I am so off track this week. LOTS of changes afoot (at work, and some complicated moving plans — details to follow.) It’s all … going to be great eventually, I think. Really. Just not able to go into details yet.
Lila (my ancient, beloved poodle) died last Thursday, very early in the morning, right there in bed next to me. It was a gentle passing, and she was very old so while I can’t say it was shocking, well… of course it still broke my heart. I was her person. She’d been slowly slipping further into dementia (particularly after I almost lost her after her stroke last fall) and I knew that at some point, I might be making that hard decision about whether she was still enjoying her life enough. She relieved me of that decision. We’d had a lovely last day together — she was particularly present and playful, one of her “good” days. I’ve spent the last five days being mostly functional, punctuated by those wild bursts of sobbing at the little firsts — the first time I came home and she wasn’t there to greet me. The first evening, when I fed Stanley his dinner and not her. You know what I mean. We buried her under the magnolia in the back yard. She was so tiny, it wasn’t a hard hole to dig.
I’ve been waking up very early. Yesterday morning I was packing up books and I was listening to Joni Mitchell’s Blue, quietly, downstairs. I’ve been listening to that album … since it came out, probably. Anyway, you know how you can hear a song and depending on what’s going on in your life, the lyrics hit you a certain way in that moment? So I’m sure Joni’s singing about some ex on A Case of You but I heard the lyrics and thought about Lila.
You said, “Love is touching souls.”
Surely you touched mine.
‘Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time.
You taste so bitter and so sweet.
Oh, I could drink a case of you, darling
And still I’d be on my feet