Yesterday was Best Valentine’s Day Gifts. Lovely! But what if you really, truly HATE the holiday? And you’re not content to hate in silence and solitude? You want to let your SO, your friends, your coworkers, your ex, the dog …heck, you want to let Everybody know persackly how you feel? What are the Best Valentine’s Day Gifts for (or from) The Hater?
Let’s start with candy. I would say that anybody who knows me and still would get me a Whitman’s Sampler box..well you hate me well and truly. I’m not a chocolate snob – I can wipe out a bag of Hershey’s Kisses before you can finish reading this post – but I confess to hating 90% of all other milk chocolate and I am always in despair of finding anything in a Whitman’s box, even with the handy guide! Really? You couldn’t have just gotten the bag of Kisses? Really? “but it’s in a box, honey!” “oh, shut up and go get the damn Kisses“)
Ditto those cherry cordial thingies. I don’t like cooked cherries. I hate cherries and chocolate together. And I REALLY hate cherries, chocolate and cheap booze together. So if you are fruit – especially cherries – in any form other than in the produce section, minding your own, fresh business, I hate you. And everybody knows this . So if you get me a box of cordials I’m thinking you’ve confused me with your other wife. In which case there is gonna be a fight. Which you will not win. And if you bring me a bag of Hershey’s Cherry Cordial Kisses I will kill you several times over. You have been warned.
Though I don’t care enough to get all sniffly when a Bad V-Day comes along, I think I could have fun with these…. ———————————————————————>
Beauty: I’m a Treatment Gal but Treatment is……weird gifting. When it comes to Valentine’s Day you’d better know what you’re doing. One misstep and you’ll never hear the end of it – never mind that it cost $50 (‘you…bought me…Dandruff Shampoo? what are you trying to say?”) . This is a minefield category. Though I admit to falling hard for a V-Day gift from El O that runs counter to this maxim – but that was more about the effort – I adore Walgreens Alpha-Hydroxy cream – and couldn’t find it anywhere (they were repackaging). Flying in the face of so very many gift disasters for the past 12 years, El O drove the local Walgreens CRAZY until they found him 3 jars of the stuff. Blushing, he presented me with a little gift bag, as if he’d gotten me the Koh-I-Noor Diamond. I was so moved! But…unless there’s some charming backstory like that (or Al Bundy and the bras)….steer clear of treatment.
Perfume: ah. Here we go. Well, this is my post, so it’s going to be my list – ymmv. Walk with me.
Drugstore ANYTHING – unless you both are ironic hipsters. Or you know for a stone fact that she adores Lady Stetson. Or you’re just looking for a fight. Nothing says “oh, whatev” like getting a bottle of Curve Soul. Or that I Am King stuff. You can tell I spend way too much time in Walmart, can’t you?
Slightly-upscale-but-still-scary (and I LOVE Bronner’s): If you are a rose lover you will know your beloved is either a) clueless or b) totally DONE with you if s/he gives you this: ——————————————————————–>
Note: this does not include Coty Muguet des Bois. It does, however, include Every Other Coty you can find at the local CVS. Find the vintage versions on teh eeeB – not that much more $$ and you’ll be getting real perfume.
ELd’O Secretions Magnifique. Again with the hipsterish irony. Or you know s/he loves it. Otherwise you might find yourself the literal recipient of that bloody knife!
Angel (ducks and runs). I know there are so many Angel lovers out there but like I said – It’s My Post, ymmv. I open a box with Angel in it, I’ll know your ardor has cooled. If I get you Angel? You know you are in the Outbox!
Yatagan. I’m in menopause so I have enough ‘pit’ issues already. I don’t need to deliberately spray pit juice on my wrists. And the cats! Spray enough of it and every tom within sniffing distance will be at your door.
Cheap candles. Oh. My. Lord. What do you do with a sinus-searing candle, nestled coyly in its mylar tissue? If the gifter is standing there, all a-beam, it’s DIVERSION! time. Offer them a bowl of popcorn! A cocktail! A cordial from the Whitman’s Sampler box! A puppy! Keep ’em busy until it’s time for them to leave/go to bed/eat a bug….whatever it takes. Then….I dunno. ….break it? Crap…what if it’s in a metal tin.?? Then, baby, you are on your own.
The Dreaded VDay Dinner. I hate going out for VDay, with a perfectly good restaurant gone mad: the prix fixe menu and the lame rose on the table and the whole we’re having SUCH a good time vibe but the only thing worse is: Chain Buffet Restaurants. Yes, my life has changed – no more Everest or Capo – and I am okay with it. Truly. And you know I can hork down a basket of Culver’s fish and chips with the best of them. HORK IT! But…please…if you love me, take me not to the Golden Corral. Not for Valentine’s Day. That just fills me with despair. You’re broke? We live at the back of beyond? Grab a box of fried chicken from the local grocery, some cole slaw and that cute little checked tablecloth I have tucked in the linen closet. Throw it on the sofa. Put in a movie..’Pride and Prejudice’ or ‘The Hunt for Red October’…NOT ‘The Waterboy’, which you have seen 352 times already. Otherwise… If you pull up to the trough what is the Golden Corral I might just end up on the 6pm News.
So. Those are my edicts for VD, the Hater Edition … what would you give/get that would say I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY!!???