When were you happiest?
This morning. Matt did something daft and silly and rude when I was momentarily out of the room. I returned to much merriment.
What is your greatest fear?
Losing my mental faculties and having moments of clarity where I’m fully aware it’s happening.
What is your earliest memory?
Falling onto a radiator edge and gashing open my head. But my mum tells me it wasn’t a radiator; it was a park bench. What does she know? I was one and a little bit.
Which living person do you most admire, and why?
Lots of people – those who get on quietly with their own apparently unremarkable lives, but who seem to touch others in exceptionally powerful ways. We all know simple human wonders like these.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Intellectual laziness (though deplore’s a bit harsh – see what I mean about approval seeking?).
Aside from a property, what’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever bought?
A car. I wanted to lie, but it’s often best to be prosaic.
What are your most treasured possessions?
My perfumes. And some rare plants in my garden.
Where would you like to live?
Some days Mendocino CA as it was a decade ago, some days the Costa de la Luz in southern Spain, but generally I’m content right here, right now.
What makes you depressed?
More things than there’s room to list here, if we mean a little bit grumpy. I’m easily begloomed. Properly depressed? I’ve never got to the bottom of it.
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
In the past, as a child, my moles: once, on holiday, a small boy standing behind me in an ice cream queue asked his mum why I had brown dots all over me. He had revulsion in his voice (or so I thought). Nowadays the hard skin I battle with on my feet.
What is your most unappealing habit?
Finding farts immensely entertaining and using them as musical arrangements.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Matt – undoubtedly.
What does love feel like?
It’s ineffable. And never twee.
Who would play you in the film of your life?
I hope it could be William Shatner.
What is the worst thing anyone’s ever said to you?
People have always been very kind to my face.
What is your fancy-dress costume of choice?
Have you ever said ‘I love you’ without meaning it?
Of course – especially to a bottle of perfume.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
‘The key thing is…’
To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?
Trevor Jones. I ruined his new felt tip pens when I was 10 – on purpose. And a boy called Robert – I’m too embarrassed to explain why. I was a bully.
Who would you invite to your dream dinner party?
All the Perfumeposse team and the lovely commenters. Seriously. We’d also have eye-candy waiters. Why not?
What is the worst job you’ve ever done?
Drilling minute holes into the interior plastic frames of car doors so that their material coating wouldn’t bubble when it was applied. I broke a drill bit for every other hole I drilled. And there was a £1 000 000 machine that was supposed to do it anyway. Soul sucking servitude.
What has been your biggest disappointment?
Most perfume releases. However, one or two make up for it, and then some.
If you could edit your past, what would you change?
Nothing. I tend not to think like that – there lies madness. I’ve done some dodgy and risky stuff I’m not proud of though. I was lucky.
How often do you have sex?
Nobody’s interested in this question, surely.
What is the closest you’ve come to death?
Pneumonia and pleurisy, September 05. It was touch and go for a short while.
What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
An energy injection every morning.
What song would you like played at your funeral?
“I’ve Never Been to Me” by Charlene (joke).
How would you like to be remembered?
As someone who smelled better alive than dead.
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Nice guys and gals don’t often finish first but they jolly well ought to.
Where would you most like to be right now?
Guerlain, Champs-à‰lysées, Paris.
Tell us a joke.
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum? Warren (apologies to Patty’s DH).
(Shatner c/o http://kotaku.com)