So. I knew this time was coming. My TGirl has left the building. She’s hanging out with my mom and all the dogs who need a mom – and they are fine. Every one of them is fine.
I am not so fine.
I’ll be fine, though. I just need to give myself a little bit of time to adjust. It’s funny how grief sneaks up on you – and it’s so often the little things that trip you up – like pizza crusts (I don’t eat the crust and there was this weird moment when I couldn’t figure out what to do with them!). There was a beautiful, glancing light yesterday – the kind you can only see on a day close to Autumn, as we slowly start to turn inward. I used to love the idea of us walking back to the house in that glancing light – and it was all I could do not to fall completely apart. We’ll never experience that light together again – not on this plane, anyway.
I miss her.
But I don’t miss that she was rapidly declining. I provided my last, best service and let her go before it became untenable. I made it be About Her – and in the end, that’s all any of us can really do. That, right there? That is the last, best service. Duty and honor, discharged.
It happened quickly (as in it was unplanned) so I didn’t get a chance to have her poke a pawnail. Could I ask your indulgence and get the winners announced at next post? I would like to say I’m much stronger than this post would indicate – but I would be lying. I mostly just want to sleep. I know there’s another predatory wackadoo out there who will need my particular brand of mom-ing but that will have to wait for a bit. This one took a lot out of me.
I wore Beloved by Amouage. It was definitely a choice. I wanted something that spoke to my heart and Beloved was that perfume. It gave me a lot of peace as I held her and stroked her and watched her take her last breaths. Christopher Chong has a very strong affinity for dogs and while Beloved wasn’t a dog-focused scent, like some of his candles (which he created in honor of his own, late dogs), somehow the smell of it relaxed me and gave me strength.
However, I am not feeling very strong right now – mostly just want to take a nap.
She loved you guys, you know… she got such a kick out of the whole ‘pawnail’ thing. She sends her love. I do, too!