbelievably vicious during that time.
Your CA time sounds like a dream! Mine is just a metaphor for Defcon2 still manifesting in the midst of a resettlement.
xoxo
Third husband, and I was just thinking I would not marry again should he be first “out.” I don’t particularly trust my picker either, and I’m definitely PTSD. The living forever is a strong maybe, but would be hard with loss of friends, etc. I go into major grief/depression when losing one of my kitty-kids. And forever with any of my cats would be just fine: cat-vampires, a slightly chilling thought, but we’d be family.
The idea of forever with one person just would not work with me. However, my parents are another story. Theirs was a grand life-long romance filled with respect and affection, both strong-willed, intellectual heavy-weights who enjoyed spending their time together. Nothing I’ve had has come too close to that, but I do believe it works for a few lucky people out there, and I do think there is some luck. Now we hear all the time how much it takes for a relationship to “work”–but those two played at it. I’ve worked and worked, and “therapized”– and nope. The last one standing if it’s me is going to probably be standing alone. With cats. That lady….
Your parents’ relationship is Life Goals! I know a couple of couples like that and they’re fascinating to behold, mostly because I have NO IDEA how they do it. DH1? All the ‘compatible’ signs were there (same intellectuals, same physicals, etc)… but that was a Hot Mess. Luckily he married once before and once after me, so I don’t feel quite the loser! DH2 (El O) was a ‘settle’ and I thought it would be fine – uh. No.
First one broke my heart.
Second one broke my financials and my nerves.
I doubt I would do it again, not even for Angel in the Bathtub!
xoxoxo
xoxo
So, there’s a story line early on in True Blood, largely overlooked by most, that was poignant — involving sexy AF vampire Eric Northman’s “maker” (Godric, his vampire daddy) deciding he was done with existing and immolating himself by meeting the sun. And Eric cries and begs Godric in Swedish not to do it, not to leave him. And I guess for a lot of people it was eyerolling camp, but I sobbed all the way through it. And I’m thinking about that now, because the idea of eternal life sounds pretty awful, frankly, even if you’re in the immortally hot bod of a 25 year old. I’m working on my own trauma, not so young any more, taking each day as it comes (or trying to), and not all that interested in pairing up with anyone; I’ve spent enough of my life caretaking, thankyouverymuch. I’ve also become much more omniverous in my reading lately; I wasn’t reading at all, for awhile there, which worried me. I’m just grabbing things off the “recommended” shelf at the library (and out of the neighborhood little free library) and seeing what resonates. xo
I was wondering who would be the first to reference Sokie et al, but I’m forever married to the book series, not the tv. A great rabbit hole to fall into. And, Musette, by dear, if your OC is CA, I will lend you all my books! I’m just down the road! ?
LOL! My OC is a metaphor. I’m still here in Hooterville. As I was saying to March, I never saw the show but I inhaled the Sookie books when Harris first brought them out! Loved them! Eric was hotAF!
xoxo
The Q Continuum (profiled most wonderfully by John DeLancie) in Star Trek: Next Generation suffer the same thing. Eternity just seems… long.
I never saw the TrueBlood series but way before the series I inhaled the books!!! Loved them. Eric was FAB, though I always had a tendre for Sam Merlotte(werewolf). I think I have a preference for werewolves.
With a passel of kids I can imagine your caregiving days are over! Mine are, too. I just want to dance and smooch and possibly get laid. No HEAs for moi. That has been a bust for me a few too many times, thankyouverymuch:-)
I’m just glad to be reading again, period. Though I think I’m tiring of fluff. We’ll see…
xoxoxo