Does this App Make My Butt Look Big? And other foolishness and a draw

sorry – no perfume right now.  All I’m wearing is Avon’s Skin So Soft and Cutter’s (on my hair and ankles).  Instead, I wanna talkabout Apps and The Internet.

O.M.G.  You guys.  The Internet.  It is a marvel of technology, a thing of beauty, bringing people together, blahblahblah.

Without the internet, I would be writing this on foolscap, with a quill pen.  Or not at all.

So I ‘get’ the Internet.  And, more often than not, I love the Internet.

But every now and then, the insanity of what it has done to my life rears its ugly head, sez ‘hold my beer’, and shows me just how ridiculous it can be.

Walk with me.  Or, in this case, sit on your butt and do foolish things.   Like:  so, I was getting ready to mail a package to a friend out East.  I thought I had her address memorized, was Very Nearly Sure I did, but if I get it wrong the USPS will send it right back here and I’ll have to pay another $12.43 to get it back to the correct address.  So.  I was going to get up and check my address book…which was less than 4 feet away…but my butt seemed to be glued to the chair and I could not tear my eyes from the monitor for anything.

So what did I do?  I GoogleMapped her house!  Yes.  Yes. I. Did.  Which would’ve been fine, except I had the wrong house number.  I’d conflated her address with a friend out West, both numbers having  8s and 1s .

So what did I do then?  Did I get up and walk the FOUR FEET to the address book?  Newp!  Sho’ din’t.  I actually clicked/dragged the 4 blocks on the street UNTIL I CAME TO HER HOUSE!  at which point I read the address on the front of the house and boom!  Box in the mail.  the sheer laziness of that took my breath away.  Except I was still sitting down, so it wasn’t like I was breathing hard or anything! 😉

More Foolishness –  why go to my recipe binders, where all the recipes are already printed out and put in their respective places (‘sweet’ ‘savory’ ‘bread’ ‘cocktails’)…..hey!  I know!  I’ll just look up the PERSACK SAME RECIPE ON THE INTERNET, PRINT IT OUT, and take it to the kitchen, where it will sit, not 5 feet from the already printed out recipe IN THE BINDER.

I am foolish.  I am also lazy AF, it seems.

I also get a big thrill out of looking at photos of things I already possess in real life.  Sometimes things I can go to, irl, and TOUCH, somehow often have more ‘realness’ about them, when viewed on a monitor.  I am hoping there is some sort of Foolishness Syndrome I am currently prey to…Photo Foolishness Syndrome?  Googleitis?

case in point: I haz it. but I still like looking at my online picture of it – makes it realer than the IRL actual book.  Which is crazy.

Such is the power of the World Wide Weirdness.  And a printer.  I guess.  I try not to think too hard about that stuff because it is embarrassing.

On the flip side, I refuse to use a GPS, unless I absolutely have to – I have come within a hair’s breadth of being launched into the Mississippi River by a vengeful TomTom (Garmin’s tacky cousin) and omg…the depths of depravity that Miss Garmin herself will take you, when all you want to do is run the river back down to Dubuque.  Whereas a paper map doesn’t lie – it shows you the entire route in one fell swoop and leaves it up to you to decide whether or not you know which direction South is (hint:  it’s down ).  Paper maps have an implied contract:  don’t start none, won’t be none.  A Gazetteer is even better but that’s for meandering.  Garmins are not made for meandering.  And they parse out intel like a stingy aunt parses out Halloween candy.  Plus, when Skynet becomes fully sentient it will have us all launched into the Mississippi River, so knowing how to read a map and know where South is will hold you in good stead.  Just sayin’.

I now use the alarm app on my phone (I used to use Google Alarm but it’s Chrome now and there are SO many complaints, so I’s skeert). I will allow myself to sit for 18 minutes (some study showed that sitting for longer than 19 minutes changes how your body processes cortisol – or something like that.  Even just standing up at the 18-19 minute mark allows your body to reset itself.  I think.  Can’t find the study and I am NOT going to sit here for an hour looking for it because 18 minutes! 😉

I’m back to using the OED instead of an online dictionary – Urban Dictionary doesn’t count because I don’t think my printed OED has ‘woke’ or ‘hella’ or ‘bye, Felicia’ therein.

 

Mostly I do whatever I can to force my foolish self to get up out of this chair and away from the monitor!

How did this happen?  What ‘hold’ does this new technology have on me that I can’t get up out of the chair without an active prompt?  Please tell me I’m not the only one.  If I am the only one, LIE TO ME!  Make up a funny Internet story – I promise to get The Girl to poke a pawnail and pull a winner or two!

 

okay – I’mo get off here and go kill some more Japanese Beetles.  In. Real. Life. (or Death.   for them) – they are trying to eat my sunflowers!

Not today, beetles

 

22 Comments

  1. Can’t say I’ve utilized Google maps in the same way to find an address but I do love having the exact same contact data available on my phone and laptop. Has saved me many times. Same with my calendar and being able to see my husband’s as well. I wonder how my husband ever bought anything in the past without checkout a gazillion reviews on a bazillion different web sites. We were in a store with the item in the cart when he said, hmmm, I wonder what the reviews are for this. For Pete’s sake, it’s a GARDEN HOSE!

    • omg. are you sure we aren’t married to the same man? 😉 xoxoxo

  2. LOL Musette, I was laughing so hard while reading your post. I could recognize myself almost all the way! I have at least two apps on my cell phone for the same purpose like recognizing music, weather forecasts, even a simple torch. The cell phone had a torch app built in when I bought it but no, I needed a “better one”. I always check the weather on three different apps, etc…sheer madness.

    • You and El O! I am ready for the Medal of Honor because I now know how to clear my apps (drives my BFF crazy ‘why do have ALL THESE APPS OPEN???’ me: ‘huh? what apps!’). Meanwhile y’all are going Next Gen every 21 days! lol!

      xoxoxo

  3. That happens to me regularly, I get reading on the ipad and can’t get myself up off the couch for anything, will even put of trips to the bathroom until I can’t any more. It’s a disease!

    • lol! I know! I’m the same with Acorn/Netflix. As if ‘pause’ doesn’t exist! xoxoxo

  4. Nope, you’re not the only one! I do most of my shopping online, rarely actually go into a store. The best yet; My grocery store has “ClickList.” I grocery shop in bed on my computer with my coffee, and drive up to retrieve my groceries later in the day at my selected time. It’s awesome! They do the shopping for me and put in my car! I believe it actually saves me money; I don’t add random items to my cart I don’t need because “it’s on sale” or I’m hungry. And, does anyone text or call people in the house because it’s easier than getting up to go talk to them? Oh my!

    • I don’t ‘clicklist’ because I really enjoy grocery shopping but! I remember the first time I got a text from El O – from 2 rooms away – I was enraged! Then I did it, myself! Omg. It’s come to that! 😉

      xoxoxo

  5. Our family of four — two middle aged, and two young adults — all have smart phones, and we text within the house. Like DD will text me to make her a cup of tea if she can hear that I am rustling around with the electric tea kettle in the kitchen, which is right under her room. 🙂 It’s actually very handy. I can call my DH up from his man cave when it’s time for dinner, too, via text. I hear you on the craziness of the GPS, Musette. Our GPS doesn’t understand the tangled mess of “spaghetti” that is the Washington DC beltway, so we ignore her voice from time to time. Also, her pronunciation of Massachusetts (for Mass. Ave.) sends us into gales of laughter. So there is a bit of entertainment value! 😉

    • omg! we do a bit of that, too – and it both amuses and terrifies me. Like, are we going to get to the point where we forget how to actually SPEAK? I do wonder….then I text him to let him know X, when he’s 2 rooms away – and I laugh at my own insanity!

      I ignore the hell out of the GPS, especially when I know persackly where I’m going and I believe she is trying to lure me to my doom.

      xoxoxo

  6. Hilarious post! Also, death to Japanese beetles! The weird thing about Internet and perfume, specifically, is that it both opens up access to perfume, yet still doesn’t let you actually experience it.

    • those effin’ beetles. I get such JOY from killing them. now watch them hold the cure for some horrible disease. But until that is proven, I’mo keep on murderizin’ them! xoxo

  7. This reminds me of a story someone told me of attending a birthday party via Google maps – he wasn’t sure he actually wanted to go to the bar so he looked it up on google maps, clicked his way into the bar, and then decided that was enough! I am assuming this reflects both his motivation to move and also how he felt about this particular friend 🙂

    • Omg. I nearly choked, laughing! I think I love him! xoxo

  8. I hope the laughing I did while sitting on my butt reading this will somehow counteract the negative effects of the butt sitting!
    I rely on google maps but I’m still wary (I’ve been led astray a time or two). My husband is the tech wizard in our house and when we lived in S. Korea (we’re Americans) he would map my shopping out for me: the walking path to the subway system and then from my exit to whichever place I was looking for in Seoul. Even so, the buildings were often chock full of stores above and below street level so it was still challenging to find the right place even from the right doorstep! It always worked beautifully there which led me to believe that they do a better job of maps and coordinates there.

    • I could see the necessity in that, especially if you don’t want to end up living in that store! 😉

      xoxo

  9. I do love being able to find information, or false information as the case may be sometimes, so quickly. I hate that I do find myself sitting more.
    I have a built in GPS in my car and it’s mostly worthwhile. I haven’t updated the maps in it in at least a decade. I do miss the paper maps we used to get at AAA, but I don’t miss the overstuffed map pocket because we had a state map and then regional maps and then maps for all the cities that ring the bay area where we live, plus city maps for SD and LA and suburbs in SoCal.
    I need to try that timer trick. I think my Dear Husband also read that same study so he’s always nagging me not to sit.

    • apparently you don’t have to do a lot – just standing up helps!!! Omg. Remember the old Thomas Map books? Essential for LA. If I still were there, I would probably still have one, Just In Case 😉 xoxo

  10. It’s very addicting, the internet, and what’s worse it’s a horrible stealer of time. But do we stop? Nope. I feel bad for the younger generation. They are especially glued and they’ll end up missing a lot of real life things and that’s a shame.
    And I don’t have a smart phone so I write down directions on paper lol.

    • Even with a smartphone I still write down directions. Just In Case. xoxoxo

  11. I am old fashioned in that I still print out directions from mapquest…my kids make fun of me for doing this. I do spend a bit of time on the computer but I think my TV addiction is much worse (or so says my hubby)….I binge watch shows!

  12. Am definitely guilty of emailing colleagues right next door to me, especially since one is extra-cranky. Don’t have a printer at home so I do get up to find a pen on occasion.

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