I love the story behind Grace Slick’s writing of the song White Rabbit. It’s a combo of deep psychedelia, intellectual engagement and unfettered creativity. Maybe have a watch of the Jefferson Airplane video at Woodstock to see what I mean.
I’m in a weird headspace after last week’s ‘significant’ birthday. Seriously, I’m really starting to feel untethered. Not in a bad way but certainly a sort of lack of not control but restraint seems to have set in. I discussed this with my yoga teach/masseuse when I saw her for myofascial release. She expressed amusement but not surprise, like she completely ‘got’ the idea. Which made me feel that some how I’d been missing something for years – like I needed to be untethered?
How’s this being expressed? Well, I’ve stopped worrying (for the moment?) if my guy doesn’t send work. I just do other things I’d really prefer to be doing anyway. I keep saying to myself that 1) it is important I continue to ‘work’ because I’m paying into National Insurance (like Social Security but broader) and I need to do that for another six years to reach 30 years for my state pension; and 2) I actually (having ditched the evil client at the end of last year) find the work I do interesting and engaging. But I just seem to have reached some sort of strange point of … I’m not sure how to describe it … wanting to drift?
Anyway, right now, I spend energy thinking about what I want to do when we’re in London in late March (“Is there an exhibition I want to see? Which shops might it be fun to nose through? Which exciting restaurants are calling… Do I simply want to wander aimlessly around central London?).
I trawl through the net looking for ‘things’ that look ‘interesting’. I search for Italian delis that are reasonably close to where we’ll be staying so I can bring cannoli back to this back of beyond place I live. I cannot tell you how much I hanker after cannoli … and smoked mozzarella … I have no desire to move but sometimes there are simply things I really want that I can’t have because of where I live.
Within this is a whole candle thing that is a bit out there. To the point where I emailed an online retailer asking for recommendations specifically for the blackest black tea scent they stock (no citrus, no bergamot) and things that smell of baking (this last one is related to no longer being able to get ahold of the Diptyque Biscuit candle, which I’ve become obsessed by).
All this sent me down the rabbit hole of candles I want but are no longer available.
I’m thinking of the long gone Annick Goutal Le Sac de Ma Mere smelling of a high-end leather handbag, cosmetics, perfume and cigarettes (this sent me thinking about handbags as well – love me a good handbag). Apparently, this disappeared when AG was purchased by a bigger, less idiosyncratic company. Who in their right mind would discontinue this sort of candle? I mean everyone and their sister does a citrus, a woodsmoke, a rose, etc, etc.
I’m thinking of Dans l’Atelier de Cezanne with its linseed, paint, turps fragrance.
I have an informal list full of things to be sniffed if I’m in the right place, including the Astier de Villatte Atelier de Balthus candle (maybe like the Cezanne but 5x as expensive) and the Byredo Chai candle (again, stupid money). I have this idea Liberty in London stocks both so maybe that’s a necessary stop in March (though when I went to Liberty in September all I wanted to do was leave – just sensory overload; it was really hot during that visit — maybe I’ll feel stronger this time? Or maybe that has to do with not being used to big city things any more… ).
I do expend this type of energy regarding perfumes sometimes, but the candle thing has been stronger off and on for the past couple of years. Is that related to Covid and enforced home-ness? Plus, I seem to be able to ‘find’ most of the perfume things I want even if I choose not to buy them (I had a back and forth with a friend who has a house in France about having a couple of the small-sized Tauer Sundowners sent to her and she could bring them to this country).
So, yeah, it’s all a bit of a not-very-worrying, abstracted tizz here with no end in sight… Not unpleasant at all but a bit like being Alice at the tea party.