Scents That Are Emotional Armor, Or Emotional Swords

dontWell, it’s been a pretty crazy few weeks here in Lake Woebegon, as you all know. Faceplant on Santa Monica that made for a bloody nose. A trip to “Urgent Care” where I was told that yes, I did have a slight concussion, so I should take some over-the-counter pain meds and “take it easy” (Damn, I guess that exhibition of my trapeze skills I was going to perform over the 405 at rush hour will just have to be postponed..) A constant parade of electricians, contractors, plumbers et all trying to get the hovel into shape, and all of them “personalities” (why is it seemingly every person in Hollywood who is not me seems to be trying for a sitcom as the wacky neighbor? A sitcom that runs only in their head and never gets picked up, and yet never cancelled?) It all came to a head the other day when my (very nice and fatherly and yes he meant it from the heart and not as a dig) paint contractor said, upon seeing me in my jammies and with the coffee still brewing since he was an hour and a half early for a meeting asked “What happened to your face?” I just said “you’re early” rather than adding “because I’m in my mid-fifties, I haven’t had my coffee or my breakfast much less had the chance to take my shower, shave, cleanse, exfoliate, buff it all out and apply the sealer because you decided to show up at THE A$$ CRACK OF DAWN!!!”

Now some days, I just want to respond to this by dousing myself with something comforting like Lostmarc’h Lann Ael, taking to my sofa with a good book and a cup of cocoa. But some days you just need to grab something that reads “DON’T F$%K WITH ME FELLAHS!”

So I decided to hell with it and grabbed the Muscs Kublai Khan. Now I find this, one of Uncle Serge’s most notorious scents to be as warm and cuddly as a purring puddy-tat, with it’s notes of rose and musk. But I know every once in a while even on me it reads as “Why yes, I have just boinked a horde of Mongols into exhausted submission and still haven’t disturbed the crease in my chinos. You think you have something for me? Bring it..”

So, what you do wear when you feel like tearing the world a little bit of a new one? Let us know in the comments.

Image: YouTube

  • Eloquaint says:

    That sounds awful. If it makes you feel any better, I once broke my nose with my own knee.

    When I need people to f*ck off, I wear Obsession, or Chanel Pour Homme. Men’s scents on a woman are KILLER.

  • FeralJasmine says:

    When I want to establish that I absolutely will not be messed with, vintage Fracas does the trick. I might use the original version of Boucheron to test the waters and see if a reasonable compromise can be worked out, but if it can’t, the eye-crossing and elevator-clearing Empress Tuberose herself comes into play. I use only a touch, just enough to hint that I might spray more if provoked…

  • teri says:

    Horrors! Morning people. I’ve been forced to be an early bird-worm type while serving corporate America, but it has never been by choice. Civilized humans begin the day at 10 am. Period. If someone invaded my environment when I was either ill or recouperating, invited or not, I think it would be perfectly acceptable to blast them with whatever sillage monster or cumin beast I had available.

    I’ve worked for many years in a very Byzantine environment, where men are manly and women should be taking dictation. So when I need to gird my loins to do battle with the manly men, I break out Serge’s Gris Clair. It’s the olfactory equivalent of adding a ramrod to my spine.

    Hope your recovery is going very well.

  • KimB says:

    agree with rosatira313 & SublimiSomnium – Chanel No 19 and an icy stare!
    and it has to be parfum extrait for true intimidation!

  • eldarwen22 says:

    I’m happy to see that you are on the mend. It’s scary when people are over and redoing something in your house. We are about to have our kitchen gutted and remodeled so it’s going to be boat loads of Mitsouko or no 19. My people clearing perfume when I am not at work is vintage Bal since it’s so slutty. My work one is Deneuve.

  • nebbe says:

    Sorry you’ve been on a bit of a roller coaster. You smell intimidating!

  • Suzanne says:

    Definitely Bandit!

  • mikasminion says:

    I’m sure it depends on my mood, but No. 5 is my spine-straightening scent when I can’t decide. Others off the top of my head are Coven (green spiky armor), Lil (that odd lemony scent keeps people at arms length), Musc Tonkin (because musk), Nanban, or Rien. Apparently aldehydes, pepper, musk, and sharp green notes toughen me up. Tropic of Capricorn can be worn in any situation for me too, and when I just feel like the superbitch version of myself I apply a heavier dose than usual or layer it with musk of some kind.

  • Kismet429 says:

    Seconding Nemo’s comment above, because I love this idea. I think of certain perfumes as body armor, usually when I need to project my grown-up lady persona in a professional setting. Then I usually resort to the Guerlain classics, namely L’Heure Bleue, Vol de Nuit, or Sous le Vent. Or for a non-work situation, a heavy-hitting patch like Borneo 1834 or the one from Profumum Roma. Gr-r-r-r-r-r-r!

    • Kismet429 says:

      Or, in reply to myself (not an unusual occurrence, BTW), if I REALLY want to clear a path, CdG Avignon is the ticket. A robust spritz of that stuff could stun a musk ox at 30 yards.

  • LaDona says:

    I’m so glad you are recovering! My mom fell and broke her knee, and right before I headed to the hospital to see her, I grabbed my Odori Tabacco, and put it all over me. I find it incredibly comforting…When I want to engage in a little bad-assery, Musc Ravageur is my olfactory warning to get out of my way. When tempting the hubby into some heathen mischief, I’d have to say Ava Luxe Rasa or, my hoarded sample of Madame X. X may be the sexiest perfume I own.

  • Kandice says:

    This was hilarious, although I’m sorry for all you’ve been through lately. I don’t have any sword or armor scents but given my own stress levels lately I think I need to find some! Hopefully I’ll find some good suggestions here. Thanks for starting the discussion and feel better soon!

  • Angelique says:

    I usually just use nutmeg, neat.
    But I AM going to check on a perfume with main base of mace, now that you mention it. That should do it.

  • Nemo says:

    I love this theme ūüôā I think my don’t-give-an- f*** perfume is TDC Rose Poivree. Sure, maybe I smell like I need a shower, but I smell great and everyone else can get used to it!

  • SublimiSomnium says:

    Interesting post! Glad everything is mendable and you are healing alright, though the stress from contractors probably isn’t helping. I have 2 types of don’t-mess-with-me fragrances:
    1) Ice queen – icy glares abound – Chanel No. 19 or Gucci Envy
    2) Toxic – best to avoid me (usually when I need to simultaneously be comforted but not approachable) – Dior Eau Sauvage EDP or Dior Poison

  • HeidiC says:

    Glad you’re feeling well enough to be ornery! My favorite battle-gear is Papillon’s Salome or one of Germaine Cellier’s concoctions, all of which are pretty fierce — especially Bandit or Fracas.

  • Millicent says:

    Bond No. 9 Silver Factory. The weird metallic note makes my average-middle-aged-lady persona seem a little less docile. I hope.

  • rosarita313 says:

    Glad to see you back! My personal armor is Chanel 19 combined with an icy stare, or just my own natural resting b*tch face.

  • AnnieA says:

    Nobody messes with Rien.

  • bevfred says:

    My favorite bit of armor is Aromatics Elixir. You must be feeling better because you’re getting annoyed!

  • Bee says:

    For going to battle the original Alfred Sung is a beast that can happily trample people and leave destruction in it’s sillage but for a pleasing boost on limp days Cinnabar or Coco does the job.

  • Portia says:

    Excellent story Tom,
    Glad to see you on the mend.
    Fendi (the original) or Youth Dew are pretty good for clearing a path, and peoples sinus. A good quintuple spritz of Shalimar will also cause minor befuddlement in adversaries.
    He He he
    Portia xxx