A Case of You

I am so off track this week.  LOTS of changes afoot (at work, and some complicated moving plans — details to follow.)  It’s all … going to be great eventually, I think.  Really.  Just not able to go into details yet.

Lila (my ancient, beloved poodle) died last Thursday, very early in the morning, right there in bed next to me.  It was a gentle passing, and she was very old so while I can’t say it was shocking, well… of course it still broke my heart.  I was her person.  She’d been slowly slipping further into dementia (particularly after I almost lost her after her stroke last fall) and I knew that at some point, I might be making that hard decision about whether she was still enjoying her life enough. She relieved me of that decision.  We’d had a lovely last day together — she was particularly present and playful, one of her “good” days.  I’ve spent the last five days being mostly functional, punctuated by those wild bursts of sobbing at the little firsts — the first time I came home and she wasn’t there to greet me.  The first evening, when I fed Stanley his dinner and not her.  You know what I mean.  We buried her under the magnolia in the back yard.  She was so tiny, it wasn’t a hard hole to dig.

I’ve been waking up very early.  Yesterday morning I was packing up books and I was listening to Joni Mitchell’s Blue, quietly, downstairs.  I’ve been listening to that album … since it came out, probably.  Anyway, you know how you can hear a song and depending on what’s going on in your life, the lyrics hit you a certain way in that moment?  So I’m sure Joni’s singing about some ex on A Case of You but I heard the lyrics and thought about Lila.

I remember that time you told me
You said, “Love is touching souls.”
Surely you touched mine.
‘Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time.
Oh, you’re in my blood like holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet.
Oh, I could drink a case of you, darling
And still I’d be on my feet
It’s kind of astonishing, really, the way we choose to set ourselves up for that kind of heartbreak, in exchange for that kind of love.  To allow ourselves to love another being like that, knowing that eventually we will lose them.  I know it will get easier.  But right now, I just miss her.


  • Tigs says:

    Very sorry to hear about Lila. But what a beautiful spot you chose for burying her. Hugs to you, the twins and Stanley.

  • HeidiC says:

    Oh, March. I’m so sorry. But so grateful you were Lila’s person and got to be with her as she passed over.

  • Pam says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss, March.

  • Dina C. says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences to you on Lila’s passing. What a lucky creature she was to have you, and to pass in the love and security of home.

  • Jennifer S says:

    So sorry to hear. Isn’t it something special how our pets can fill the places in our hearts that humans can’t?!

  • Koyel says:

    Oh March, I’m so sorry to read this. I’m glad you got so many good years with her.

  • VerbenaLuvvr says:

    They give us all their love and though it is often only for a brief time, they make such a wonderful impact on our lives. I’m so grateful for all the pets who have been a part of my family through the years. We are sorry to hear that you have lost your beloved companion.

  • Eldarwen22 says:

    Today is 3 years to the day that I had to put down one of my puppies. It doesn’t matter how old they get, they will always be a puppy. It’s really hard when one dies. Sorry for your loss.

  • Patty says:

    Oh, I am so sorry! Big hugs. We all know it is coming, and we think we are ready, but you aren’t, it just hurts to have a beloved daily companion gone. Blue is the perfect album for everything. xoxo

  • carole says:

    I’m so very sorry for your loss. It’s awful that pets have such short lives-but the thinking is that they get it right. I’m glad you had a spot for her in your yard-my mom’s favourite cat is buried at my place. I hope over time some of the pain eases. Look after yourself.
    Yours truly,

  • Kathleen says:

    I’m very sorry for your loss March. May your heart with time be filled with loving fond memories. Our precious fur babies take a piece of us with them till we meet again.

  • crikey says:

    I’m so very sorry for your loss, of your much loved old girl.

  • Queen-Cupcake says:

    Sorry about Lila, March. I know about those moments, as anyone who has lost a dear companion. A Case of You has particular and sad memories for me but it remains one of my favorite songs. My garden was recently graced with another dear feline friend’s remains. The pain is still sharp but aren’t we lucky to have loved them? Have to go now, and have a little cry. Hugs for you, XOX

  • Cinnamon says:

    I’m so very sorry about Lila, March. I expect she knew she was well loved. Burying her near the magnolia seems so right.

  • Debby says:

    Oh, I so understand and I’m so glad you were with her. I still miss our sweet, gentle, wonderful, golden retriever who passed away two summers ago. It was hard the last year, watching her fade. I want another dog, but haven’t been able to face that painful part yet. She enriched our lives so much just as Lila blessed yours. May your heart heal and just remember her with a smile and love. Very soon, I will get another.

  • Maya says:

    It breaks my heart to hear this and then brings tears to my eyes remembering my losses too. I think – never again. Then some special beastie shows up in my life again. I think ultimately the love and the blessing we’re gifted with is worth it. Take good care of yourself March.

  • shiva-woman says:

    I am so sorry for your loss; it just hurts, hurts, hurts. I do believe that whomever/whatever we love, somehow our spirits will join we leave this lovely earth.

  • Tara C says:

    Aww, I’m so sorry for your loss. Our furry friends are so precious and sweet, it’s hard to say goodbye. I love that Joni Mitchell song too, I have the version by k.d. lang on her album Hymns of the 49th Parallel. Love is definitely touching souls.

  • Ann says:

    I’m so sorry March! Hugs.

  • Portia says:

    Love you March.
    Portia x

  • Calrayo says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Dogs are such wonderful creatures.

  • Musette says:

    Oh, my sweet sister.

    You gave that little, weird-assed rhino such a wonderful life. She thought the world of you . Loved you as much as you loved her. xoxox

  • Carlene says:

    I’m so sorry. I lost my little girly in December (it feels like yesterday), and I’m still not myself.

  • Rina says:

    I’m so sorry, March. It will be a year since my Scottie, Cody Maverick, passed and you never not miss them. Have you heard Diana Krall sing that in concert (it’s on YT). It’s also beautiful. Hugs to you, my friend.

  • Janet in California says:

    So sorry for your loss, March. I know that pain too well. You were so lucky to have each other. ?