We’re usually pretty lighthearted here on the Posse and I’m glad of it – the world sucks enough without us adding our mite to it. But sometimes Life intervenes and we have to discuss Other Things. Poor Tom is facing a situation right now that befalls us all at some time or another – the sudden death of a beloved friend. Which is why ’tis I, Musette, back here to torment you. Can/may we talk about this for a minute? Death is one of those bizarre conundrums – in fact it is THE bizarre conundrum. Few of us (in the West, anyway) really like to discuss it – yet it is one of those things we cannot get out of. I used to be wary as hell about it – it only happened to Old People (in my fortunate life, anyway). And then. Blammo! I got Old, meself. And suddenly it was happening all around me. Not daily, of course, but. It Happens. Sometimes it gives you fair warning (as in the case of my sister’s passing) and sometimes it falls out of the sky and slaps you with its razor-wings, as happened to Tom. Either way, it hurts. And as I am fortunate to get older I am sure it will happen a whole lot more – until it happens to me. Then I’m out of the game and y’all can continue this conversation without my sassy self – and that will be fine. What I’ve noticed, though, is that as I continue to age I fear death a whole lot less – like most sentient beings what I do fear is pain or a real diminution of ‘self’. But we are not going there today – we are going to talk about the ubiquitous Bucket List and/or Ways to Go – as in What would you like to be doing. Awhile back a friend said he would like to die having just sunk a birdie (what the hell is a birdie) on the golf course in Florida – and damned if he didn’t do just that! Not the birdie but he dropped stone-dead on some hole at his golf course in Florida! My goal for my dad was that he pop off, having just won big at the craps table – that didn’t happen but he had a quiet, peaceful passing, having had his favorite meal of frog legs just a few days before the giant stroke that felled him.
I think what most of us want is not to feel remorse at having lived an unfulfilled life. When I was in my 20s – heck, probably through my late 40s – my idea of a fulfilled life was largely materialistic – I looked upon my sizeable house, my flash car, my trips….and I saw myself as fulfilled. Ha. There was so much angst, emptiness and anxiety attached to that but I was too young to realize it. Part of it was this desperation to LIVE. But what did that mean?
Recently Patty, March and I were passing Cheyenne Mountain/NORAD and I remarked ‘hell – come Armageddon you are definitely going in a flash. March said ‘I’m in DC. I’m gone in a flash, too’. They both turned and looked at me with pity and said ‘you poor thing’ (cause I live at the back of beyond). I was all ‘nooooo! I wanna go in a flash! just having eaten the world’s most perfect chocolate cake, at Graff, while trying on the most perfect emerald-cut diamonds in existence!!!’ ‘Sorry, Charlie. You gets to stay’. ‘nooooooo! I don’t want to fight Jeffrey Dean Morgan in a Nuclear Winter. Noooooo!’.
I can’t imagine thinking that when I was 20.
Anyhoo, this isn’t meant to be a downer post – I just wanted to reflect on what it means to me now. And what I want to leave behind as my legacy. And what I want to do before I leave my legacy behind. I thought it would be that whole ‘fame/fortune’ thing – but you know what? It seems to me that the people who really impact us the most do mostly everyday acts of fabulousness! like…giving us a smile, listening to us yammer on when we are scared to death and scared to death to show it (but they know – and so they let us yammer on). That guy you see who always helps that old lady cross the street. Your 5th grade teacher. Your kid’s 5th grade teacher. The woman down the road who welcomed you to a new (and somewhat closed) place. The person who lets you really breathe. I want to be That Person.
omg. this really is a downer post, innit? Well, let’s lift it up a bit – I wanna eat DARK CHOCOLATE GANACHE CAKE, right before I pop off, okay? I think I want to be in Amouage Gold or vinty No5, Alde-ho that I am. I want it to be early Summer and I want to see my lilies bloom, if that’s okay. I would like to be old and in good health. Diamonds would be a plus (because Sparkle) but not a necessity. Alone or with loved ones – either way is fine with me. But not at the grocery store, okay? The floors always skeeve me out (something about the high-gloss varnish on old lino) and I just know there are bugs under those shelves.
But I WANT THAT CAKE!
(I think I should go bake now, don’t you? I’ve been on about that cake for the past 4 days!)
Y’all don’t have to talk about Death. Just lmk what’s on your mind! I’ll send a few folks a li’l sumpin-sumpin’. The armoire is still full! And messy!
xoxoxoxoA – and don’t forget to tell folks you love them – and let yourselves be loved, too. You are certainly loved by me!