sorry – no perfume right now. All I’m wearing is Avon’s Skin So Soft and Cutter’s (on my hair and ankles). Instead, I wanna talkabout Apps and The Internet.
O.M.G. You guys. The Internet. It is a marvel of technology, a thing of beauty, bringing people together, blahblahblah.
Without the internet, I would be writing this on foolscap, with a quill pen. Or not at all.
So I ‘get’ the Internet. And, more often than not, I love the Internet.
But every now and then, the insanity of what it has done to my life rears its ugly head, sez ‘hold my beer’, and shows me just how ridiculous it can be.
Walk with me. Or, in this case, sit on your butt and do foolish things. Like: so, I was getting ready to mail a package to a friend out East. I thought I had her address memorized, was Very Nearly Sure I did, but if I get it wrong the USPS will send it right back here and I’ll have to pay another $12.43 to get it back to the correct address. So. I was going to get up and check my address book…which was less than 4 feet away…but my butt seemed to be glued to the chair and I could not tear my eyes from the monitor for anything.
So what did I do? I GoogleMapped her house! Yes. Yes. I. Did. Which would’ve been fine, except I had the wrong house number. I’d conflated her address with a friend out West, both numbers having 8s and 1s .
So what did I do then? Did I get up and walk the FOUR FEET to the address book? Newp! Sho’ din’t. I actually clicked/dragged the 4 blocks on the street UNTIL I CAME TO HER HOUSE! at which point I read the address on the front of the house and boom! Box in the mail. the sheer laziness of that took my breath away. Except I was still sitting down, so it wasn’t like I was breathing hard or anything! 😉
More Foolishness – why go to my recipe binders, where all the recipes are already printed out and put in their respective places (‘sweet’ ‘savory’ ‘bread’ ‘cocktails’)…..hey! I know! I’ll just look up the PERSACK SAME RECIPE ON THE INTERNET, PRINT IT OUT, and take it to the kitchen, where it will sit, not 5 feet from the already printed out recipe IN THE BINDER.
I am foolish. I am also lazy AF, it seems.
I also get a big thrill out of looking at photos of things I already possess in real life. Sometimes things I can go to, irl, and TOUCH, somehow often have more ‘realness’ about them, when viewed on a monitor. I am hoping there is some sort of Foolishness Syndrome I am currently prey to…Photo Foolishness Syndrome? Googleitis?
Such is the power of the World Wide Weirdness. And a printer. I guess. I try not to think too hard about that stuff because it is embarrassing.
On the flip side, I refuse to use a GPS, unless I absolutely have to – I have come within a hair’s breadth of being launched into the Mississippi River by a vengeful TomTom (Garmin’s tacky cousin) and omg…the depths of depravity that Miss Garmin herself will take you, when all you want to do is run the river back down to Dubuque. Whereas a paper map doesn’t lie – it shows you the entire route in one fell swoop and leaves it up to you to decide whether or not you know which direction South is (hint: it’s down ). Paper maps have an implied contract: don’t start none, won’t be none. A Gazetteer is even better but that’s for meandering. Garmins are not made for meandering. And they parse out intel like a stingy aunt parses out Halloween candy. Plus, when Skynet becomes fully sentient it will have us all launched into the Mississippi River, so knowing how to read a map and know where South is will hold you in good stead. Just sayin’.
I now use the alarm app on my phone (I used to use Google Alarm but it’s Chrome now and there are SO many complaints, so I’s skeert). I will allow myself to sit for 18 minutes (some study showed that sitting for longer than 19 minutes changes how your body processes cortisol – or something like that. Even just standing up at the 18-19 minute mark allows your body to reset itself. I think. Can’t find the study and I am NOT going to sit here for an hour looking for it because 18 minutes! 😉
I’m back to using the OED instead of an online dictionary – Urban Dictionary doesn’t count because I don’t think my printed OED has ‘woke’ or ‘hella’ or ‘bye, Felicia’ therein.
Mostly I do whatever I can to force my foolish self to get up out of this chair and away from the monitor!
How did this happen? What ‘hold’ does this new technology have on me that I can’t get up out of the chair without an active prompt? Please tell me I’m not the only one. If I am the only one, LIE TO ME! Make up a funny Internet story – I promise to get The Girl to poke a pawnail and pull a winner or two!
okay – I’mo get off here and go kill some more Japanese Beetles. In. Real. Life. (or Death. for them) – they are trying to eat my sunflowers!